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The Forum Jokes Thread


Colin_McLeod
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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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7 hours ago, JZ said:

While this is not a joke to the people that wrote it, to normal thinking people, this is hilarious.

https://theflatearthsociety.org/home/index.php/about-the-society/faq

Ah yes, subscribes a lot to the "moon landings were a hoax" school of conspiracy theory. 🙄

My own 'Evidence Number 1' that the moon landings happened: If they hadn't, the USSR would've gone all-out to prove it, including continuing to try & get there themselves. They didn't; they knew the USA had won the Space Race.

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...don't rise to the bait.

 

It's not just not worth it, it's impossible to reason 'em around!

 

 

Kev.

 

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1 hour ago, SHMD said:

...don't rise to the bait.

 

It's not just not worth it, it's impossible to reason 'em around!

 

 

Kev.

 


One scientific department at university used to have a monthly one-hour guest lecture and following Q and A session. These could be very interesting, and the Q and A could become very detailed and occasionally rather heated.

 

In one month each year, the lecture would be on a subject not in any way related to the  research interests of the department. One year, the lecturer invited was from the local branch of the Flat Earth Society. The Q and A  consisted of two or three softball questions, asked by members of the committee organizing the lecture, and that was it. Nobody was interested in ‘learning’ any more.

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10 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

Sorry, should have posted this yesterday, got distracted by the medicinal wee drams.

 

image.png.b0fc2a85a42ce1838103a26c79aa8563.png

 

Brings to mind an event that took place at the Dick Institute Kilmarnock.  The yellow AA signs on the A77 directed motorists to "Serious  Burns at the Dick"

 

Jim

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The University of Glasgow has a Centre for Robert Burns Studies, something I became aware of through my aunt having dealings with them - she had bought at auction an estate map in which someone there was interested. So of course it was referred to withing the family as the Burns Unit.

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56 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

The University of Glasgow has a Centre for Robert Burns Studies

 

Ah yes, that again 😉

 

Quote

As a global network, the Centre for Robert Burns Studies is connected with an active body of international scholars and has welcomed visiting scholars from across the world, including the USA, Slovenia and Czechia, amongst other places. Closer to home, the Centre supports a number of postgraduate students with their work on Robert Burns, providing financial assistance for Masters-level research through the Shaw Scholarship as well as the direct supervision of postgraduate research projects and support in early career research.

 

The expensive part is re-enacting the life of wee Robbie. The price of whisky and prostitutes servant girls and wenches has gone up a lot, as has the cost of child maintenance for the various illegitimate offspring.

 

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6 hours ago, luckymucklebackit said:

 

Brings to mind an event that took place at the Dick Institute Kilmarnock.  The yellow AA signs on the A77 directed motorists to "Serious  Burns at the Dick"

 

Jim

The Armed Forces assess the extent of a burns victim's injuries according to the "Rule of Ninths". Each area of the body is alloted a percentage that's a multiple of nine. So, each leg is 18%, the torso is 36%, each arm and the head is 9%. The remaining 1% is allocated to a chap's manhood, irrespective of its actual proportions.

 

This brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "1% rise".

 

Edited by CameronL
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17 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

image.png.df0cd1223251b345307f7214d527fccf.png

There is...

 

My Smart Car Upped and Left Me For Another

 

Chorus

 

My smart car upped and left me for another.

But now she's gone I just have to agree

Though I really did my best 

I just couldn't pass the test 

My car was more intelligent than me. 

 

When I saw her in the showroom I was smitten

A real case of car love at first sight

Seeing all her gleaming chrome

Made me want to take her home

And give her a good buffing every night

 

And the salesman asked “Y’all ever owned a smart car?”

I said “No, I’ve had a Jeep or two.”

He just smiled and shook his head

Looked me up and down and said

“I think we’d best deliver her to you.”

 

Chorus

 

So they brought her round and left her on my driveway

With a manual, and before they drove away

I asked  “How d’you turn  her on?”

They said  “That’s page 1-4-1.

Start reading now. You might get there today.”

 

So I tried my best to understand that manual

But reading it just made me feel a jerk

'Cos the language was absurd.

Seemed like each and every word

Was translated from Korean – by a Turk

 

Chorus

 

And I couldn’t use the vocal recognition

She didn’t seem to like my Southern drawl

And that really was no good

She’d say “Not understood.”

If I started any sentence with “Y’all.”

 

So I plugged her in when I should have unplugged her

Switched her off when I should have left her on

Yes, I treated her so bad

That it made my smart car sad

‘Til she couldn’t take no more, and now she’s gone.

 

Chorus

 

Well, I woke up one morning same as always.

I found her gone, and I just wondered why

She’d left me all alone

And I found there on my ‘phone

A text that said “Can’t take no more. Goodbye.”

 

So now I’m all alone without my smart car

But now I think mebbes our love was cursed

Though she'd sensors all around

Seems they didn't pick up "Hound"

'Cos she ran over my dog when she reversed.

 

Chorus

 

Last Chorus

 

Well, my smart car upped and left me for another

And when she left she drove away my heart.

Mebbes I'll have more luck

With an old Ford pickup truck.

‘Cos just like me that - car - ain’t - ve - ry - smart.

Edited by CameronL
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1 hour ago, J. S. Bach said:

Hmmm, I bought my current vehicle from Burns Ford! 😉


From the Wikipedia entry for Burns:

 

Through his five surviving children (of 12 born), Burns has over 900 living descendants as of 2019.

 

Quite possibly the owner is related! 

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14 minutes ago, pH said:

Through his five surviving children (of 12 born), Burns has over 900 living descendants as of 2019.

 

There's nothing remarkable in that. Say 8 generations at 30 year intervals, each descendant in turn having two children going on to have children in their turn, would give about 250 in the current generation, if three children, over 6,000. So 900 (across several generations alive simultaneously) seems reasonably likely - perhaps even on the low side - for someone living in the second half of the 18th century.

 

Burns is in any case a pretty common surname in Scotland so the probability of any random Burns being a descendant of the poet is quite low.

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