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The Forum Jokes Thread

Colin_McLeod

By Colin_McLeod,
in Wheeltappers

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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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CameronL

CameronL

Posted
Posted
22 hours ago, Coombe Vale said:

Strange?! Newbryford posted the joke 28 minutes before CameronL quoted it, but I can't see the original anywhere.

This is due to an eddy in the space-time continuum. Newbryford's post will appear sometime tomorrow. 

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peanuts

peanuts

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THE PERFECT HUSBAND

 Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
 bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
 talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 MAN: “Hello”

 WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

 MAN: “Yes.”

 WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s
 only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

 MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

 WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
 I saw one I really liked.”

 MAN: “How much?”

 WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;

 MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

 WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and
 found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re
 asking $980,000 for it.”

 MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably
 take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you
 really want.”

 WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

 MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

 The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
 astonishment, mouths wide open.

 He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is.....

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Hroth

Hroth

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1 hour ago, Steamport Southport said:

No rivet counter of any standing is going to join a "society".

 

Guild maybe....

 

It'd have to be Guild, you couldn't get away with Fellowship, Fraternity or Brotherhood nowadays.

 

I thought of other words but they seemed to be too near to Society for comfort...

 

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2750Papyrus

2750Papyrus

Posted
Posted

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

 

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used.

 

The first day was fine but on the second day a guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350 please".

.

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

 

" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes "!!!! she said " He's got one hanging there"....!

 

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50....he's the Window cleaner"!!!!!!!

 

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CameronL

CameronL

Posted
Posted (edited)

Sam Plank was driving down the road with his good friend, Tony Wood, when his car was hit by a tipper truck full of gravel. The result? Tipper truck 1, Sam's car 0.

Tony found himself in the queue for the Pearly Gates, but Sam wasn't there. So, when his turn came he asked St Peter if Sam Plank was in The Book to go to Heaven. St Peter checked. "Sorry," he replied. "Sam Plank has gone to Hell."

 

So, Tony entered Heaven feeling rather sad that he would never see his good friend Sam again. However, after several days a message came over the DPA (that's Divine Public Address) system, saying that there was a telephone call for him. He put down his harp (playing it all the time in Heaven isn't required, but you are expected to do daily practice) and headed for the phones. 

 

Funnily enough, it was Sam on the line. "Hi Buddy, how's things?" he asked.

 

"Fine up here," Tony replied, "but how about you down ..... there?"

 

"Not as bad as you might think," Sam replied. "We got a load of Social Workers down here and the Devil has really got into the whole 'Rehabilitation of Offenders' thing. You get put into situations that would have sent you to Hell to see how you cope."

 

"So what do you do?" 

 

"Well, you probably remember that I was a bit of a one for the ladies, so I have to keep my hands off them. They've given me a disco to manage, so there's plenty of chances to meet women, but I mustn't do anything after. You should come for a visit. It's great."

 

Tony went to see St Michael (who was in charge of leave in Heaven), and asked if he could visit Hell to see his friend. 

 

"You are allowed," replied St Michael, "but you've got to take your harp with you so everyone knows you're from Heaven and not a sinner. Report back to me when you get back and let me know how it went."

 

So Tony visited Sam in Hell and really enjoyed himself. When he returned he reported back to St Michael.

 

"I had a great time," he said. "It was really good to see Sam again."

 

"Good for you," replied St Michael. "Where's your harp?"

 

"What?"

 

"Where's your harp? The one you had to take with you to show that you were from Heaven?"

 

Tony thought about this, then sang "I left my harp ... in Sam Plank's disco!"

Edited by CameronL
Changed a bit
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The Johnster

The Johnster

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2 hours ago, CameronL said:

Sam Plank was driving down the road with his good friend, Tony Wood, when his car was hit by a tipper truck full of gravel. The result? Tipper truck 1, Sam's car 0.

Tony found himself in the queue for the Pearly Gates, but Sam wasn't there. So, when his turn came he asked St Peter if Sam Plank was in The Book to go to Heaven. St Peter checked. "Sorry," he replied. "Sam Plank has gone to Hell."

 

So, Tony entered Heaven feeling rather sad that he would never see his good friend Sam again. However, after several days a message came over the DPA (that's Divine Public Address) system, saying that there was a telephone call for him. He put down his harp (playing it all the time in Heaven isn't required, but you are expected to do daily practice) and headed for the phones. 

 

Funnily enough, it was Sam on the line. "Hi Buddy, how's things?" he asked.

 

"Fine up here," Tony replied, "but how about you down ..... there?"

 

"Not as bad as you might think," Sam replied. "We got a load of Social Workers down here and the Devil has really got into the whole 'Rehabilitation of Offenders' thing. You get put into situations that would have sent you to Hell to see how you cope."

 

"So what do you do?" 

 

"Well, you probably remember that I was a bit of a one for the ladies, so I have to keep my hands off them. They've given me a disco to manage, so there's plenty of chances to meet women, but I mustn't do anything after. You should come for a visit. It's great."

 

Tony went to see St Michael (who was in charge of leave in Heaven), and asked if he could visit Hell to see his friend. 

 

"You are allowed," replied St Michael, "but you've got to take your harp with you so everyone knows you're from Heaven and not a sinner. Report back to me when you get back and let me know how it went."

 

So Tony visited Sam in Hell and really enjoyed himself. When he returned he reported back to St Michael.

 

"I had a great time," he said. "It was really good to see Sam again."

 

"Good for you," replied St Michael. "Where's your harp?"

 

"What?"

 

"Where's your harp? The one you had to take with you to show that you were from Heaven?"

 

Tony thought about this, then sang "I left my harp ... in Sam Plank's disco!"

 

Go to your room, young man, and don't come out until you've had a good hard think about what you've just done...

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Hroth

Hroth

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43 minutes ago, Steamport Southport said:

All these new emojis and not one "groan" one.

 

Have a grimace instead....

 

😬

 

Thanks!

I can think of many uses for it!!!

 

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