The Forum Jokes Thread

[Ramblin Rich]

9 hours ago, newbryford said:

Too true.

Forgot the "coughing up furball" step

[Hroth]

11 hours ago, newbryford said:

Too true.

 

And the ever-favourite "Cat being sick in a shoe"... 

 

[CameronL]

Here's another joke with a religious dimension, but again I don't think it's offensive...

 

Early one Saturday morning St Peter was looking down from Heaven. He's a big fan of golf (Heaven's golf courses are something really special) and was keeping an eye on his favourites on Earth. As it was early they were mostly deserted, but he could see one solitary player slowly working his way round the holes.

 

Looking closer, St Peter realised that the lone player was a rabbi (that's "rabbi", not "rabbit". Rabbits on golf courses are classed as natural hazards, not players). A rabbi playing golf on the Sabbath! Unheard of!

 

He got out his mobile (a Samsung AlphaOmega 12) and called God. 

 

"You won't believe this," he said. "I've just spotted a rabbi playing golf on the Sabbath."

 

"I'll be right over," God replied.

 

When God saw the rabbi, he was outraged too. "Watch this, I'll fix him," he said to a worried St Peter, who already had visions of the rabbi being reduced to a pair of shoes with smoke coming out of them. 

 

But there was no sudden flash of light, and the rabbi continued playing. He holed in par, then teed up for the next hole - a 440-yard par 5 with a narrow, bunker-filled fairway and an approach shot to the hole over a lake. He hit the ball, which soared down the length of the fairway, bounced off a stone which had miraculously appeared in the grass at the lake's edge, flew over the water, landed on the green and rolled into the hole. 

 

"I don't understand," said St Peter, rather puzzled. "I was expecting some wrathful smiting, but you've just helped him score an impossible hole in one. How is that a punishment?"

 

"it was a great shot," replied God. "But who can he tell?"

[jcredfer]

St Peter was at his usual post at the Pearlies, quill pen and "List of Recents" to hand, when the Bishop of ******* hove into view.  Peter glanced at his list, for confirmation of his initial impression, as the Bishop approached in full Ascension regalia and a satisfied smile.

 

"Hi Pete, great to meet you at last." was greeted with a formal correction...  "Saint Peter...   would be the correct form of address up here, should you wish to remain."

 

"Ahh, well yes...   sorry about that, glad to be here, thanks for the tip."

 

"Right, well let's get down to the Admission procedure.  So, firstly there's the small matter of the slight discrepancies between the money placed in the collection bags and that which was recorded in the Church records, back in the 1988.  Then, we did note the strange favouritism granted to that young choirboy, in the early 1990s, then, later that year, the rather familiar way you developed the relationship with his young girl companion.  Nothing further with either of these cases was observed, perhaps due to your promotion and associated transfer to the other side of the country.  Then there was the incident of the Care Home owner and your new car, when he was being investigated for excessive use of Beta Blockers and your authorisation.....

 

The conversation was interrupted at this juncture, when a young blond, somewhat leggy lady, wearing, an even shorter than most, Pelmet, walked past.  As she walked through the Pearlies, she tossed her head towards St Peter and called out, "Thanks Pete..." with heart warming smile.

 

Saint Peter waved and smiled as she slinked her way through the gates, while the Bishop's jaw clunked onto the path, by his feet.....    "What the f...."  Then remembered just where he stood.....  

 

"Excuse me for asking, but how does SHE just walk in, when I, having spent a lifetime devoted to Our Lord, am stood facing an examination of every minute of my life!  I know that woman, she was one of the Parishioners, when I was at *******.  If I may be excused for saying, she did engage with a number of men in circumstances, rather less than honourable."

 

"Umm, yes, perhaps I could mention our points system for access.  You have earned a good living and supported the faithful, with a few minor indiscretions.  We will progress these minor matters and let you know, in the fullness

 of time.  As for the young lady, whose carnal sins you sought to bring to attention, she is well known to our system. Negative points have been fully accounted for...   as was the fact that she passed her driving test six months ago.  Since when - and her reason for arrival here, - she has put the fear of God up more people than you and a dozen other Bishops have managed in your entire combined lifetimes!"

 

 

[newbryford]

Roll on 2022.

[Welchester]

10 hours ago, jcredfer said:

"Right, well let's get down to the Admission procedure.  So, firstly there's the small matter of the slight discrepancies between the money placed in the collection bags and that which was recorded in the Church records, back in the 1988.  Then, we did note the strange favouritism granted to that young choirboy, in the early 1990s, then, later that year, the rather familiar way you developed the relationship with his young girl companion.  Nothing further with either of these cases was observed, perhaps due to your promotion and associated transfer to the other side of the country.  Then there was the incident of the Care Home owner and your new car, when he was being investigated for excessive use of Beta Blockers and your authorisation.....

 

That money was just resting in my account.

[iands]

For those that have left their Christmas shopping to the last minute, and find the shelves in the shops are empty and the on-line shopping sites can't deliver until after Christmas Day. Not to worry, here is the perfect excuse.

 

Santa's senior helper didn't get the memo........

 

 

 

 

 

If that one doesn't work, try this one.

 

Rudolph suddenly had a case of "Level Crossing Stupidity"......

 

[Obi-Jiff Kenobi]

Drink!

[J. S. Bach]

Down the hatch!

[ikks]

7 hours ago, newbryford said:

Roll on 2022.

Brilliant!!

[2750Papyrus]

[BoD]

[exmoordave]

So this bloke goes to the doctors and says "I've got diarrhea, I think it's hereditary".   The Doc says "No, diarrhea is not hereditary". The bloke says, "Well I've got it in my jeans".......

[Titan]

1 hour ago, BoD said:

 

Did hear a story about a young boy who got passed over for the role of Joseph in the school nativity, and was cast as an innkeeper instead.  When the time came he got his revenge by assuring Joseph that he had several rooms available, and invited him in!

[F-UnitMad]

7 hours ago, iands said:

 

There's a TV Advert on at the moment with a clip of Santa's reindeer galloping across the sky, as his sleigh breaks free and plummets earthwards, with accompanying "aaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!" sound effect.

It's probably on screen for a second or less, but cracks me up every time. 

 

I've no idea what the rest of the advert shows, or what's actually being advertised!!!   

[Ramblin Rich]

Oh dear, we opened some leftover Christmas crackers this evening:

 

Who is Santa's favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh

 

Where can you buy second hand cheese?

Brie-bay!

 

I've been dreaming about being chased by cheese. I think they're Halloumi-nations

[RJS1977]

5 hours ago, Titan said:

 

Did hear a story about a young boy who got passed over for the role of Joseph in the school nativity, and was cast as an innkeeper instead.  When the time came he got his revenge by assuring Joseph that he had several rooms available, and invited him in!

 

As I heard it, the story ended with Joseph saying "These rooms are disgusting! We'd rather sleep in the stable!"

[peanuts]

... I received a call from a bloke today who said "I'm the dandy highwayman who you're too scared to mention, I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention"
I tried to tell him that he had the wrong number but he was adamant

[Titan]

Did he not introduce you to his friends Stanley and Derick Liver?

[CameronL]

12 hours ago, RJS1977 said:

 

As I heard it, the story ended with Joseph saying "These rooms are disgusting! We'd rather sleep in the stable!"

The version I heard had the innkeeper saying "She can come in. You can b*gger off."

[Chris116]

4 hours ago, peanuts said:

I tried to tell him that he had the wrong number but he was adamant

Was that Adam?

[MrTea]

I bought my son a refrigerator for Christmas. 
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!

[The Johnster]

 

On 22/12/2021 at 10:56, Compound2632 said:

Brings a new meaning to in partibus infidelium.

In partibus infidelium, but in terra pax hominbus.

 

2 hours ago, Coombe Vale said:

 

 

Chum up the pub used to work for Pullman's at Cathays as a fitter.  He tells a story that, if it isn't true, should be or the world would be a slightly poorer place.  He was knocking a cotter pin into place with a new, nylon headed, hammer with exchangeable heads, and became aware of a new junior manager watching him, so he stopped knocking, unscrewed  the head a little bit, and continued but more gently.  He then screwed it back up, and gave the pin a few final proper whacks into place.

 

The young manager came over to ask what he was doing, so Tony explained that this was an adjustable hammer, that could be used to deliver different weighted blows,  The guy took in all in with total belief, and asked where it had come from.  Tony now reverted to the last resort of the scoundrel and started telling the truth, that he had picked it up on the weekend at Jewson's and was trying it out.  'Does it work' asks the kid, and Tony affiirmed that it did, very well. 

 

Poor kid seriously suggested it at a meeting as standard equipment for Pullmans' fitters.

[Compound2632]

33 minutes ago, The Johnster said:

 In partibus infidelium, but in terra pax hominbus.

 

Very good, very good indeed!

[kevinlms]

How do Elf's get around at Christmas?

 

 

 

 

 

 

By icicle!