The Forum Jokes Thread

[jcredfer]

11 minutes ago, peanuts said:

Advice needed!

My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I’ve hidden around the house. Someone suggested that I should just keep them in the attic.

So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the “I’m afraid of the dark” or “I don't like it up here - there are spiders” really got on my nerves.

Any other suggestions?????…

 

 

You could do what my parents did, when I discovered "the" Christmas present [well it was only 4 years after WWII].  Father simply removed the Dinky Toy from the box, replaced it with a suitable length of 1 x 1.5 wood.....   and replaced it in the hiding place.  I couldn't complain, as that would reveal my underhand searching and I had to wait many long days to see if the Dinky might appear when the presents came out on Christmas Day.....   torture for a 4 year old!    

 

Julian

 

[PhilJ W]

When I was small the presents were not hidden but placed beneath the Christmas tree (but not all of them, some were kept back until the day.) One Christmas my two siblings and myself were naturally very excited and couldn't go to sleep until very late. When we did so our (exhausted) parents placed the remaining pressies out and fell into bed. No sooner had they done so than the three of us woke up and stated unwrapping the prezzies with all the noise that three excited young children could muster.

[Stanley Melrose]

I still remember the Christmas over 70 years ago when my main present was a Lacey football (i.e a proper leather one with an inner rubber balloon that had to be inflated through a tube that was then tucked inside the leather and the gap sealed with a lace (hence "Lacey".  This was placed at the foot of my bed shortly before midnight and my parents went off to sleep.  I woke up soon after they left my bedroom, found the football and started to practise my skills by kicking the ball against the bedroom wall.  Of course, my bedroom was next door to my parents' and against the wall on their side was the head of their bed so only a few minutes later an irate father confiscated my football and "encouraged" me to return to bed.  I think I got the ball back some days later . . .

[Dickon]

"What will you have for breakfast, sir?" said the waiter daintily picking his nose.

 

"I'll have two hard boiled eggs, you b*****d.  You can't get your fingers in those!"

[The Johnster]

An acquaintance, I won't call him a friend, was asked by his 8 year old daughter if she could have a pony for xmas; she really wanted one.  'Of coursee you can' he said, but there was no pony on xmas morning.  As he explained to the tearful child, 'I only said you could have a pony, not that I'd be buying one for you.  If you want a pony, get a job and save your money and I'll let you have one...'.  The Apple computer. iPad, and iPhone he'd actually bought her and hidden dried the tears effectively enough, but I  don't think she'll ever really forgive him, or that he deserves it...

[Jonboy]

My family used to go to our grandparents on Xmas eve (German heritage) for a family gathering. When we got back at around 4 years old my parents had bought me a Thomas and Bertie race set ( https://www.worthpoint.com/worthopedia/thomas-bertie-great-race-battery-1806552553 ). The box was around 2’ x 3’ and they had wrapped it and laid it flat on the floor for when we got home....I promptly sat on top of it to play with the presents from the grandparents and aunts....

[PhilJ W]

[Gopher]

17 hours ago, peanuts said:

Advice needed!

My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I’ve hidden around the house. Someone suggested that I should just keep them in the attic.

So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the “I’m afraid of the dark” or “I don't like it up here - there are spiders” really got on my nerves.

Any other suggestions?????…

 

One year my mother hid my presents under my bed - last place I'd have looked

[5944]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[APOLLO]

 

Brit15

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES

The missus bought a Paperback,

down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;...

T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My God what had I done!

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;

Of what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey!!

 

[luckymucklebackit]

A man goes into a baker's Shop and asks for two bread rolls. The shopkeeper picks up two rolls with a pair of tongs and puts them in a paper bag.

 

The man then asks for two cakes. Again, the shopkeeper picks them up with the tongs and puts them in the bag.

The man says, "It’s nice to see, that you don’t manhandle the food".

 

The shopkeeper says, "Sir, nothing in my shop is handled by human hands.”

 

The man then noticed a piece of string, hanging from the shopkeeper's trousers and asks:

"What’s that piece of string for?”

 

The shopkeeper says, "Well, that's for when I need a pee. I pull on the string and my old boy just pops out.”

 

"Great idea," says the man, “but, pray, tell me how you put it back in?”

 

 

 

 

“Not a problem”, says the shopkeeper… "I just use the tongs"

 

Jim

[RFS]

[luckymucklebackit]

57 minutes ago, RFS said:

 

Isn't there a Freezer Law that a model railway layout can be completed but never finished?

 

Jim

[Obi-Jiff Kenobi]

1 hour ago, luckymucklebackit said:

 

Isn't there a Freezer Law that a model railway layout can be completed but never finished?

 

Jim

That comment surely deserves a chilly reception...

[peanuts]

Today i drilled a hole in the bottom of a metal dish 

 

made a start on my Advent collander 

[Ramblin Rich]

Pop music star Olly Murs has a pet parrot.

It's called Polly Murs.

 

 

I'm here all week.

More a threat than a promise.....