The Forum Jokes Thread

[Bernard Lamb]

An old one, but it cropped up in a television series that I am currently watching. The same sky, about east and west Berlin in 1974.

Why is the toilet paper so rough in the GDR?

So that every comrade has a red arse hole.

Bernard

[Colin_McLeod]

Last week I came home from a hard day at work, only to be awaited by my wife who was ready to spit some complaints at me.
The stairs are almost falling apart, go fix it!” she says.
Do I look like a handyman” I say.
She storms angry out of the room.
The next day I get home from work again to be awaited by my wife, she says: “The walls upstairs are getting yellow because of all the cigars you smoke, go paint the wall!”
Do I look like a painter?, I say.
Furiously she walks away.
The day after that I come home again from an exhausting day at work.
My wife says: “The shower is leaking and the toilet doesn’t flush anymore.”
I look her in the eyes and say: “Do I look like a plumber?”
This time she remains calm and leaves the room quiet.
The following day I come home from work, only to see the stairs fixed, the toilet working and the walls painted white.
I say to my wife: “Wow, you have been pretty busy I suppose” No”. she replied, “the neighbour next door helped me do all this.” I ask her: “How nice of him, what did you have to do in order to get him so far?”
Well”, she says, “I could either bake him a cake, or give him the time of his life.”
I ask her: “Well what kind of cake did you bake?”
She replies by saying: “Do I look like a baker?”

[peanuts]

I was asked the other day if I could make a vegan chilli.

I just stole his cardigan.

[PhilJ W]

3 minutes ago, peanuts said:

I was asked the other day if I could make a vegan chilli.

I just stole his cardigan.

[peanuts]

How do I prepare my turkey for Christmas?

 

 

 

I just sit it down and tell it straight.... “You’re gonna die”

[CameronL]

48 minutes ago, peanuts said:

How do I prepare my turkey for Christmas?

 

 

 

I just sit it down and tell it straight.... “You’re gonna die”

We have an old Aga but we always manage to cook our turkey fan-assisted. We stand around the oven chanting "Turkey!"(Clap clap clap) , "Turkey!"(Clap clap clap), then give it a chorus of "You'll never cook alone".

[MartynJPearson]

Some horses went past the house earlier while we were on the weekly zoom call with the parents.

 

"If there's any horse muck in the road, you should get it and put it on your rhubarb", advised my Dad.

 

I tried it, but still prefer custard.

[peanuts]

Possibly  one of the most unfortunate headlines 

 

 

[jcredfer]

4 minutes ago, peanuts said:

Possibly  one of the most unfortunate headlines 

 

 

Yet another attempt for the return of the groan button..........      

 

Julian

 

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

Yes, lets get the groan button back.

[PhilJ W]

[Colin_McLeod]

Shall we start a petition to get the Groan button back ?

[kevinlms]

6 hours ago, PhilJ W said:

Cue for Monty Python explosion!

[kevinlms]

7 hours ago, peanuts said:

Possibly  one of the most unfortunate headlines 

 

 

It's the Daily Mail,  so quite deliberate.

[Hroth]

18 hours ago, rocor said:

But that was before the age of mass marketing, after which Santa had to consider gaining extra revenue through advertising.

 

A Christmas Carol was the book that introduces most of the Christmas memes to a mass population.  Christmas cards were in circulation at about the same time, as was Prince Alberts popularisation of the Christmas Tree, so the gross commercialisation of the season all kicked in in the 1840s...

 

Ho Ho Ho

 

[F-UnitMad]

9 hours ago, Colin_McLeod said:

Shall we start a petition to get the Groan button back ?

If the standard of jokes posted remains as it is, it'll come back anyway. 

[kevinlms]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

 

A customer strolled in and asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness?”

The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?”

 

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

 

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?”

Or if I asked for a kiwifruit would you ask if I was from New Zealand?

 

The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't.”

 

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?”

 

 

 

 

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings'."

[Colin_McLeod]

Dave was a very happy man. He had been dating for over a year, and so they decided to get married. There was only only little thing bothering him — it was his girlfriends beautiful younger sister. His prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near him, and he always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her “little” sister called and asked him to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when he arrived, and she whispered to him that she had feelings and desires for him that she couldn’t overcome. She told him that she wanted Dave just once before  he got married and committed his life to her sister. Well, he was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
Dave was stunned and frozen in shock as he watched her go up the stairs. He stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
He opened the door, and headed straight towards his car. Lo and behold, his entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, the future father-in-law hugged him and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
————————————————————————————————————
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[peanuts]

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

[J. S. Bach]

8 hours ago, kevinlms said:

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

 

A customer strolled in and asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness?”

The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?”

 

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

 

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?”

Or if I asked for a kiwifruit would you ask if I was from New Zealand?

 

The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't.”

 

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?”

 

 

 

 

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings'."

????

[J. S. Bach]

40 minutes ago, peanuts said:

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

Substitute "Europe", "Lifeboat (for compartment in the hold)", and "Staten Island Ferry"; I have heard it before. In fact i only got as far as: "I am a sailor ....." and knew the punch line. But it is still funny.

Edited November 23, 2020 by J. S. Bach

[Colin_McLeod]

9 minutes ago, J. S. Bach said:

????

 

For UK change "Bunnings" to " B&Q"

[chris p bacon]

6 minutes ago, Colin_McLeod said:

 

For UK change "Bunnings" to " B&Q"

He's in the USA, Try 'Home Depot'