The Forum Jokes Thread

[Steamport Southport]

Psst. You've just repeated it. Is it on Dave?

 

 

 

Still funny though and you don't have to watch it....

 

 

I didn't want to upset any cat owners by posting it in that thread seeing as they were talking about rescue cats.

 

 

[KeithMacdonald]

10 minutes ago, Steamport Southport said:

I didn't want to upset any cat owners by posting it in that thread seeing as they were talking about rescue cats.

 

is that the highly trained rescue cats that have a barrel of brandy round their necks?

[Steamport Southport]

3 minutes ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 

is that the highly trained rescue cats that have a barrel of brandy round their necks?

 

They bring you presents. Birds, mice, spiders, etc.

 

But don't eat the chocolate eggs. It doesn't taste as nice as Easter Bunny chocolate...

[Dagworth]

6 hours ago, Steamport Southport said:

Always be careful.....

 

I wish I'd listened to what my Mother told me.

 

Andi

[The Johnster]

8 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 

Many a true word has been spoken in jest.

 

Why no-one can ever recover from COVID-19 in England – a statistical anomaly
 

 

https://www.cebm.net/covid-19/why-no-one-can-ever-recover-from-covid-19-in-england-a-statistical-anomaly/

Statistical anomaly?  There is an algorithm apparently used in civil aviation risk assessment which quantifies your chances, when sitting in any seat on an a/c, of having already been killed in a plane crash... Or so I was told up the pub.  I hope it's true, it's one of those things that is so mad I want it to be true.  The world will be a gloomier and more pointless place if it isn't true...

 

 

[DavidB-AU]

On 10/08/2020 at 23:57, kevinlms said:

WW1 caused major problems, as up to that time regiments etc were made up from localities.

 

In Australia, large numbers of soldiers were decimated leaving whole districts with a shortage of men. So much so, that Australian military started assigning men to regiments randomly.

 

Australia had no standing army in 1914 and the AIF was made up entirely of militia (reserve) units. A town would have its own platoon or company and a district/shire would form these into a company. A regional city might be able to muster a battalion. They were all locals to that area.

 

Cheers

David

[Ruffnut Thorston]

6 hours ago, Dagworth said:

I wish I'd listened to what my Mother told me.

 

Andi

Why, what did she tell you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[CameronL]

14 hours ago, Alex TM said:

Hi folks,

 

Love the story.  Two questions:

 

1.  have you been reading Pratchett? and

2.  shouldn't the words of death be in SMALL BLOCK CAPITALS?

 

Regards,

 

Alex.

Hi All, 

 

By popular demand (8 "Agrees" I have Pratchettised the way Death speaks. I have also made another change which was one of those "I wish I'd said it that way instead" moments you get after you see your post in print. I think it works better.

 

Cam

[PhilJ W]

14 hours ago, Steamport Southport said:

Always be careful.....

 

 

8 hours ago, Dagworth said:

I wish I'd listened to what my Mother told me.

 

Andi

You haven't changed your underwear since when!

[Jamiel]

 

 

 

Edited August 12, 2020 by Jamiel

[ian]

3 hours ago, Sarahagain said:

10 hours ago, Dagworth said:

I wish I'd listened to what my Mother told me.

 

Andi

Why, what did she tell you?

 

I don't know, I didn't listen!

 

(Thank you Douglas Adams.)

[PhilJ W]

1 hour ago, Jamiel said:

 

 

 

[Jamiel]

Sorry if I have shared this before. It came up in my Facebook memories.

 

Edited August 12, 2020 by Jamiel

[luckymucklebackit]

13 hours ago, Jamiel said:

Sorry if I have shared this before. It came up in my Facebook memories.

 

 

You might be quick Mr Fox but that's not a lazy dog!

[newbryford]

[The Johnster]

Doesn't work, but once you've finished the bottle who gives a ****!

[PhilJ W]

Wonder what lab they stole it from.

[Steamport Southport]

Threshers?

[newbryford]

Edited August 13, 2020 by newbryford

[Enterprisingwestern]

8 hours ago, newbryford said:

 

The Lone Ranger?

 

Mike.

[PhilJ W]

[Stanley Melrose]

Ken Dodd often amused his audience with the comment, "My mum would go mad if she knew I was here telling jokes . . .   She thinks I'm still in prison . . ."

 

So nearly true!

[CameronL]

1 hour ago, Stanley Melrose said:

Ken Dodd often amused his audience with the comment, "My mum would go mad if she knew I was here telling jokes . . .   She thinks I'm still in prison . . ."

 

So nearly true!

There's a folk song called Durham Gaol by Jez Lowe and the Bad Pennies which includes the lyric -

 

"And I’m sure that me mother’s heart would break,
To see me in a state of such repentance,
I’m glad she’s not around to see,
And I’ll be out before she finishes her sentence,"

 

It's a brilliant song if folk's your thing.

[Gopher]

[simontaylor484]

9 hours ago, Enterprisingwestern said:

 

The Lone Ranger?

 

Mike.

Dick Turpin