The Forum Jokes Thread

[Dickon]

It’s a lovely spring Sunday morning and the local Fire Brigade are polishing the fire engines in front of the Station.  The fire chief is looking on with admiration when he notices a little girl coming by with a little red wagon pulled by a bored Labrador dog and a very unhappy Siamese pussy cat. In the wagon is a tightly coiled garden hose and a small folding step ladder and the girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet.

 

The fire chief strolls across and says  "That's a jolly nice little set up you have there but don’t you think you could go faster if you tied the string to the cat’s collar instead of his testicles?"

 

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then what would I do for a siren?"

Edited April 14, 2020 by Dickon

[luckymucklebackit]

I here that the first ventilator built by Dyson's has worked.  The patient is picking up nicely.

 

 

Sorry if that joke sucks.....

 

 

[Baby Deltic]

[PhilJ W]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[PhilJ W]

Some people are finding self isolation really boring.....

(But they found a use for all those toilet rolls!)

[newbryford]

Have we got to day 23 yet? It was day 16 last time I looked -  but re-counting those holes took some time......

 

 

 

[Steamport Southport]

[Jinty3f]

I was horrified when my wife told the first doctor I was impotent. I was so humiliated when she told the second doctor  that I had a small todger that I left the convention before she got to Jon Pertwee.

[F-UnitMad]

Day *whatever* in lock down. 

I am learning to write in Mandarin....

[raymw]

My good friend recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. He put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

He was beginning to think he had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, he had the Vet come and have a look at him. The Vet said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave him some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all of his cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of his neighbor's cows!

He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............ But they kind of taste like peppermint.

 

[Dickon]

Two bulls are in a pen at the top of a hill.  The young bull notices that the farmer has left the gate open and says to the older bull 'lets rush down and have ourselves a cow.'

 

The old bull replies 'No lad, lets stroll down and have the lot.'

[The Johnster]

On 14/04/2020 at 21:48, PhilJ W said:

Some people are finding self isolation really boring.....

(But they found a use for all those toilet rolls!)

Magnificent!!!!

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[davefromacrossthepond]

Is it me or this COVID thing lowering the bar for what makes us laugh?  Whatever, I do come to this thread seemingly more often these past weeks.  Nice to see a bunch of folks that can smile and laugh and look at the brighter side of things.  I refuse to become an old codger - despite what my wife says!  As an aside, I do understand what was meant during WWII about "British pluck."  You guys rock. 

Dave

[peanuts]

To make it stand, you wet it.
To make it wet, you suck it.
To make it stiff, you lick it.
To get it in, you push it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Does anyone else have this trouble, when you're trying to thread a needle

[Kylestrome]

3 minutes ago, peanuts said:

Does anyone else have this trouble ................

 

Only if it's in a haystack ...

Edited April 16, 2020 by Kylestrome

[jcredfer]

I prefer thin CA glue to make it stiff - much longer lasting.   

 

Julian

 

[Baby Deltic]

[Compound2632]

2 hours ago, jcredfer said:

I prefer thin CA glue to make it stiff - much longer lasting.   

 

Julian

 

 

Where's the "I do wish you hadn't said that" button when you want it?

[jcredfer]

1 hour ago, Compound2632 said:

 

Where's the "I do wish you hadn't said that" button when you want it?

 

You shouldn't complain until you've tried it.....       Satisfaction every time.    

 

{Yes, I am still talking threading cotton and not attempts to stuff a marshmallow into a money box.}

 

julian

[PhilJ W]

[Baby Deltic]