The Forum Jokes Thread

[Hroth]

2 hours ago, Compound2632 said:

Insert politician of choice, according to one's prejudices, I suppose. But I dread to think what they're using Trump's clock for.

 

High speed dental drills?

 

[westernfan]

A proper English gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

 

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.

So he had his secretary send a cheque for £250 and enclosed the following note:

 

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find cheque in the amount of £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied;

2) that there was plenty of heat;

3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

 

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for £250.00 with the following note:

 

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
 

[J. S. Bach]

So he got the apartment for free!! Great move, Gilligan!

 

Edited September 10 by J. S. Bach
To edit the post

[NIK]

'Don't mind me, I'm just a sculpture of an amoeba but who is she?'

[steve1]

steve 

 

 

[franciswilliamwebb]

1 hour ago, NIK said:

 

She's saying "Local shop, for local people"😇

[Hroth]

2 hours ago, NIK said:

'Don't mind me, I'm just a sculpture of an amoeba but who is she?'

 

Reminds me of when a local woman "restored" a painting of Christ in a Spanish church...

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ecce_Homo_(García_Martínez_and_Giménez)

 

 

Edited September 11 by Hroth
link

[33C]

42 minutes ago, franciswilliamwebb said:

 

She's saying "Local shop, for local people"😇

"Now then, what's all this shouting, we'll have no trouble here.."

[Obi-Jiff Kenobi]

I see she is carrying a bag for all the precious things.

[jcm@gwr]

[jbqfc]

An old, tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. The guy examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly, and knows the dog has a home.

The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks it's rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tail and leaves.

The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tail and leaves.

This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."

The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[Obi-Jiff Kenobi]

[Jeremy Cumberland]

"Now for only £199.99 you can wonder why it is on your mantlepiece". Classic!

[J. S. Bach]

I think that I could go to the local food emporium and get the basics for that for a couple of bucks! Note that I already have a circular piece of something to mount it on!! Who knows, mine might just taste better than it looks.

[franciswilliamwebb]

9 minutes ago, J. S. Bach said:

Note that I already have a circular piece of something to mount it on!!

 

Pizza & Bourbon Henge🫡

[J. S. Bach]

Pepperoni pizza and Ripple!

[5944]

[Hroth]

1 hour ago, 5944 said:

 

Sick as a parrot, I'd say!

 

[westernfan]

Hey Bob, does your missus still speak that Pakistani language?’

‘Yeah, Urdu.’

[westernfan]

A self-important youngster at the Gymkhana Pub took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the bloke said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the Internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies,...and,' pausing to take another drink of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.... So we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****, what are YOU doing for the next generation?'

[Reorte]

24 minutes ago, westernfan said:

A self-important youngster at the Gymkhana Pub took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the bloke said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the Internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies,...and,' pausing to take another drink of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.... So we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****, what are YOU doing for the next generation?'

Uninventing quite a few of them would be a good start!

[PhilJ W]

Edited Thursday at 23:07 by PhilJ W

[PhilJ W]

[westernfan]

2 hours ago, Reorte said:

Uninventing quite a few of them would be a good start!

I didn't write the joke and quite frankly I agree with you. 🙂

[JZ]