The Forum Jokes Thread

[newbryford]

For FB users.... (maybe should go in the driving standards thread!)

https://www.facebook.com/reel/522809657063882

[The Johnster]

Gyneacologists as well...

[Tim123]

Having followed the instructions I'm now in search of employment. Male, 57, knows his way around VBA and macros in Excel. Knows a bit about trains too 😁

[JZ]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk" !!

Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"

Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says

"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ?

[JZ]

So an elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you

[PhilJ W]

[CameronL]

A group of ladies was playing a round of golf at their exclusive country club, when one of them got stung by a bee. 

 

In serious pain, and wanting to complain (some people will complain about anything) she headed for the golf shop and asked to speak to the resident professional. 

 

"I just got stung by a bee," she complained. 

 

Worried that there might be a swarm to deal with, the professional asked: "Where?"

 

"Between the first and second holes," she replied. 

 

The professional said: "You're standing with your feet too far apart."

[J. S. Bach]

Does that mean that she is big and fat?

[PhilJ W]

[KeithMacdonald]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.

"When I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said that she couldn't possibly wear them as they were too large. I said to her, 'of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said, "I can't wear these, they're far too large for me.""Exactly," Jack replied, "I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on, Jack," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't get into your knickers," said Jack.

Jill replied "Exactly, and if you don't change your fu**ing attitude, you never will!"

[luckymucklebackit]

An ongoing problem at Catholic Churches in Las Vegas is that a considerable number of Casino Chips are found in the collection boxes.  A solution to this issue has been found and the chips are now taken to a local Franciscian Monestary where they are sorted and returned to the various Casinos for cashing.

 

This is done by Chip Monks.

[kevinlms]

10 minutes ago, luckymucklebackit said:

An ongoing problem at Catholic Churches in Las Vegas is that a considerable number of Casino Chips are found in the collection boxes.  A solution to this issue has been found and the chips are now taken to a local Franciscian Monestary where they are sorted and returned to the various Casinos for cashing.

 

This is done by Chip Monks.

Assisted no doubt by Fish Fryers!

[steve1]

steve 

 

 

[Sidecar Racer]

 

 After 40 years of marriage .

 

 Wife ,            "You never noticed when I got that new nightie"

 

Husband ,   "Let me give you a tiny word of advice dear,

                      Now you'll not find this in your romantic novels,

                      but if you're going to wear a see-through nightie, don't wear a vest!"

[Colin_McLeod]

[newbryford]

...

[AndrueC]

I've long believed in intelligent life elsewhere in the universe. I mean, seriously, it must exist somewhere.

[F-UnitMad]

2 hours ago, AndrueC said:

I've long believed in intelligent life elsewhere in the universe. I mean, seriously, it must exist somewhere.

Or, as put in a 'Calvin & Hobbes' cartoon....

[J. S. Bach]

Maybe it has but we do not recognize the "language" or maybe the means of contact as we can not relate to it in any way.

 

 

Edited August 24 by J. S. Bach
To correct a typo

[J. S. Bach]

2 hours ago, AndrueC said:

I've long believed in intelligent life elsewhere in the universe. I mean, seriously, it must does exist somewhere.

There, I have corrected your statement.

[KeithMacdonald]

51 minutes ago, J. S. Bach said:

Maybe it has but we do not recognize the "language" or maybe the means of contact as we can not relate to it in any way.

 

So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

[KeithMacdonald]

 

 

[CameronL]

8 hours ago, AndrueC said:

I've long believed in intelligent life elsewhere in the universe. I mean, seriously, it must exist somewhere.

Lest we forget...

[franciswilliamwebb]

 

Nicked from Facebook...

[Hroth]

29 minutes ago, franciswilliamwebb said:

 

Nicked from Facebook...

 

I see its listed Humbrol No 31 Slate Grey, but not RC413 Engineers Grey...

We won't go near grey/gray!