The Forum Jokes Thread

[jbqfc]

[Hroth]

23 minutes ago, jbqfc said:

 

Well, the soft furnishing department is always screamingly dull, I expect the bears couldn't take it any more....

 

[The Johnster]

46 minutes ago, jbqfc said:

The teddy bears, obviously. 

[J. S. Bach]

27 minutes ago, The Johnster said:

The teddy bears, obviously. 

Maybe after a few hours at the

 

[franciswilliamwebb]

1 hour ago, Hroth said:

 I expect the bears couldn't take it any more....

 

Some of them seem to be managing 😇

[CameronL]

SWMBO and I went for a pub lunch today.  When the waitress took our order she asked: "Do either of you have any allergies or intolerances?"

 

I couldn’t see how it was relevant, but she did ask, so I replied: "Yes. Hamsters make me sneeze and Jehovah's Witnesses really p1ss me off."

[pH]

Two bears go for a job on a building site and are hired as labourers. The foreman takes them to the stores and has a set of tools issued to each of them - a pick, shovel and crowbar. He warns them to look after these tools - loss of any of them will mean firing. Returning from their lunch break on that first day, they find tools are missing - they only have shovels and crowbars left.

 

They feel they have to admit to the foreman that they’ve lost tools - he’s going to find out anyway - so they go to him and say tools are missing. He says “You’re lucky. I didn’t tell you, but this is the one day in the year where it’s traditional for pranks to be played on our bears, and the bears are not held responsible for the results of the pranks. Yes, today’s the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked.”

[Hroth]

1 hour ago, J. S. Bach said:

Maybe after a few hours at the

 

 

I prefer Henry Halls version....

 

 

[jbqfc]

[PhilJ W]

I was told if you hold a kiwi fruit in one hand and a testicle in the other 

you would not be able to tell the difference

so I recruited my wife  to carry out an experiment to see if it were true

 

We are now both banned from ASDA

[Hroth]

3 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

I was told if you hold a kiwi fruit in one hand and a testicle in the other 

you would not be able to tell the difference

so I recruited my wife  to carry out an experiment to see if it were true

 

We are now both banned from ASDA

 

I would be worried if the texture of yours was similar to that of a kiwi fruit.

 

Did you try "Guessing the weight of the melons" too?🤔

 

[DK123GWR]

7 hours ago, AndrueC said:

No-one ever suffered harm or died because they didn't have access to Sky

It seems to have been a significant hardship for our former Prime Minister...

[6990WitherslackHall]

48 minutes ago, jbqfc said:

I posted that in the things that make you :) thread.

[CameronL]

3 hours ago, PhilJ W said:

was told if you hold a kiwi fruit in one hand and a testicle in the other 

you would not be able to tell the difference

Unless you give them a really good squeeze.  The screaming tells you which is which.

[BR60103]

My father heard that BBC outside broadcasts used to test their connections with a recording of the Grenadier Guards playing Teddy Bears' Picnic.

 

[Hroth]

7 hours ago, CameronL said:

Unless you give them a really good squeeze.  The screaming tells you which is which.

 

Kiwis do tend to be quite vocal.

It'd certainly bring a new dimension to the Haka....

 

[CameronL]

18 hours ago, jbqfc said:

More like this than the Teddy Bear's Picnic.

Edited August 14 by CameronL
Problem with the link.

[The Johnster]

At a wedding many years ago, the waiter came to our table and asked 'would any of you like some wine?'  Response, in our best whingeing voices, 'oh, all right then, if we have to.  My girlfriend simply faceplanted...

 

22 hours ago, J. S. Bach said:

Maybe after a few hours at the

 

 

You'll sure have a big surprise...

 

Dem teddybears needs theys luvin' too!

 

 

[JZ]

[franciswilliamwebb]

9 minutes ago, JZ said:

Is that a spelling mistake or just my eyesight 😇

[JZ]

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife, “Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

[Nick C]

To the optimist, the glass is 1/2 full.

 

To the pessimist, the glass is 1/2 empty.

 

To Microsoft Excel, the glass is 1st February.

[kevinlms]

1 hour ago, JZ said:

"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

I wonder if she realised that she only needed 37 people to change their vote?

[kevinlms]

Just now, Nick C said:

To the optimist, the glass is 1/2 full.

 

To the pessimist, the glass is 1/2 empty.

 

To Microsoft Excel, the glass is 1st February.

To Americans, it would be 2nd January and almost exclusively so!

[Nick C]

1 minute ago, kevinlms said:

To Americans, it would be 2nd January and almost exclusively so!

The original I saw said 2nd January, I anglicised it...