RMweb Premium AndyB Posted March 22, 2013 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 22, 2013 Seems the two British cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope on his first day in office. All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "Does the Pope want a Full English for breakfast?"Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was reported to have replied, quite tersely - "Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina..." I'll get me cassock. Andy 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike J Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 TOY STORY Ever wonder if Woody and Buzz found Andy's mums toys? And would they have the same names? 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Claude_Dreyfus Posted March 23, 2013 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 23, 2013 I recently bought a reflective waistcoat... It just sits in the corner reading works by Proust and Descartes. 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike J Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 I recently went shopping for some camouflage trousers, but despite an extensive search I couldn't find any. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
graeme3300 Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 A Quick Check for Alzheimer's The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it! 1. This is this cat. 2. This is is cat. 3. This is how cat. 4. This is to cat. 5. This is keep cat. 6. This is an cat. 7. This is old cat. 8. This is fart cat. 9. This is busy cat. 10. This is for cat. 11. This is forty cat. 12. This is seconds cat. Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I bet you cannot resist passing it on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike J Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 My other half bought a cook book the other day 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she a vegetarian...... 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted March 25, 2013 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 25, 2013 I think my wife has just bought a New Zealand cookery book,,,, our meals are All Black. Mike. 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted March 31, 2013 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 31, 2013 Given that both Popes are now in residence will the Vatican be known as Frankie and Benny's? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Claude_Dreyfus Posted April 6, 2013 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 6, 2013 My mate's kid was recently baptised Times New Roman. I think the vicar used the wrong font.... 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Claude_Dreyfus Posted April 8, 2013 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 8, 2013 So I just found out that Magnesium and Oxygen can get together, I was like OMg. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 I think that this has been around for some time, but don't remember it here previously..... apologies if it is "old hat". No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner. His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!" His answer was received with a standing ovation. 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 Dear Technical Support, Six years ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. Any advice would be helpful, many thanks. 15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted April 10, 2013 RMweb Gold Share Posted April 10, 2013 Took a maths exam this week. I'm not confident. It seems I've got a 70/40 chance of passing.... Ian Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 steve 16 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 I was sat on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers, when the wife said "You spoil those dogs!" steve 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted April 17, 2013 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 17, 2013 I'm getting married again before age realy gets to me . Chatted to the good lady about about any changes we would need to make She said: I want to keep my house.I said: That's fine with me. She said: I want to keep my nice car I said: That's fine with me. She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.I said: OK, put me down for Fridays. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted April 17, 2013 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 17, 2013 A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems."All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.But now I've developed two annoying problems:First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your b**bs."She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........." 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave47549 Posted April 17, 2013 Share Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) . Edited October 1, 2021 by Dave47549 Removed pointless guff Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted April 18, 2013 RMweb Gold Share Posted April 18, 2013 A mathematical joke ...... What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt! 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
lankyphil Posted April 22, 2013 Share Posted April 22, 2013 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Claude_Dreyfus Posted April 22, 2013 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 22, 2013 Which reminds me. I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'... ...you probably saw our posters. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Claude_Dreyfus Posted April 22, 2013 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 22, 2013 Just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold lakeview770 Posted April 23, 2013 RMweb Gold Share Posted April 23, 2013 Just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy... Douglas Adams Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy was a five part Trilogy 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonBradley Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 I thought tha I had posted a Good Morning message but it' appears to have disappeared! So Good Morning. It appears to be a glorious day. No wind, 25C promised and npt a c;oud in sight. Happy Tuesday to you all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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