The Forum Jokes Thread

[Sidecar Racer]

I was in a pub on last Saturday . Just browsing when

 

I noticed two large women by the bar.

 

They both had strong accents so I asked,

 

"Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?"

 

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you idiot!"

 

So, I immediately apologized and said...,

 

"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

 

That's the last thing I remember...

[Sidecar Racer]

Wee Billy from Glesga tried his utmost to look cool.

 

His friend told him that he needed a pair of good designer trainers to go with his shell suit.

 

Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty Ginger bottles and finally

managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

 

Strutting down the street, Billy called out to all the passers by "Check oot ma new trainers pal? Stonkin, he?"

 

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that while they were indeed a fine pair of trainers, was young Billy

aware that, "Ye've no' done up the laces on wan o' them,

 

Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace on one trainer, and that on the

sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do so.

 

When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

 

"There y'are! Clear as day it says......

 

Taiwan !!!!!"

[Stanley Melrose]

I don’t know how many people spend their Summer holidays in Southern France or Northern Spain, as I do, but there is still a tradition of the travelling circus in that part of the world. There is a small number of family run circuses that move daily from town to town and village to village, throughout the summer, entertaining the holidaymakers with traditional circus acts. Sometimes the stink of the caged animals in hot weather is as bad as the Kop on a mild Saturday in August. But back to the story which I read in Sud-Ouest, a local regional French newspaper some years ago.

 

It appears that in a remote village in the Pyrenees some genetic mishap resulted in a family producing generations of dwarfs. Not only were they tiny, they were also phenomenal acrobats. They could do all sorts of tumbling tricks, for example arranging themselves into human pyramids several storeys (i.e. dwarfs) high. They would then lean forwards and collapse the pyramid into a succession of forward rolls ending up in an arrow formation standing to attention on the ground – a bit like Everton’s current line-up.

 

Anyway, one of the circus owners heard rumours of the existence of this village and its family of dwarfs and made plans to visit them one winter to see if the stories were true. To his great delight, they were – and beyond his wildest dreams. If he could only persuade the family to work their tumbling into a routine, his circus would be the main attraction throughout the towns and villages of Southern France and Northern Spain the following summer. After some hard negotiation he signed the family for the following season and they joined the rest of his team in their winter quarters to work on their act.

 

All went supremely well and by the time the next season started he was confident his circus would break records all over the region. He was right! Night after night the big top was packed to capacity and the family of dwarf Basque acrobats stole the show. Many efforts were made to lure the family away to rival circuses but fortunately they remained loyal to their original benefactor. Because of this they all prospered and the whole circus became featured in every form of media. Of course, there were those who were just curious about dwarfs and their life-style. They wanted to know all sorts of intimate details about their lives and habits. Unlike so many others, celebrity status did not affect the Basque acrobats; in fact they revelled in it. They appeared on television; they were feted everywhere – and they all made a lot of money.

 

As the season came to an end, the ultimate reward was in sight – a spectacular show on national television to be broadcast from Paris. The whole circus was to perform on prime time TV and the fee would be enormous. The circus owner was absolutely delighted and the acrobat family ecstatic with their new-found popularity. The invitation included accomodation at a smart hotel on the Champs Elysee – with shopping trips thrown in, as long as the cameras could record their every move. To ensure that the advertising revenue was maximised, the TV company insisted on filming a trailer in the hotel lobby, featuring most of the circus acts but especially the acrobats. No problem, everyone was so happy to oblige as long as the money came in because circus life is tough and there aren’t many big pay-days for performers.

 

The day of filming dawned and the circus performers came down to breakfast to find the cameras already set up in the hotel foyer. The owner of the circus had agreed a routine so that all his acts got some publicity but the highlight was to be the final routine which was to involve the Basque family of dwarf acrobats. The producer made one stipulation; the grand finale was to be the collapsing pyramid of the acrobats with a new twist. The pyramid would collapse towards the revolving door of the hotel and the dwarfs would roll one by one through the spinning door onto the pavement outside. The acrobats were thrilled at this and so confident of their abilities that they didn’t even rehearse the stunt.

 

After the mandatory interviews, the producer gave the signal and the acrobats formed their human pyramid. At this given signal, the door was pushed at just the right speed and the pyramid collapsed towards it. One by one the dwarfs rolled through the door and outside. They all ended up in a heap in the gutter, grinning and chattering. Before they could get to their feet a large camion came along and mowed them all down. Every single one was killed - and this on television, too.

 

As the announcer said later, the moral of the story is, “Don’t put all your Basques in one exit”.

[DonBradley]

Very very shaggy!

[Enterprisingwestern]

I could see that one coming, but still had to read to the end!

Typical of a toffee man.

 

Mike.

[shortliner]

Here are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

 

 

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

 

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

 

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

 

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

 

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

 

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

 

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

 

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

 

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

 

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

 

11. Patient had toast for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 

12. She is numb from her toes down.

 

13. While in A&E, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

 

14. The skin was moist and dry.

 

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

 

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

 

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

 

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

 

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

 

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

 

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

 

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

 

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

 

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

 

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

 

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

 

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

 

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

 

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

 

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

 

For the sake of your health - stay away from hospital

[Gdaysydney]

One for the boys

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

 

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, okay I can't park the bloody car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"

One for the girls

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

 

He went storming to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

 

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

 

The wife replied, the f***ing funeral director would be my first guess."

[gazmanjack]

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The 1st Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only goes for 8 minutes. The 2nd Sunday he talks for 10 minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they ask him what happened. The Pastor explains that on the 1st Sunday his gums hurt that much, he could only talk for 8 minutes. The 2nd Sunday his gums hurt too much and couldn't talk for more than 10 minutes. But, on the 3rd Sunday, he explains that he put his wife's false teeth in by accident and couldn't shut up....

 

Cheers,

 

Gary.

[shortliner]

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1 . Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.

2 . Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3 . Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4 . Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

 

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good

Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up . "

 

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of

fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny . "How could he, with just two worms .

 

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters a

month to learn the chapter . Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm . After much practice, he could barely get past the first line .

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the

congregation, Ricky was so nervous .

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,

"The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know" .

 

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused

and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon . One day, she asked him

why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages .

"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon . "

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked .

 

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your

prayers for you each night? That's very commendable . What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

 

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every

family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past) . For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls . "

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing . My

curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!

 

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's

house .

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served . When

Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away .

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer . " said his mother .

"I don't need to," the boy replied .

"Of course, you do "his mother insisted . "We always say a prayer before

eating at our house . "

"That's at our house . " Johnny explained . "But this is Grandma's house

and she knows how to cook.

[gazmanjack]

So sick of blonde jokes, a blonde cut her hair and dyed it brown. The next day she drove out into the countryside where she came upon a flock of sheep crossing the road.

 

Stopping her car to watch the fluffy flock, she calls out to the farmer, "Your sheep are so cute. If I can guess how many you have, will you give me one ?". The farmer was taken by the womans beauty and said, "Yes".

 

So the woman said the first number that came into her head, which was '436'.

 

"That's right", said the farmer, "You can pick any one from my flock". After much thought and study, the woman selects the one she thinks is the cutest and most playful to take home.

 

The farmer turns to the woman and said, "Now I have a proposition for you, If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back...?"

 

Cheers, Gary.

[shortliner]

The Presidential contenders somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

 

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

 

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had the contender in his chair reached for the aftershave. The Contender was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a wh0rehouse.'

 

The second barber turned to the President and said, 'How about you sir ?' The President replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a wh0rehouse smells like.'

Edited November 19, 2012 by shortliner

[PhilJ W]

Back in 1962 Johnny arrives at his new girlfriends (Peggy Sue) for his first date. While he's waiting for Peggy Sue to get ready he strikes up a conversation with her mother. Her mother tells him "Peggy Sue likes to screw you know." Naturally Johnny can't believe his luck. Half an hour later a rather disheveled and angry Peggy Sue comes storming back home and tells her mother "Mum, how many times do I have to tell you that the new dance is called the Twist!"

[shortliner]

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.

 

 

Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

 

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

 

 

 

 

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a

wall...

but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

 

 

 

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.

"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."

So I took her to McDonalds.

 

 

 

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then

harder until finally it came.

I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

 

 

 

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.

She still manages to get into the shed, though.

 

 

 

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.

"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.

"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

 

 

 

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be

punished."

So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

 

 

 

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"

"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

 

 

 

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.

Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

 

 

 

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.

"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the

receipt.

 

 

 

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.

"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

 

 

 

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."

She nodded.

"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

 

 

 

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"

"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

 

 

 

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently

massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

 

 

[jwealleans]

Post #1030.....

[Belsay Lad]

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door...

 

or tried to lick their own elbows!

[jwealleans]

or tried to lick their own elbows!

 

Someone said that that was impossible on QI. Some episodes later they showed someone in the audience doing it.

[shortliner]

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

 

 

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

 

 

 

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

 

 

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

 

 

 

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

 

 

 

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewellery store."

 

 

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

 

 

[AndyB]

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

 

Philippe Filop.

[AndyB]

An old lady goes into a police station and says: "There's a sandwich outside with a bomb in it."

 

The desk sergeant obviously can't believe his ears.

 

"It's true!" exclaims the old lady.

 

"It can't be!" says the sergeant.

 

"THERE IS" insists the old lady.

 

"There CAN'T be! " shouts the sergeant.

 

"There most certainly IS" says the old lady.

 

"All right, all right", says the exasperated sergeant. "Is it tickin'??"

 

"No, ham" answers the old lady.

[Sidecar Racer]

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.........

 

 

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

 

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

 

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

 

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

 

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

 

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

 

"No, on the contrary..."

 

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

 

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

 

"No, not really."

 

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

 

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

 

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was "$^*"!*" his wife.

[Sidecar Racer]

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get

all his whiskers off because his cheeks are so wrinkled from age.

 

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to

spread out the skin.

 

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he

wanted to know what would have happened if the had swallowed the little ball.

 

The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[Sidecar Racer]

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan .

 

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to

ask if there was a barber on the premises.

“'I'm afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him apologetically, “but down the hall from your room is a vending

machine that should serve your purposes.”

 

Sceptical’ but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening,

at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and

surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

 

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,’Manicures; $20.00’.

 

“Why not?” thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot and the machine started to

buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

 

The next machine had a sign that read, “This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives: 50 Cents.”

 

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his

manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

 

Fifteen seconds later, it shut off.

 

 

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit,

 

 

 

 

which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

[Sidecar Racer]

Experts thought the infamous *Crackatinni Tribe had been wiped out years ago...until researchers

stumbled upon a small cluster of tribe members in the middle of the harsh Australian outback.

 

 

The researchers were forced to approach quietly, lest they scare the inhabitants away before getting

a chance to photograph them in their natural state...

 

 

 

 

 

[Sidecar Racer]

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.

 

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive

pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy,

HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

 

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, health and safety, and human rights laws.

 

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access.

 

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number

of compensation claims.

 

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24 hours a day and each ship will have its own industrial tribunal.

 

The crew ratio will be 50/50 men and women, balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race,

gender, sexual preference and disability.

 

Sailors will have to work only a maximum of 37 hours a week in line with Brussels Health and Safety rules, even in wartime.

 

All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

 

Tobacco will be banned throughout the fleet, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and ratings' messes.

 

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "rum, ###### and the lash", so out has gone the occasional rum

ration which is to be replaced with sparkling water.

 

Although ###### remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available

but only on request.

 

Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours except Capstan Full Strength.

 

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist, and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor".

 

All information on noticeboards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille.

 

Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches,

and this applies equally to women crew members.

 

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities.

 

The Union Flag has already been discarded.

 

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon . She will glide gently into the water as the band

of the Royal Marines plays "In The Navy" by The Village People.

 

Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the Channel from France to ports on England 's south coast.

 

The Prime Minister said "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to

comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels ".

 

 

His final words were "Britannia waives the rules".

[steve1]

Looks like Benitez will get two full seasons as manager of Chelsea.

 

Winter and Spring.

 

steve