The Forum Jokes Thread

[Horsetan]

 

 

I have no idea when this apparently happened, I just posted it because it got e-mailed to me recently.

 

OMG!

[Budgie]

Saint Peter is waiting by the pearly gates when a hole appears in the cloud. Eventually Frank Carson climbs up.

Saint Peter asks, "Frank, how did you get here?"

Frank tells him, "I borrowed a ladder."

Saint Peter: "My goodness, what a fantasic ladder to reach the heavens, where did you get it?"

Frank: "Its Jacob's; its a cracker."

 

R.I.P. Frank Carson, 85!

[newbryford]

And another Yorkshire joke

 

A Yorkshire farmer was in the office of his local newspaper announcing the sad passing away of his dearly beloved wife of many years.

 

The assistant at the desk informed him that for the same price of his announcement, he could add another four words......

 

The announcement read:

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Florence Haythornthwaite, dearly beloved wife of Edward, devoted mother and grandmother, aged 84, died peacefully in her sleep on 3rd March. The funeral will be at St. Wilfrid's church at 10.30am on Wednesday 9th March. Family flowers only, donations to Cancer Research UK. Also, tractor for sale."

[Guest Max Stafford]

A Labour strategist dies and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. The strategist is taken inside Heaven by St. Peter and given a guided tour. He's led into one huge room that is full of millions of clocks, and he notices a clock with his name on it that has stopped. St. Peter explains that everyone has a clock that counts down the seconds of their life, and when someone dies, their clock stops. All this fascinates the strategist but when he examines all of the other clocks, he notices that some of the clocks' second hands are moving faster than others. St. Peter explains that every time someone tells a lie, which is a sin, they lose part of their life, so their clock's second hand ends up moving faster. The Labour strategist looks around but doesn't see Tony Blair's clock, so he asks St. Peter where it is. "Oh," answers St. Peter, "that's being used as a ceiling fan."

 

Dave.

[shortliner]

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle... The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!

Edited February 25, 2012 by shortliner

[steve1]

Liverpool have asked permission for their fans to bring flares to Wembley on Sunday. Apparently, last time they were there everyone was wearing them.

 

steve

[DonB]

Penguins

I never knew this...

 

 

 

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins

on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

 

Wonder no more ! ! !

 

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

 

The penguin is very committed to its family and will

mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of

compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

 

 

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members

of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes

in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is

deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

 

 

The male penguins then gather in a circle

around the fresh grave and sing:

 

 

 

 

 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

 

 

 

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

 

 

 

 

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool you people.

I am sorry, the devil made me do it!!!

I fell for it too.

Edited March 2, 2012 by DonB

[newbryford]

A couple of Frank Carson jokes (RIP tomorrow)

 

The council in Blackpool have given bus passes to the homeless - how do they know where to get off?

 

 

 

 

Paddy says to Flanagan "I can't sell my car - it's got 78,000 miles on the clock"

Flanagan "Why don't you wind the clock back then?"

 

A couple of weeks later, Flanagan asks if Paddy has had any success in selling his car.

 

Paddy replies "Why should I sell it, it's only done 12,000 miles......"

 

Cheers,

Mick

[Guest Max Stafford]

Heard about the Jewish Mafia?

 

The Kosher Nostra...

 

Dave.

[DonB]

Statistically speaking, 6 out 7 dwarves are not Happy.

[Sidecar Racer]

One for the golfers on here .

 

 

 

 

 

Ten Best Caddy Responses . . . .

 

 

 

Number :10

 

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

 

Number : 9

 

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

 

Number : 8

 

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes . . . . you miss the ball much closer now."

 

Number : 7

 

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

 

Number : 6

 

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."

 

Number : 5

 

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch . it's a compass."

 

Number : 4

 

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "It's very good . but personally, I prefer golf."

 

Number : 3

 

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

 

Number : 2

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

 

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:

 

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

 

Bonus . . . . .

An old favorite . . . . . about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . . . He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy. . . . .

 

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . . .??"

 

Caddy: "There's a piece of doodoo on the end of your club."

 

Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . .

.

Caddy: "No sir, its at the other end"

[Sidecar Racer]

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways.

 

 

The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?"

 

"Yes", the boy replied.

 

"Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?"

 

The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation."

 

"What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?"

 

"I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually"

 

"And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied.

 

"And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?"

 

The boy thought about that one.

 

"I'd run into town and get my uncle"

 

"Is your uncle an electrician?"

 

 

 

 

"No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"

[Sidecar Racer]

Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them.

 

One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up."

 

When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress."

 

The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up."

 

 

He came back and said: " We both have the same problem.â€

[AndyB]

Women love a man brimming with self confidence.

Because without that, what's to destroy?

 

 

(responses so far have been "His tankard" and "His sex drive")

[newbryford]

Another golf joke.

 

Three players on the 1st tee being watched by the club pro.

 

First one tees off and slices badly out of bounds - he turns to the pro and asks for advice - "loft" is the reply.

 

Satisfied that teh pro has spotted a problem with his clubs, he vows to have them checked later.

 

Second player tees off and promptly hooks the ball badly onto the adjacent 9th fairway - turning to the pro, "loft" is the same advice.

Bemused, but also vowing to check his clubs.

 

Third player tees off and tops the ball 50 yards - and he hears the same word "loft" from the pro.

 

Now they're really confused and collectively ask the pro how loft can cause a slice, a hook and a top.

 

"Easy", says the pro, "lack of f&%£ing talent"

 

Cheers,

Mick

[Snow White]

DCC has covered movement and sound pretty comprehensively now. The next big development will be smell - using specially developed decodours

[BoD]

I've just seen a plumpish lady singing.

She had a laptop.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think it was a del.

[DDolfelin]

Was she Finnish?

[M e]

What do you call a poorly-built small layout......?

 

.........a dire rama.

[royaloak]

I smoke far to many cigarettes these days and its affecting the kids health, so I'm giving them up.

Anyone recommend a decent adoption agency?

[shortliner]

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way ...

 

"Well, Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers. escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down

several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of

quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four 'leaks'

behind big trees."

 

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors

man!"

 

"No," I replied, "I'm just a very rubbish golfer."

[shortliner]

Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I Work, they pay me. I pay my taxes & the government distributes. My taxes as it sees fit.

 

 

In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (With which I have no problem). What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

 

 

So, here is my question:Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check becauseI have to pass one to earn it for them?

 

 

Please understand, I have no problem with helping

People get back on their feet.

 

I do, on the other hand, have a problem

With helping someone sitting on their BUTT----

Doing drugs while I work.

 

Can you imagine how much money each province/state

Would save if people had to pass a urine test

To get a public assistance check?

I guess we could call the program

 

"URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!

 

Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't.

Hope you all will pass it along, though.

Something has to change in this country - AND SOON!

 

P.S. Just a thought, all politicians

Should have to pass a urine test too...

Lord knows they couldn't pass an IQ test!

Edited March 11, 2012 by shortliner

[shortliner]

I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar.

 

 

They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?"

 

 

One of them chirped "It's WALES you ###### idiot!"

 

 

So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

[DonB]

Wife by text to husband at work

 

"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

 

Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

 

Wife a few minutes later -

 

"Done that, now computer won't work at all"

[Guest Max Stafford]

Native American chief goes on holiday to New York and walks into a bar.

Bartender says; "Afternoon Chief, how you enjoying our city".

"Heap great" he says " How you enjoying our goddam country?"

 

Dave.