RMweb Gold Hroth Posted August 16 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 16 (edited) 2 hours ago, westernfan said: Paddy says to Mick. "I'm ready for a holiday, but I'm going to do it different this time. 3 years ago, I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy, Mary got pregnant. Last year, I went to Majorca and she got pregnant again. Mick said, "So what are you going to do different this time?" Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me." It'll happen again. She probably got preggers from overenthusiastic farewell or welcome home intimacies! The next will be a holiday adventure - Hot Stuff on a balcony.... Edited August 16 by Hroth typo 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted August 16 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 16 A couple in their sixties were walking along the beach, admiring the sunset... The wife sees a dirty lamp, and the husband stoops down to dust it off. Magically, a genie appears, and thanks the couple for freeing him from his imprisonment. "As a reward," the genie says, "I’ll grant you each one wish. " The wife says, "I want to sail around the world... " "Send me and my husband on a first-class luxury cruise." "POOF!" She is suddenly holding two tickets for a cruise on the finest luxury ship in the world. The genie then turns to the husband and asks, "And for you sir, what will your wish be? " The husband looks at his wife, then leans in close to the genie and whispers, "I want a wife that is thirty years younger than me." "POOF!"... He is suddenly... 90 years old! 1 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted August 16 Share Posted August 16 1 hour ago, Sidecar Racer said: The genie then turns to the husband and asks, "And for you sir, what will your wish be? " The husband looks at his wife, then leans in close to the genie and whispers, "I want a wife that is thirty years younger than me." "POOF!"... He is suddenly... 90 years old! Ah yes, the old "careful what you say to a Genie" jokes, like the chap who wished for his 'thingy' to touch the floor - so the Genie took his legs off..... 🙄🙄😉 1 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
2750Papyrus Posted August 16 Share Posted August 16 Both a bit cruel - I prefer the twelve inch pianist. 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted August 16 Share Posted August 16 Chap walks into a pub. He’s dressed in a tracksuit and trainers, carrying a sports bag. There’s a clipboard under one arm and round his neck are two lanyards with a whistle and a stopwatch on each. The barman says to him “Get out! We don’t want your sort in here!” Looking surprised, the chap replies… … … … ”But the sign outside says coaches welcome”… steve 1 2 15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted August 17 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 17 Ordinary road walks into the pub, and orders a beer. Short while after, dual carriageway comes in, and because road is a bit intimidated by him, he picks up his beer and sits at a table out of the way. 'Bout 10 minutes later, motorway turns up, and dual carriageway, also a bit intimidated, joins road at his table and they strike up a conversation. Then, bit later, a raggy strip of tarmac comes in, all potholes and patches. Motorway very quickly leaves the bar and joins the other two, showing every indication of being terrified. 'What's wrong', says road, 'big wide motorway like you can't be scared of a runt like him, surely'. 'Yeah'. says dual carriageway, 'look at 'im, not even a full lane wide, he's useless, you could take him!'. Don't be fooled', says motorway, 'I know him. He doesn't look much, but trust me, he's a cycle path!'. Works better spoken than in print, but you get the drift. 1 1 12 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIK Posted August 17 Share Posted August 17 I've just seen the musical Cleopatra! - the hit song is 'I see you, baby - shaking that asp'. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted August 17 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 17 1 1 1 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgil Wedge Posted August 17 Share Posted August 17 Here’s why Putin likes those big long tables - so he can play trains off camera! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Popular Post JZ Posted August 17 RMweb Premium Popular Post Share Posted August 17 The rain was pouring down. And there, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?" "Fishing," replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me." In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?" "You're the eighth." says the old man. 5 20 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Popular Post Colin_McLeod Posted August 17 Author RMweb Gold Popular Post Share Posted August 17 3 1 1 17 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Popular Post Tim123 Posted August 17 RMweb Gold Popular Post Share Posted August 17 1 20 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
exmoordave Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3 & 5. Turns out he only does odd jobs..... 3 1 4 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted August 18 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 18 1 12 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted August 18 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 18 13 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Hroth Posted August 18 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 18 3 minutes ago, PhilJ W said: There should be scorch marks on the wall too... 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post westernfan Posted August 18 Popular Post Share Posted August 18 Went to the swimming for the first time in ages today, but didn't realise they could tell when you were peeing in the water these days. Lifeguard shouted at me so loudly I almost fell off the diving board.... 20 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
westernfan Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun. 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
westernfan Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 5 2 3 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 11 hours ago, westernfan said: A grumpy old man (anybody know one?) complains about the shape of the glass. 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
exmoordave Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 The man who invented morse code died recently. Dashes to dashes Dots to dots 3 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Hroth Posted August 19 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 19 21 minutes ago, exmoordave said: The man who invented morse code died recently. Dashes to dashes Dots to dots Sadly Morse didn't invent it, and strictly its a cypher not a code... 1 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted August 19 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 19 1 hour ago, Hroth said: Sadly Morse didn't invent it, No doubt he as a result he was plagued by remorse. 2 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 1 hour ago, Hroth said: Sadly Morse didn't invent it, and strictly its a cypher not a code... Transcription errors have made him morose. 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Reorte Posted August 19 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 19 Must dash, those jokes are driving me dotty. 4 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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