The Forum Jokes Thread

[Thorness]

[JZ]

On 28/06/2024 at 14:21, JZ said:

Is an argument between two vegans still called a beef?

Funnily enough, on Saturday. I was checking tickets between Bristol and WsM and I came across this chaps who runs a vegan website. Not your stereotypical vegan*. So I asked him this question. He laughed and said, yes, it probably was.

 

*You only tend to notice the ones that drive 'their' way down your throats.

[JZ]

[JZ]

[KeithMacdonald]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[ColinK]

The England football team will not be voting in the general election as they can’t put a cross in the box.

[NIK]

The Portugal and Slovenia players are being put off by those flares - the crowd shouldn't be wearing 1970's fashions.

Edited July 2 by NIK

[newbryford]

[KeithMacdonald]

2 hours ago, newbryford said:

 

If it wasn't for those pesky kids, i would have won that quiz.

[KeithMacdonald]

An elderly Scot lay dying in his bed.

 

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......

'Pipper off,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

[Matt37268]

I feel rather sorry for those magnificent Scotland fans who now have to go out and buy Switzerland Shirts for Saturday 😜

Edited July 2 by Matt37268
Damn you Autocorrect!

[F-UnitMad]

Never mind, it'll soon be time for this....

[PhilJ W]

49 minutes ago, F-UnitMad said:

Never mind, it'll soon be time for this....

I was in Tess Coes this afternoon, all the England shirts, flags etc. were now on the reduced to clear shelves.

[Matt37268]

21 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

I was in Tess Coes this afternoon, all the England shirts, flags etc. were now on the reduced to clear shelves.

A family friend of ours owns a ‘department store’ otherwise known as ‘Allan’s of Netherton’ if you’re from the Black Country you may know it.  

 

It basically sells all and any kind of tat you can think of, but I have to say I’ve never understood why it’s owner didn’t appear on ‘The Apprentice’ In 2004 he had a load of left over stock from the Euros that year, what did he do 2 years later for the World Cup? Just cut off the the Euro 2004 labels on what was left over.
Lord Sugar would have been rather proud of those rather square George flags that appeared in the Netherton, Cradley and Dudley area at the time 😀

Most definitely for another thread but I have several stories of him and his business 😀

 

[F-UnitMad]

7 hours ago, Matt37268 said:

A family friend of ours owns a ‘department store’ otherwise known as ‘Allan’s of Netherton’ if you’re from the Black Country you may know it.  

Oh yes, know it well. The only time there's any parking spaces free on the street outside, is when you don't want to go in Allans for something.... 🙄🙄😂😂😂👍👍👍

[PhilJ W]

Apparently one tube busker used to play in Jim Morrison’s band, according to the train announcer…”Stan Klea of the Doors !!”

[PhilJ W]

A French engineer discovered per sq cm the snail shell was the lightest and strongest material next to carbon. 
He decided he should build a motor from this but was laughed out of every factory.
Eventually he built it himself and with a state of the art 5L V8 engine, adaptive suspension etc,etc
He called it the S after a snail. 
He then took it the Nurburgring to show off and the spectators were amazed at the speed of it and would shout " look at that s car go"

[Matt37268]

5 hours ago, F-UnitMad said:

Oh yes, know it well. The only time there's any parking spaces free on the street outside, is when you don't want to go in Allans for something.... 🙄🙄😂😂😂👍👍👍

I believe it’s now his daughter who’s a pervayor of tat now, as I say I have a few stories of her dad’s exploits over the years, the day when he caught a shoplifter being a favourite of mine. 

[PhilJ W]

15 minutes ago, Matt37268 said:

I believe it’s now his daughter who’s a pervayor of tat now, as I say I have a few stories of her dad’s exploits over the years, the day when he caught a shoplifter being a favourite of mine. 

Do please tell us more.

[Welchester]

1 hour ago, PhilJ W said:

A French engineer discovered per sq cm the snail shell was the lightest and strongest material next to carbon. 
He decided he should build a motor from this but was laughed out of every factory.
Eventually he built it himself and with a state of the art 5L V8 engine, adaptive suspension etc,etc
He called it the S after a snail. 
He then took it the Nurburgring to show off and the spectators were amazed at the speed of it and would shout " look at that s car go"

 

There really is an S-Cargo:

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nissan_S-Cargo

[J. S. Bach]

I would not mind having one!

[PhilJ W]

1 hour ago, J. S. Bach said:

I would not mind having one!

They are available in the UK as a 'grey' import though they are Nissan Micra based so spares here in the UK will not be a problem, though the price might be.

https://www.carandclassic.com/car/C1646293

[Matt37268]

6 hours ago, PhilJ W said:

Do please tell us more.

Ok here we go, as Allen’s is one of those places that sells everything and anything, imagine the middle aisle at Aldi on a Wednesday 😀

 

Anyhow a few years ago my mate who’s business it still is happened upon a shoplifter and gave chase, now with Netherton like most places in the Black Country being rather close to the canal our gallant hero caught up with the tea leaf on the tow path. 
Whilst hardly Clint Eastwood in ‘Dirty Harry’ 

I believe the standoff went something like this:

Out of breath Shoplifter: Alright mate, fair enough, I’ll give it back and just doh call the police ok? 
My Mate: (lightbulb moment when he realised where they were, and I get the feeling some of you are already ahead of me here 😜)

’ok mate, just pass it here’ 

2 minutes later there’s an almighty splash and a shoplifter in the cut. 
Anyhow my mate gets back to work… 10 minutes after that he’s dealing with a customer when he hears a voice call out ‘I’m gonna effing have yoo’ 

I wasn’t there but I get the impression it’s rather difficult to be menacing when you’ve just come out the canal and your soaking wet…

I also get the feeling it’s very difficult to act the hard man when most of Netherton and the surrounding area have heard what’s happened at lunchtime and are having a good old chuckle about it (and you) at teatime…