The Forum Jokes Thread

[Colin_McLeod]

So that's why there is a fairy on top of the Christmas Tree!

[St. Simon]

 

You could have answered that by asking: "Have you seen my Christmas tree when it's up?"

So that's why there is a fairy on top of the Christmas Tree!

 

Hi,

 

There's always a couple that lowers the tone....

 

Simon

[steve1]

I was sat at the computer last night doing a bit of online research.

 

The wife said "what are you doing?"

 

"Looking for cheap flights!" I replied.

 

When I got downstairs, she'd cooked me my favourite meal and there was a cold beer ready for me.

 

She snuggled up to me watching the football and we went to bed and had the most amazing time in years.

 

In the morning I asked her what all that was in aid of.

 

"You were looking for cheap flights, that's so sweet!" she said.

 

"Fair enough, but you've never taken any interest in my darts before.."

 

steve

[big jim]

answered the door naked to the postman earlier....

 

dunno what frightened him more, my naked body or the fact i knew where he lived

[AndrewC]

A woman with really long legs keeps following me.

 

 

I think I'm being storked.

[Arthur]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

 

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

 

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

 

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

 

"Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

 

"Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"

[Mike J]

Two blokes, Paddy and Mick were on a night out and got absolutely smashed. They decide that they have no chance of picking any girls up in their state of drunkenness, so Paddy suggests that they pay for the privilege.

Upon arrival at the brothel, the madame immediately notices Paddy and Micks inebriated state and decides that the two sops will not notice if she gives the girls an easy night and substitutes two blow up dolls.

The rooms are prepared, payment is made and our two heroes go upstairs to separate rooms for their night of fun.

Later, on their way home, Paddy asks Mick if he enjoyed himself with his companion.

"Not really" replies Mick, "I think mine was dead!"

"Dead, what makes you think that?" says Paddy.

"Well, she just laid there, never moved and never spoke the entire time"

"If you think that's bad" retorts Paddy, "I'm sure mine was a witch"

"A witch! Why do you say that?" enquires Mick.

"Well, during foreplay I bit her on the bum, she farted in my face, and flew out of the window!"

[beast66606]

just got back from my mates funeral. Poor chap got hit on the head by a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

[BoD]

My mate died on the golf course.

The funeral was going realy well until someone shouted loudly 'Get in the hole'

[QRModeller]

Not an actual joke but still made me laugh:

 

 

Matt.

[Mike J]

Took me a few seconds Matt......doh!......Nice one.

[pointstaken]

Excuse the noise - I've just fallen in ! (Is that Mike underneath me ? )

 

Dennis

[DonB]

Risking the anger of the Mods.....

 

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed

a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity

music in women's breast implants.

 

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00

depending on speaker size.

 

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because

women have always complained about men staring

at their tits and not listening to them.

 

[QRModeller]

A guy walks into a bar. He’s ordering some drinks when he notices that there are two large pieces of meat stuck to the ceiling so he asks the barman why they’re there. The barman says, “Well, it’s part of a little game I have going here. You’ve got to try and get those down from the ceiling without using a chair or a pool cue or anything else. If you manage, I’ll give you $200. But if you try it and you don’t succeed, you’ve gotta give me $200.”

So the guy eyes up the ceiling for a while, and eventually turns back to the barman and says, “No, I’m not going to try it.”

Of course, the barman says, “Why not? Look it’s easy, all you’ve gotta do is get them down off the ceiling.” And the guy shakes his head and says, “No, no, I can’t do it. The steaks are too high.”

 

 

Things children can teach you.

 

 

A king sized waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

 

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

 

A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

 

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.

 

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

 

When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

 

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

 

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

 

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.

 

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of it.

 

A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

 

Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

 

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

 

Super glue is forever.

 

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

 

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

 

VCR’s do not eject “PB &J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

 

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

 

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

 

You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

 

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

 

The fire department has a 5-minute response time.

 

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

 

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

 

80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

 

Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:

a ) For those with no children – this is totally hysterical!

b ) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c ) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d ) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e ) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control

 

 

Matt.

[QRModeller]

Army Manual Excerpts

 

 

“Aim towards the Enemy.” – Instruction printed on US

Rocket Launcher

 

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our

friend.” – U.S. Army

 

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very,

very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” –

U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

 

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade

launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite

unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” – Army’s magazine of preventive

maintenance

 

“Try to look

unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” – Infantry Journal

 

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” – Col. David

Hackworth

 

“If your attack is going too well, you’re probably

walking into an ambush.” – Infantry Journal

 

“No combat-ready unit

has ever passed inspection.” – anon

 

“Don’t draw fire;

it irritates the people around you.” – Unknown Army Recruit

 

 

Matt.

[QRModeller]

Holmes and Watson Go Camping

 

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are out on a camping trip. They trudge all day, covering lots of miles, and finally decide, just as dusk is falling, that it’s time to set up camp for a night. They put up their tent, start a fire, cook a simple meal, eat, and both being exhausted from the day’s exertions, go to sleep.

 

At about three in the morning Holmes shakes Watson awake and says, “Watson, look up at the stars in the sky and tell me what you deduce from them.” Watson is sleepy, but he has learned that there is always a point to even the most random of Holmes’s questions, so he does as he’s told, and gazes up at the stars.

“Well, Holmes,” he says after a moment, “I can see millions of stars. Millions of them. And I guess if there are millions of stars, then around many of those stars there must be planets. And if there are planets around those stars, then some of those planets must be like our planet. And if planets like ours exist around some of those stars, then on some of those planets there may well be people, looking up at the stars and imagining that we exist as well. That’s what I deduce from looking up at the stars, Holmes.”

 

Holmes replies, “No, Watson, you fool — someone has stolen the tent.”

 

 

Matt.

[QRModeller]

Outlook: Not good!

 

 

First, thank god this isn't you. Now, have a hearty laugh at the poor sod.

 

 

Matt.

[Rugd1022]

Paddy goes to a job interview for a position in the chemical industry...

 

Interviewer : ''Well Mr.Murphy, it appears from your CV you worked in the industry before, I take it you are familiar with nitrate?"

 

Paddy : "oh yes dat's roight, da last toim I was on it I tink it was sumtin loik toim and a half"

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

London's Metropolitan Police Force are hot on the heels of 'The Knitting Needle Killer'...... with several similar fatal stabbings in identical circumstances, they believe they've detected a pattern.

 

[DonB]

 

 

An Australian Love Poem

 

 

 

Of course I love ya darlin

You're a bloody top-notch bird

And when I say you're gorgeous

I mean every single word

 

So ya bum is on the big side

I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready

There's somethin' there to grab

 

So your belly isn't flat no more

I tell ya, I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya

I can get my arms round there

 

No sheila who is your age

Has nice round perky breasts

They just gave in to gravity

But I know ya did ya best

 

I'm tellin' ya the truth now

I never tell ya lies

I think it’s very sexy

That you've got dimples on ya thighs

 

I swear on me nanna's grave now

The moment that we met

I thought you was as good as

I was ever gonna get

 

No matter what u look like

I'll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the cricket’s on

And fetch another beer

 

[QRModeller]

You haven't heard the song 'Bloke' by Chris Franklin by any chance have you Don?

 

Matt.

Edited December 8, 2011 by QRModeller

[Naruto]

An Airman, a Seaman, a Marine, and an Army Ranger are being interviewed by a CNN reporter. The reporter asks, "Excuse me, what are your opinions regarding the weapon and food shortage in the desert outposts?" The Airman replies, "What's a weapon?" The Seaman replies, "What's a desert?" The Ranger replies, "What's food?" The Marine replies, "What's excuse me?"

[DonB]

You haven't heard the song 'Bloke' by Chris Franklin by any chance have you Don?

 

Matt.

 

Nope! is that where it originates? came to me in an email.

 

Lets try this then.... I think it appeared in RMweb2....

 

 

Making a baby. (There is not one "dirty word" in it!)

 

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to....'

 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

 

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

 

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

 

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

 

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

 

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

 

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

 

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

 

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

 

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

 

'Tripod?'

 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

 

 

Mrs. Smith fainted

 

 

 

[DonB]

First a disclaimer: no connection with Carlsberg, and don't much like the stuff either, but they do produce some good commercials:--

 

The producers of this beer commercial borrowed a small 150 seat cinema

playing a popular film, and filled 148 of its seats with

rough-looking, tatooed bikers, leaving only two free seats in the

middle of the theater. They then allowed theatre management to sell

tickets for the last pair of seats to several young couples.

 

Watch till the end .....

 

http://www.theinspiration.com/2011/09/carlsberg-stunt-in-cinema/

[Mike J]

I was in the supermarket the other day and the missus turned to me out of the blue and scowled "What a lazy t**t you are!"

I almost fell out of the blooming trolley!

Edited December 9, 2011 by Mike J

[Highlandman]

Confucious say........

 

' never swim in brown lumpy water'

 

' duck who fly upside down, quack up.'