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The Forum Jokes Thread


Colin_McLeod
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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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1 hour ago, Joseph_Pestell said:

 

My car is worth £800 (according to insurers) and ULEZ compliant.

Last year my (ULEZ compliant) car* was valued at £1500 by 'We buy any car' . This year its £1800 and I've been offered £2200 for it but at the moment its not for sale. *08 registration Hyundai i10 one owner from new, low mileage and FSH.

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My (diesel) Yeti is only 'Euro 5' but, since gaining BR privilege travel facilities in 1992, I've not driven inside the M25 anyhow. My last car involved was old enough that it wasn't Euro anything, and would likely be exempt now, despite being a bit of a smoker!

 

I've seen most of the galleries, museums, and grockle traps years ago. I'm not into theatre, opera or ballet, and the last shop it was worth visiting the capital for was Victor's!

 

Having carried a CD player from Tottenham Court Road to Waterloo back in the eighties, anything I can't carry with one hand has since been sourced from stores I can park outside or delivered.

 

My last regular reason for going to London was the Ally Pally exhibition, but getting there and back started to feel too much like hard work almost a decade ago.

 

TBH, I don't think I was ever really that impressed with our glorious capital, and it won't bother me in the slightest if I never go there again, with or without paying £12.50 for the privilege.

 

John

Edited by Dunsignalling
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15 hours ago, The Johnster said:

 

If you put a battery in a torch the wrong way around, why doesn't it send out a concentrated beam of darkness into the light?  Just asking...

If you put the batteries in a radio the wrong way round, why doesn't it fill the room with silence?

Edited by CameronL
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30 minutes ago, CameronL said:

If you put the batteries in a radio the wrong way round, why doesn't it fill the room with silence?

With some radio stations, silence would be an improvement!

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3 hours ago, chris p bacon said:

Aaaah The Grauniad, my mistake,  I forgot that left wing politics is fine rather than no politics 🙄

 

And an ex Tory party leader applauds vandalism in that well known left wing publication the Daily Mail…

 

steve

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20 minutes ago, steve1 said:

And an ex Tory party leader applauds vandalism in that well known left wing publication the Daily Mail…

 

steve

 

Which part of 

4 hours ago, chris p bacon said:

no politics

 

was difficult to understand?

 

ULEZ is a contentious subject for a lot of people, posters putting a political spin on what is supposed to be 'Jokes' thread doesn't help anyone.

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46 minutes ago, chris p bacon said:

 

Which part of 

 

was difficult to understand?

 

ULEZ is a contentious subject for a lot of people, posters putting a political spin on what is supposed to be 'Jokes' thread doesn't help anyone.

Perhaps more about yet another twist being consciously added to the cost-of-living spiral than pure politics?

 

TBH, the ULEZ expansion seems to be "contentious" among the politically unaligned, and across most of the political spectrum, and even if stronger support/criticism may be loaded towards either end of it. 

 

If I were affected (which I'm not)  and owned a non-compliant car I wanted to keep (which I do), I'd just buy the cheapest compliant banger I could find to use when I needed to enter the zone.

 

At £62.50 a week for a 5-day-a-week commute, running such a second car would be way cheaper.... 

Edited by Dunsignalling
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17 minutes ago, Dunsignalling said:

Perhaps more about yet another twist being consciously added to the cost-of-living spiral than pure politics?

 

TBH, the ULEZ expansion seems to be "contentious" among the politically unaligned, and across most of the political spectrum, and even if stronger support/criticism may be loaded towards either end of it. 

 

If I were affected (which I'm not)  and owned a non-compliant car I wanted to keep (which I do), I'd just buy the cheapest compliant banger I could find to use when I needed to enter the zone.

 

At £62.50 a week for a 5-day-a-week commute, running such a second car would be way cheaper.... 

 

Running a car which doesn't comply more than likely puts you in the lower wage bracket and I'd say at a guess purchasing another, or second car is either impossible or isn't an easy option.  

As you are unaffected and therefore don't live in the London boroughs I'd say that you weren't really capable of commenting as the cost of living 154 miles from the capital is substantially different.  

 

Quite what this has to do with Jokes I've no idea, but that's the problem when posters make 'political' comments.

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1 hour ago, chris p bacon said:

 

Running a car which doesn't comply more than likely puts you in the lower wage bracket and I'd say at a guess purchasing another, or second car is either impossible or isn't an easy option.  

As you are unaffected and therefore don't live in the London boroughs I'd say that you weren't really capable of commenting as the cost of living 154 miles from the capital is substantially different.  

 

Quite what this has to do with Jokes I've no idea, but that's the problem when posters make 'political' comments.

If you actually think it's cheaper, set against average earnings, to live in Devon than in London, you really aren't as clued up as you sound!  

 

People are being driven out of communities they grew up in all over the West Country, by Londoners who can, fleeing the municipal politics of the capital. They then use the proceeds of selling up to force local housing costs up to the point where much of the existing population won't make sufficient money through their entire working lives to service mortgages big enough to compete.

 

Not their fault (or entirely that of the incomers), it's the preponderance of crappy low-paid seasonal jobs depressing general incomes locally that's the real problem.

 

Local democracy in London unfortunately stimulates something that looks more like ethnic/economic cleansing down here.   

Edited by Dunsignalling
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1 hour ago, Dunsignalling said:

If you actually think it's cheaper, set against average earnings, to live in Devon than in London, you really aren't as clued up as you sound!  

If we're doing Top Trumps....I'm in The Borders...it's a winning hand as 23% of the properties in the village are either airbnb or holiday homes and the Scottish governments ability to shoot themselves in the foot over house valuations and fixed price /offers over has meant young people are unable to obtain mortgages, but this isn't the thread for it.

Edited by chris p bacon
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Two ugly sisters from Fordham
Took a walk one day out of boredom
On the way back
A sex maniac
Jumped out of a bush and ignored 'em.

 

Is this my own work? No!

Is it the work of John Cooper Clarke? Yes!

Is it more appropriate for this topic than talking about the depressing cost of motoring? Definitely!

 

Cheers,

 

Will

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53 minutes ago, CWJ said:

Two ugly sisters from Fordham
Took a walk one day out of boredom
On the way back
A sex maniac
Jumped out of a bush and ignored 'em.

 

Is this my own work? No!

Is it the work of John Cooper Clarke? Yes!

Is it more appropriate for this topic than talking about the depressing cost of motoring? Definitely!

 

Cheers,

 

Will

Hint taken. 😉

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3 hours ago, Dunsignalling said:

People are being driven out of communities they grew up in all over the West Country, by Londoners who can, fleeing the municipal politics of the capital. They then use the proceeds of selling up to force local housing costs up to the point where much of the existing population won't make sufficient money through their entire working lives to service mortgages big enough to compete.

 

Here's the joke....

That's been happening for at least 60 years. The world hasn't stopped.

Many of the young people leave the West Country, go up country, get better paid jobs. Life goes on.

I should know, I was one of them. 🙂

In the fullness of time, some of these become part of these (gasp) terrible people that are moving to the West Country.

There's a natural economic cycle at work.

If they don't move back, they've decided they are better off outside the West Country.

It's not a holy shrine you know.

 

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1 hour ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 

Here's the joke....

That's been happening for at least 60 years. The world hasn't stopped.

Many of the young people leave the West Country, go up country, get better paid jobs. Life goes on.

I should know, I was one of them. 🙂

In the fullness of time, some of these become part of these (gasp) terrible people that are moving to the West Country.

There's a natural economic cycle at work.

If they don't move back, they've decided they are better off outside the West Country.

It's not a holy shrine you know.

 

Though there's a huge difference between leaving because one wants to, and remaining becoming untenable.

 

In many places, any choice in the matter is rapidly disappearing, and the staff needed for tourism and local services to function along with it.

 

The end game may well be areas of the region stripped of any individuality, that are fit only for self-catering holidaymakers and second-homers in season and out-of-area burglars in the winter.

 

There's much more I could say, but I've already acknowledged that this isn't the thread for it.

 

John 

Edited by Dunsignalling
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6 minutes ago, Dunsignalling said:

There's much more I could say, but I've already acknowledged that this isn't the thread for it.

 

How about we find a thread that is suitable? 🙂

Then we won't get Moderated. 🤭

Or p155 our friends off with boring repetition of something that's not funny. 🤬

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