The Forum Jokes Thread

[Chris116]

40 minutes ago, NIK said:

Snooker Championship:

 

'For those watching in black and white the green protester is behind the red'

Somebody was watching Pot Black in their mis-spent youth!

[CameronL]

It was a quiet afternoon in the pub. A very unhappy man walked in, up to the bar and asked the barman for a double whisky, which he then downed in one and asked for another. 

 

After five of these the barman said "Go easy, we're not closing for hours."

 

"Give me another," the man replied.

 

"What's the matter," asked the barman.

 

"I've lived round here for thirty years," the man said. "I've worked all my career as the local builder, but does anybody say 'There goes Frank, the builder.'? No, they do not."

 

"Is that a real problem?"

 

"There's more. A few years ago I rescued  a family from a burning house,  but does anybody say 'There goes Frank, the hero.'? No, they do not."

 

"And?" asked the barman, by now quite puzzled.

 

"So, you build houses for thirty years but no-one calls you 'Frank the builder'.. You save lives but no-one calls you  'Frank the hero'.  But you sh4g one sheep..."

[KeithMacdonald]

Do you remember the old days at the fuel pumps?

When all we had to worry about was mixing up petrol and diesel?

Seems like there's an entirely new permutation to worry about now!

 

[PhilJ W]

22 minutes ago, KeithMacdonald said:

Do you remember the old days at the fuel pumps?

When all we had to worry about was mixing up petrol and diesel?

Seems like there's an entirely new permutation to worry about now!

 

Or fill an electric car with petrol.

 

[NIK]

After a Scottish runner is disqualified from a race for using a car part of the way she claims she then handicapped herself by eating a deep fried Mars bar.

[F-UnitMad]

56 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

Or fill an electric car with petrol.

 

Exactly what the other picture you 'quoted' was depicting!! 😉🤦‍♂️

[kevinlms]

5 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

Do you remember the old days at the fuel pumps?

When all we had to worry about was mixing up petrol and diesel?

Seems like there's an entirely new permutation to worry about now!

 

We know that you want to go up close to her, to explain of course!

Edited April 20, 2023 by kevinlms
Missing word.

[RJS1977]

ISTR back in the days when refuelling was allowed in Formula One, that a new team sent their car out for a few laps in the first practice session of the season, brought it back to the pits to refuel and then realised that the fuel flap was on the wrong side of the car...

[NIK]

Spoiler Alert

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Its a launch Jim, but not as we know it.

[NIK]

'You know, in all this excitement I can't remember if five of my engines failed or six. Do you feel lucky punk, well do ya?.'

[PhilJ W]

[J. S. Bach]

For me, O scale models and shaky ½" scale fingers!

 

Edited April 21, 2023 by J. S. Bach
To do a minor edit.

[Dagworth]

The Ten Commandments Of The Bass. 
 

(brought to mind by a bass player with six strings appearing on my stage this evening, I think we have had it before but it’s worth repeating)

 

#1 "Thou shalt not f**k up the groove. F**k up the notes if thou must, but not the groove."
#2 "Thou shalt not lust after thy guitar player's part. He keepeth the fun, thou keepeth the groove."
#3 "Be thou not swayed by a drummer with crappy time, for thou art the keeper of the beat."
#4 "Be thou not led into temptation before the gig. After is cool."
#5 "Thou pusheth thy luck with five strings, six is a mortal sin, for thou hast no business in the upper register"
#6 "Thou shalt not thump with thy thumb, nor honk with a pick when thy fingers are the way of truth."
#7 "Thou shalt not fear whole notes, for they can be the way and the light."
#8 "Thou shalt leave the fancy s**t to thy bandmates, so they might wrestle with their own bad taste."
#9 "Thou shalt change thy strings at least once per decade, whether they need it or not."
#10 "Thou shalt tune thy bass before each and every gig, even though it was in tune when last thou put it away"

 

Edited April 21, 2023 by Dagworth

[Dunsignalling]

24 minutes ago, Dagworth said:

The Ten Commandments Of The Bass. 
 

(brought to mind by a bass player with six strings appearing on my stage this evening, I think we have had it before but it’s worth repeating)

 

#1 "Thou shalt not f**k up the groove. F**k up the notes if thou must, but not the groove."
#2 "Thou shalt not lust after thy guitar player's part. He keepeth the fun, thou keepeth the groove."
#3 "Be thou not swayed by a drummer with crappy time, for thou art the keeper of the beat."
#4 "Be thou not led into temptation before the gig. After is cool."
#5 "Thou pusheth thy luck with five strings, six is a mortal sin, for thou hast no business in the upper register"
#6 "Thou shalt not thump with thy thumb, nor honk with a pick when thy fingers are the way of truth."
#7 "Thou shalt not fear whole notes, for they can be the way and the light."
#8 "Thou shalt leave the fancy s**t to thy bandmates, so they might wrestle with their own bad taste."
#9 "Thou shalt change thy strings at least once per decade, whether they need it or not."
#10 "Thou shalt tune thy bass before each and every gig, even though it was in tune when last thou put it away"

 

 

Shouldn't that list go up to eleven? 😉

 

[kevinlms]

"Mum, where do the bad rainbows go?  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Prism, dear. But it's only a light sentence"

[proton]

Colourful humour.

 

PBM

[The Johnster]

There's a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.  But it's always the other end...

[luckymucklebackit]

[tomparryharry]

"What came first, the chicken, or the egg?

 

"The potato!

 

"What?

 

"The potato! You can't have egg without chips! What are you, some kind of pervert?

 

A genuine conversation between  two work colleagues, at 3am on a nightshift.... 

[J. S. Bach]

2 hours ago, tomparryharry said:

"What came first, the chicken, or the egg?

 

"The potato!

 ...snip...

Wrong, it was the frying pan! Both the egg and the chicken were created to fill said pan.  Hmmm, on second thought, so was the potato!

[KeithMacdonald]

On 21/04/2023 at 19:07, Dunsignalling said:

Shouldn't that list go up to eleven? 😉

 

Spinal Tap's model railway speed controller.

 

[CameronL]

Did you know that Tottenham Hotspur -

have something in common with a Class 31 diesel locomotive?

Apparently they have the same wheel arrangement -

[Compound2632]

Ha, so the two wingers do all the work but the middle forward is a idler?

[Al51]

My dog's got no dictionary...

[Rich_F]

28 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

Ha, so the two wingers do all the work but the middle forward is a idler?

Unless there's a penalty to be taken........