The Forum Jokes Thread

[KeithMacdonald]

Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25
years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
Jacqueline to stand and unbutton her blouse, he embraced her, put his
hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc
watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as
though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here
on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I've got golf.

[KeithMacdonald]

For any parents that have endured teenage children ....

 

[J. S. Bach]

Not funny at all.

[slow8dirty]

Yes it was. Being able to relate doesn't mean you don't love your kids unconditionally. Our kids know how much we love them, but Skyline & Supra appreciate the sacrifices we made for them as well.

Edited March 14, 2023 by slow8dirty

[KeithMacdonald]

19 minutes ago, slow8dirty said:

Yes it was. Being able to relate doesn't mean you don't love your kids unconditionally. Our kids know how much we love them, but Skyline & Supra appreciate the sacrifices we made for them as well.

 

Agreed. We've weathered that storm. Ten years ago we had revolting teenage children that were screaming "I HATE YOU". Wonderfully and magically, they have turned into happy well-adjusted young adults that tell us not to stay out too late 😀

[NIK]

Other news:

 

Scientists are tracking a rogue iceberg the size of London. It was the size of Wales but they waited until it was less of a cliché.

[Hroth]

6 minutes ago, NIK said:

Other news:

 

Scientists are tracking a rogue iceberg the size of London. It was the size of Wales but they waited until it was less of a cliché.

 

Cornish independence has triumphed too, they're also tracking one the size of Kernow!

 

[NIK]

14 minutes ago, Hroth said:

 

Cornish independence has triumphed too, they're also tracking one the size of Kernow!

 

Is that Kernow, Kernow or Kernow, Guildford?.

[jcredfer]

2 hours ago, NIK said:

Is that Kernow, Kernow or Kernow, Guildford?.

 

I don't kernow...

 

.....  it's like coming up against a corn wall...

 

[The Pilotman]

16 hours ago, J. S. Bach said:

Not funny at all.

????

[KeithMacdonald]

[KeithMacdonald]

[KeithMacdonald]

[NIK]

Millennials insist BBC iplayer must be renamed the 'me, me, me player'.

Edited March 15, 2023 by NIK

[J. S. Bach]

5 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

Maybe it is front of the door and the guy is behind it.

[kevinlms]

6 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

Should say 'Pedants Society Meeting in this room behind the door Friday'.

[CameronL]

A man was walking past a graveyard and heard sobbing and a very sad voice saying "Why? Why? Why did you have to die?"

 

He followed the sobbing into the graveyard and saw a man draped over a gravestone, crying his eyes out. The gravestone had a man's name on it. He walked up and said to the man: "I'm sorry for your loss. Was it your brother?"

 

The other man just shook his head and carried on weeping.

 

"Oh, was it your father?" he asked. Shake of the head again.

 

"Son?" No. "Uncle?"

 

"Well, he must have been very close to you."

 

The man stopped sobbing. "Not really," he replied. "He was my wife's first husband."

[Bernard Lamb]

[KeithMacdonald]

The New Improved and Inclusive Office Thesaurus

 

Here's a list of New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases that have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
 

1.

Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off you a*se- hole

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f*** is this pile of shyte?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

14.
Try Saying:
I don't think it was supposed to turn out like that
Instead Of:
I see the f**k up fairy has visited again then

15
Try Saying:
Sorry - I didn't quite catch that
Instead Of:
What the f**k are you wittering on about this time ?

16
Try Saying
Do you really think so ?
Instead Of:
No sh*t Sherlock

17
Try Saying:
Do you think that's appropriate work wear for the office ?
Instead Of
Have you seen the f**king state of that ?

18
Try Saying:
There is a cleaner required in the lavatories
Instead Of:
I'd give that a while if I was you

19
Try Saying:
He's / she's quite attractive
Instead Of:
I'd do it

20
Try Saying:
He does have a tendency to procrastinate
Instead Of:
He's so f**king boring, I am losing the will to live

21
Try Saying:
It's so nice to be in a busy office environment
Instead Of:
Why don't you all just shut the f**k up

 

Note: At your discretion, this may be performed aloud in the style of Stanley Baxter and Parliamo Glasgow

[CameronL]

16 hours ago, kevinlms said:

Should say 'Pedants Society Meeting in this room behind the door Friday'.

It should also say "Pedants' Society". The apostrophe is essential!

[Hroth]

20 minutes ago, KeithMacdonald said:

The New Improved and Inclusive Office Thesaurus

 

Here's a list of New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases that have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
 

1.

Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off you a*se- hole

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f*** is this pile of shyte?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

14.
Try Saying:
I don't think it was supposed to turn out like that
Instead Of:
I see the f**k up fairy has visited again then

15
Try Saying:
Sorry - I didn't quite catch that
Instead Of:
What the f**k are you wittering on about this time ?

16
Try Saying
Do you really think so ?
Instead Of:
No sh*t Sherlock

17
Try Saying:
Do you think that's appropriate work wear for the office ?
Instead Of
Have you seen the f**king state of that ?

18
Try Saying:
There is a cleaner required in the lavatories
Instead Of:
I'd give that a while if I was you

19
Try Saying:
He's / she's quite attractive
Instead Of:
I'd do it

20
Try Saying:
He does have a tendency to procrastinate
Instead Of:
He's so f**king boring, I am losing the will to live

21
Try Saying:
It's so nice to be in a busy office environment
Instead Of:
Why don't you all just shut the f**k up

 

Note: At your discretion, this may be performed aloud in the style of Stanley Baxter and Parliamo Glasgow

 

TBH, the originals have charm and immediacy compared with the po-faced, circumlocutory suggested alternatives.

 

Perhaps there's a more direct way of saying that....  🤔

[CameronL]

30 minutes ago, Hroth said:

 

TBH, the originals have charm and immediacy compared with the po-faced, circumlocutory suggested alternatives.

 

Perhaps there's a more direct way of saying that....  🤔

There is -

 

"I prefer the "Instead Of"s. The "Try Saying" ones are b0ll0cks.

 

(Less than half the syllables)

Edited March 16, 2023 by CameronL
Added a bit

[Hroth]

3 hours ago, CameronL said:

There is -

 

"I prefer the "Instead Of"s. The "Try Saying" ones are b0ll0cks.

 

(Less than half the syllables)

 

To get in the full spirit of the "Instead Of"s, you might say "The "Try Saying" ones are effing b0ll0cks".

 

Much more satisfying!

 

[Hroth]

15 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

The New Improved and Inclusive Office Thesaurus

 

Here's a list of New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases that have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
 

1.

Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off you a*se- hole

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f*** is this pile of shyte?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

14.
Try Saying:
I don't think it was supposed to turn out like that
Instead Of:
I see the f**k up fairy has visited again then

15
Try Saying:
Sorry - I didn't quite catch that
Instead Of:
What the f**k are you wittering on about this time ?

16
Try Saying
Do you really think so ?
Instead Of:
No sh*t Sherlock

17
Try Saying:
Do you think that's appropriate work wear for the office ?
Instead Of
Have you seen the f**king state of that ?

18
Try Saying:
There is a cleaner required in the lavatories
Instead Of:
I'd give that a while if I was you

19
Try Saying:
He's / she's quite attractive
Instead Of:
I'd do it

20
Try Saying:
He does have a tendency to procrastinate
Instead Of:
He's so f**king boring, I am losing the will to live

21
Try Saying:
It's so nice to be in a busy office environment
Instead Of:
Why don't you all just shut the f**k up

 

Note: At your discretion, this may be performed aloud in the style of Stanley Baxter and Parliamo Glasgow

 

Regards all this, have you heard about the new Oxfam guide to language usage? It takes the above and runs with it!

 

BTW, it also states that the use of English is to be deprecated as it's a Colonial Language...

 

TBH I think it's some kind of wind-up by people with too much time on their hands.

 

Edited March 17, 2023 by Hroth
Got three letters and a word wrong, corrected, the rest stands.

[Compound2632]

43 minutes ago, Hroth said:

 

Regards all this, have you heard about the new Oxford University guide to language usage? It takes the above and runs with it!

 

BTW, it also states that the use of English is to be deprecated as it's a Colonial Language...

 

TBH I think it's some kind of wind-up by people with too much time on their hands.

 

 

Is that so? I can only find the 1994 edition. Please give a page reference and some elucidation of the context for this statement.