The Forum Jokes Thread

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[rocor]

On 21/04/2021 at 13:25, 33C said:

Just seen an advert in the newsagent's window, "Coffin for sale". I thought "That's the last thing i need......"

 

 No time (unless yours is up) wasters, or wheel (of life) kickers.

[rocor]

The question for today that I found myself posed due to random internet advertising:

 

What is a mother of the bride dress?.

 

The only thing that I thought it could be, was a garment that made you look dowdy, as you would not want to take the spotlight from the woman with the starring role for the day.

[Nick C]

17 minutes ago, rocor said:

The question for today that I found myself posed due to random internet advertising:

 

What is a mother of the bride dress?.

 

The only thing that I thought it could be, was a garment that made you look dowdy, as you would not want to take the spotlight from the woman with the starring role for the day.

Or simply a means of charging twice as much (if not more) for a perfectly ordinary dress?

[kevinlms]

28 minutes ago, rocor said:

The question for today that I found myself posed due to random internet advertising:

 

What is a mother of the bride dress?.

 

The only thing that I thought it could be, was a garment that made you look dowdy, as you would not want to take the spotlight from the woman with the starring role for the day.

What about a dress for NOT attending a Grandfather in Law's funeral?

[CameronL]

20 hours ago, Sidecar Racer said:

 

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing.

 

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner."

The room got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

Two golfers were about to tee off, halfway through a round. The tee was in the edge of the golf course, near a major road. As the first one was about to take his shot a funeral cortege drove by. He took his flat cap off and stood with his head bowed until the cars had passed .

 

"That was a decent thing to do," said his friend. "Showing respect for a funeral like that."

 

"Well," said the first one. "She was a good wife."

[pH]

3 hours ago, Baby Deltic said:

I wonder about those ‘proximity’ car keys which unlock the door for you as you approach. How can you ever check that the doors are properly locked?

[jcredfer]

It's older than me, but...

 

Jack stood on the corner of Longton Indoor Market steps, with his customary fag in the mouth.  Alright, fags very non-PC, but it was way back in the 1920s.

Every day a very very posh young blond, in a leopard skin coat would pass by, with her little white poodle.  Even more non-PC coat, but way back then.....

He was really intrigued, not only by the rather well trimmed ankles, on view, but the poodle's immaculately polished tiny black boots, which were a slightly odd addition to the usual poodle trim, tail pom-pom included, of course.  The trouble was, that he simply didn't think the very posh one would even bother to listen to a question from a person so far beneath her clearly elevated status, let alone give a civilised answer.  But...  it did irk him.....   daily...  little black boots on a blimmin' poodle...  each day just a little bit more curious.

Several weeks passed by, each day a little more curious, then, one Monday, she came past, coat and poodle, as normal, but the dog had immaculately polished brown boots.  That did it, black boots, brown boots, why would a poodle be wearing boots, every day.  He made up his mind, he blummin' would ask, the very next day and spent the next 24 hours rehearsing his question.  It had to be humble of course, very polite and quick to the point before she stomped off in a huff.  Best dump the fag, before she got there, too, umm, nice touch, he thought.

Next day he straightened up his tie, dumped the fag and waited, pumping up his courage,  Then, there she was, his eyes narrowed, in determination, as he took that pace across the pavement, too late now, she'd spotted him!  As she got closer, he drew a breath and blurted out "Excuse me, my lady, may I ask you a question, please?"  he had done it now and he paused waiting for the sharp rebuff.  To his total surprise, she stopped, turned to face him, with a smile and replied, "Yes, do."  A quick glance at the poodles paws, and he asked, "I can't help wondering why your lovely dog is wearing those beautiful tiny brown boots?  I hope you don't mind me asking."  "Oh, that's no problem at all." she said "His black ones are at the cobblers." and walked off down the street, still wearing that dazzling smile.
 

 

[Colin_McLeod]

Not a shaggy dog story, but a dog story nonetheless

[peterfgf]

1 hour ago, pH said:

I wonder about those ‘proximity’ car keys which unlock the door for you as you approach. How can you ever check that the doors are properly locked?

That's my wife's car.  After thinking that I've locked it, I go in the house, put the keys in a steel box. go back outside and try the handles.  It annoyed the hell out of me the first time it kept unlocking itself.

Peterfgf

[peanuts]

too soon ?

 

[Sidecar Racer]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and

began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 

"Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies,

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with

prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”,then returned to his paper.

 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL:

Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer

Top

[Steamport Southport]

1 hour ago, peanuts said:

too soon ?

 

 

 

Who is it?

 

 

 

 

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

 

Edited April 24, 2021 by Baby Deltic

[raymw]

and the parrot is logged onto rmweb now...

[Baby Deltic]

[Reorte]

^ For a cat that would be the time and place...

 

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Obi-Jiff Kenobi]

4 hours ago, raymw said:

and the parrot is logged onto rmweb now...

"Pieces of 8F."

[simontaylor484]

Mother of the Bride dress

[Steamport Southport]

I don't think you're quite getting "Mother Of The Bride".  

 

It's that they are nowadays more likely to be a MILF than a battleaxe.....