The Forum Jokes Thread

[andytrains]

Interview with teacher.

"What do you teach".

"Mainly little bustards".

[exmoordave]

Never try to use a ouija board to contact the ghost of a dyslexic.......

[jbqfc]

[RJS1977]

17 hours ago, kevinlms said:

A woman went to the dentist

 

 

While waiting for her first appointment with her new dentist, Susie noticed his degree certificate on the wall, which included his full name.

Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome boy from her high school class over 40 years ago who had exactly the same name. Naturally, she wondered whether it could be the same man.

 

However, upon seeing him, she quickly dismisses any such thought. She thought to herself, surely the ageing, balding, grey-haired man with a deeply lined face couldn’t possibly be one of her old high school mates.

 

After he had finished examining her teeth, Susie decided to ask him whether he attended the local high school, to which he replied yes.

 

“That’s amazing, what year did you graduate then?” she asked.

“In 1973,” he replied.

 

“Amazing, you were in my class!” Susie exclaimed.

He looked at her closely and then asked: “What subject did you teach?”

 

A man booked a dental appointment for the first time in many years. The receptionist could see how nervous he was and tried to reassure him, but as she did, the sound of loud screaming could be heard coming from the surgery.

"Don't worry, the dentist is very gentle," the receptionist said again.

The screaming got louder and the man got even more worried.

The receptionist tried to reassure the man again, but the screaming got louder still. The man had enough and ran out of the waiting room.

The screaming from the surgery continued, then the same voice yelled "WILL YOU STOP BITING MY FINGERS???"

[steve1]

steve

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[peanuts]

A preacher was concluding his sermon on temperance .

With great feeling he announced, “ If I had all the beer in the world, I would take it and throw it in the river “

Then with greater emphasis he continued, “ and if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take that and throw it into the river “

Finally, he concluded with even greater determination, “ And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take the lot and throw it into the river “

The preacher then sat down with a feeling of satisfaction.

The choir master then stood up very cautiously, and announced with a smile, “ For our final hymn we will now sing hymn number 256, “ Shall We Gather at the River “

[petethemole]

Reminds me of our local Methodist minister in the very early '60s, who gave a similar sermon on Temperance Sunday.  He was partial to a sherry when visiting.

[Compound2632]

And some Methodist cousins at my grandmother's funeral reception at our house, to my mother: "excellent trifle - what do you put in it?" She didn't like to say.

[RJS1977]

Reminds me of the story Arthur Askey used to tell of a time he and some other entertainers were staying in a boarding house somewhere during panto season. One of the entertainers used to keep a bottle of sherry in his room and became suspicious that the amount of sherry  in it was going down by more than it should be. So he marked the bottle the next time he had a drink, and when he next came to the bottle, the level had gone down. Someone was helping themselves to his sherry. At first he accused the other entertainers. They all denied it, so he checked the bottle before they all went to the theatre, and again when they got back, and it had gone down. The only person who could be taking it was the landlady.

 

"I know what to do," said Arthur. "I'll 'tinkle' in it, and it'll teach her a lesson." So Arthur did that. But the sherry kept on going down, and Arthur kept tinkling in in it.

 

The panto season ended, and as they left, the landlady asked them, "By the way, did you like those trifles I kept making for you?"

"Yes, they were very nice."

"I'm glad you liked them. I hope you don't mind, but I put some of your sherry in them..."

 

 

Edited April 18, 2021 by RJS1977

[Colin_McLeod]

[Baby Deltic]

[eastglosmog]

17 hours ago, peanuts said:

A preacher was concluding his sermon on temperance .

With great feeling he announced, “ If I had all the beer in the world, I would take it and throw it in the river “

Then with greater emphasis he continued, “ and if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take that and throw it into the river “

Finally, he concluded with even greater determination, “ And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take the lot and throw it into the river “

The preacher then sat down with a feeling of satisfaction.

The choir master then stood up very cautiously, and announced with a smile, “ For our final hymn we will now sing hymn number 256, “ Shall We Gather at the River “

Our local Father would never agree with that preacher!

https://www.charlbury.info/news/3478

[Bernard Lamb]

[Baby Deltic]

[Enterprisingwestern]

 

20 minutes ago, Baby Deltic said:

 

 Reminds me of the Kenny Everett Toulouse-Latrec joke.

 

Mike.

[Steamport Southport]

2 hours ago, Baby Deltic said:

 

Well that shatters that myth.....

[rocor]

3 hours ago, Baby Deltic said:

 

Possible solutions?.

 

Standing on tiptoe.

Maybe he can manage a sidewinder.

[Compound2632]

19 minutes ago, rocor said:

Possible solutions?.

 

Standing on tiptoe.

Maybe he can manage a sidewinder.

 

Use the WC, feet either side of the pedestal. 

 

Or, take the shoes off!

[rocor]

30 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

Use the WC, feet either side of the pedestal. 

 

Or, take the shoes off!

 Take the shoes off!, no!, no, that is clear-cut cheating.

[Compound2632]

7 minutes ago, rocor said:

 Take the shoes off!, no!, no, that is clear-cut cheating.

 

Well then, there's nothing for it but waiting until adequate pressure has built up.

[petethemole]

51 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

Use the WC, feet either side of the pedestal. 

 

Or, take the shoes off!

Would you take your shoes off and stand on the floor next to a urinal?