The Forum Jokes Thread

[Hroth]

35 minutes ago, rocor said:

 

Wellll!.

 

 

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...  Pert!

 

[Steamport Southport]

Why's Warwick Davies hiding in her dress?

 

Still, better than having Windsor Davies under there....

 

[Baby Deltic]

[jcredfer]

Discovered in Norn Iron.....

 

 

Julian

 

[Steamport Southport]

That's an Abyssinian Wire Haired Tripe Hound....

 

[Baby Deltic]

[Hroth]

5 hours ago, Steamport Southport said:

Why's Warwick Davies hiding in her dress?

 

 

It explains the pensive expression...

 

[33C]

10 hours ago, 33C said:

I was in Holland and bought some inflatable shoes of the traditional style. The first time i wore them i fell in the canal. Popped my clogs...........

When in Holland, i like to shoulder people into canals..... Best Barging holiday ever......

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[KeithMacdonald]

In praise of Prince Philip

 

On one of Prince Philip’s visits to Australia, a virtue-signalling politico decided he would be asked the same questions as any immigrant.

Border Official: “Do you have a criminal record?”

Prince Philip: “I had no idea it was still a requirement.”

 

Facing your death with courage will often mean facing it with humour. When the brilliant Oxford mathematician Sir Michael Atiyah (not so long before his own death) told Prince Philip how sorry he was to hear he was standing down from official duties in late 2017, Prince Philip replied:

‘Well, I can’t stand up much longer!’

 

The truth about Prince Philip's 'gaffes'

https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/the-truth-about-prince-philip-s-gaffes-/amp

[CameronL]

Having brought you the Curry Top Ten and the Top Ten Albums You Will Never See on Spotify, here's the Railway Modellers' Top Ten. Start the Pick of the Pops music playing - 

 

10. Steam a Little Steam of Me – MR Cass

9. Scratch Us If You Can – The Dave Clark 5MT

8. His Late-Crest Flame – Elvis Gresley

7. Bogie Wonderland – Earth, Wind and Firing and EMUtion

6. Let’s Go Roundy-Round Again – The Average Whyte Band

5. I Love Modroc and Roll – Joan Jett and the Black Fives

4. Paint It Black (Line It Red, Cream and Grey) – The Rolling Stocks

3. EM, I Said – Neil Diamond-Crossing

2. Sheds and Plugs and Rockwool Rolls – Ian Dury and the Bullheads

 

And at Number One -

 

1. That’s just the Permanent Way It Is – Bruce Hornby and the 2021 Range

 

 

 

[Obi-Jiff Kenobi]

Don't forget:

Needles and Pinza - The Searchers

[andytrains]

[jbqfc]

[Steamport Southport]

I used to like them.

 

Now I'm an ex-tractor fan

 

 

 

[luckymucklebackit]

3 hours ago, jbqfc said:

 

Should there not be a line of class 37s for this Forum?

[CameronL]

1 hour ago, luckymucklebackit said:

 

Should there not be a line of class 37s for this Forum?

It could be the best place for them. "In Space, No-one Can Hear You Thrash."

 

Mind you -

 

"Captain, our long-range scanners have detected a dark, impenetrable nebula directly ahead."

"Analysis, Mr Riker?"

"It's Class 37 clag, sir".

Edited April 15, 2021 by CameronL
Added a bit

[Sidecar Racer]

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him:
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said. "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied. "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted. "Do you eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Australian replied. "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said. "We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them and transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."
The Australian then asked. "Do you have s** in the States?"
The American smiled and said. "Why of course we do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked. "And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."
Now it was the Australian’s turn to smile.
"We don’t. In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.

 

Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?"

[33C]

10 hours ago, jbqfc said:

"Captain Picard, what do you model?"  "N Gauge!"

[kevinlms]

A woman went to the dentist

 

 

While waiting for her first appointment with her new dentist, Susie noticed his degree certificate on the wall, which included his full name.

Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome boy from her high school class over 40 years ago who had exactly the same name. Naturally, she wondered whether it could be the same man.

 

However, upon seeing him, she quickly dismisses any such thought. She thought to herself, surely the ageing, balding, grey-haired man with a deeply lined face couldn’t possibly be one of her old high school mates.

 

After he had finished examining her teeth, Susie decided to ask him whether he attended the local high school, to which he replied yes.

 

“That’s amazing, what year did you graduate then?” she asked.

“In 1973,” he replied.

 

“Amazing, you were in my class!” Susie exclaimed.

He looked at her closely and then asked: “What subject did you teach?”

[ColinK]

That reminds me of something which happened to me some time ago.  I got attacked by two dogs and had to go to A&E to have all the bites stitched up (I was lucky to survive).  Lying on the treatment table the doctor comes in - we had been at school together, where he had been the class idiot.  No idea how he managed to become a Doctor. 

[Baby Deltic]

[Jamiel]

[KeithMacdonald]

21 minutes ago, Jamiel said:

 

That reminds me of a Darwin Awards "Honourable Mention" - for the ball cleaner on a golf course...