The Forum Jokes Thread

[APOLLO]

 

 

 

 

Brit15

[davefromacrossthepond]

12 hours ago, peanuts said:

Just a quick heads up about a documentary on Sky 9 pm Tonight I'm not really one for conspiracy theorys but this is a factual program about two Chinese scientists from Wuhan who where going to blow the bubble on the deliberately engineered Covid virus and it's second phase due Dec 20 they were supposed to catch flight C1273 out of Wuhan which of course mysteriouly vanished over the Chinese sea It's a must watch it's called: Two Wong's don't make a flight

Be careful, there's a bunch of folks on this side of the ocean that would think this true.  Sometimes I wonder. Do you people over there celebrate like we do on 4 July, but rather call it "Good riddance day?" 

[Compound2632]

4 minutes ago, davefromacrossthepond said:

Do you people over there celebrate like we do on 4 July, but rather call it "Good riddance day?" 

 

We simply remember those elements of the North American population to whom the high-flown sentiments of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution did not apply.

[F-UnitMad]

20 minutes ago, davefromacrossthepond said:

Be careful, there's a bunch of folks on this side of the ocean that would think this true.  Sometimes I wonder. Do you people over there celebrate like we do on 4 July, but rather call it "Good riddance day?" 

There was a British person's experience read out on BBC Radio 2 once some years ago; he happened to be in the USA on 4th July, and made some quip to a local chap about our view of Independence Day, and the man rounded on him quite irately and asked "And just what the hell has Independence Day got to do with Britain??".

 

The sort of thing you just couldn't make up... 

[J. S. Bach]

2 hours ago, APOLLO said:

 

 

 

 

Brit15

A great Photoshop job; even though the sign seems to be hovering.

[J. S. Bach]

1 hour ago, davefromacrossthepond said:

Be careful, there's a bunch of folks on this side of the ocean that would think this true.  Sometimes I wonder. Do you people over there celebrate like we do on 4 July, but rather call it "Good riddance day?" 

The BEST one-liner that I have read in years!!!!!

[Dagworth]

2 hours ago, davefromacrossthepond said:

Be careful, there's a bunch of folks on this side of the ocean that would think this true.  Sometimes I wonder. Do you people over there celebrate like we do on 4 July, but rather call it "Good riddance day?" 

https://www.michaelyon-online.com/a-message-from-the-queen.htm

[kevinlms]

9 hours ago, Dagworth said:

https://www.michaelyon-online.com/a-message-from-the-queen.htm

That's a lie, the last thing the Queen would want is the USA back! It's irreparably broken.

 

I'm sure the British government would find that restoring Palestine to immediate post WW2 condition, would be easier!

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[RFS]

[Ramblin Rich]

18 hours ago, Dagworth said:

https://www.michaelyon-online.com/a-message-from-the-queen.htm

When's Her Maj. going to make a similar proclamation about the state of government in the UK....?

[newbryford]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.

Inside the letter was £100 her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.

As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamppost below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the cash in it, got the man's attention, and tossed it out the window to him.

The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

 

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her.

She went down and found the stranger waiting.

Without a word, he handed her a huge envelope. “What's this?" she asked.

 

"That's the £4000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair came in at 40-to-1."

[Welchester]

35 minutes ago, newbryford said:

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.

Inside the letter was £100 her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.

As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamppost below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the cash in it, got the man's attention, and tossed it out the window to him.

The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

 

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her.

She went down and found the stranger waiting.

Without a word, he handed her a huge envelope. “What's this?" she asked.

 

"That's the £4000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair came in at 40-to-1."

 

There are similarities to the humorous poem (I'm not sure of the author) 'The Bishop's Mistake':

The bishop glanced through his window-pane
On a world of sleet and wind and rain,
When a dreary figure met his eyes
Who made the bishop soliloquise.

 

And as the bishop gloomily thought,
He ordered pen and ink to be brought,
Then 'Providence Watches' he plainly wrote
And pinned the remark to a ten bob note.

 

Seizing his hat from his lordly rack,
And wrapping his cloak around his back,
Across the road the bishop ran,
And gave the note to the shabby man.

 

That afternoon was the bishop's 'At Home',
When everyone gathered beneath his dome.
Curate and canon from far and near
Came to partake of the bishop's cheer.

 

Into the good old bishop's hall
Came a stranger lean and tall.
'Your winnings, my Lord!' he cried. 'Well done:
"Providence Watches" at ten to one!'

 

It is to be noted on Sunday next
How the bishop carefully chose his text,
And from the pulpit earnestly told
Of the fertile seed that returned tenfold….

 

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[BR60103]

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hot, cross bunnies.

 

[Obi-Jiff Kenobi]

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

 

A flat miner.

[Hroth]

And...

 

What do you get when you drop a piano on a parade ground?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Flat Major!

 

sorry...

 

[Bernard Lamb]

13 hours ago, Welchester said:

 

There are similarities to the humorous poem (I'm not sure of the author) 'The Bishop's Mistake':

The bishop glanced through his window-pane
On a world of sleet and wind and rain,
When a dreary figure met his eyes
Who made the bishop soliloquise.

 

And as the bishop gloomily thought,
He ordered pen and ink to be brought,
Then 'Providence Watches' he plainly wrote
And pinned the remark to a ten bob note.

 

Seizing his hat from his lordly rack,
And wrapping his cloak around his back,
Across the road the bishop ran,
And gave the note to the shabby man.

 

That afternoon was the bishop's 'At Home',
When everyone gathered beneath his dome.
Curate and canon from far and near
Came to partake of the bishop's cheer.

 

Into the good old bishop's hall
Came a stranger lean and tall.
'Your winnings, my Lord!' he cried. 'Well done:
"Providence Watches" at ten to one!'

 

It is to be noted on Sunday next
How the bishop carefully chose his text,
And from the pulpit earnestly told
Of the fertile seed that returned tenfold….

 

The story reminds me of an old family tale.

My mother never understood it.

Several of the men in the family would say that they believed in Santa Claus and that he brought them presents. Our house had a big makeover courtesy of Santa Claus.

Take a look at horse acing results for 1964 when he won the Derby and several other classic races.

Bernard

[peanuts]

[Compound2632]

... piano down a Yorkshire mineshaft?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

E flat minor

[Compound2632]

... piano premeditatively hurled down a mineshaft, with a particular worker in that extractive industry as the deliberate target:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

B flat minor!

[Compound2632]

... on observing a particularly witty collier:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

C sharp minor.