The Forum Jokes Thread

[Reorte]

7 hours ago, The Johnster said:

Woman I knew back in the 90s was a psychic, rejoiced in the name of Angel Destiny (really, this isn't a joke, it's a true story).  She lived in an upstairs flat on a corner, and one day it collapsed (she was out at the time),  Saw her a few days later in the post office where everybody was giviing her 'didn't see that coming', and she responded with 'yes I bl**dy well did; I've been on to the council for months about that crack...'.  Go get 'em, Angel...

And she was out at the time...

[PhilJ W]

[jcredfer]

Once upon a time, there was a Red Dragon which lived on the river Thames in London.  When the Red Dragon got tired it used to go to it's cave by Waterloo Station, which is now a Horror Museum, on the south bank of the Thames.  I know that because I've been there with my wife and young daughter.  Even got a picture posed with them standing laughing, as I had my head and hands through the holes in some Stocks provided for photo-ops.  I got my own back, as it only took 3 days for a sympathetic visitor to free me from them.  Anyway, the Red Dragon used to get its fire restored by leaping out at the passing wooden ferries and devouring them for fuel.  It also ate the passengers and crew, as being more tasty, to finish the meal.  The Mayor of London and the King tried all sorts of ways to rid the Thames of the menace, but each attempt ended in being a mere snack for the beast, some with crinkly armour toppings.

Eventually the Mayor and King gathered a group of the nation's finest Knights, who were provided with specially woven insulting woollen clothing for under their armoured suits.  Some hid in Waterloo Station, some approached, concealed in ferries and the remainder either side along the Embankment, on their sturdy Chargers.  The Mayor was on the far side of the river, keeping warm from the Hot Air Factory - still there and fully active [I nearly said "fully functioning" - silly me!}.  He held a white Gauntlet high above his head and as it dropped to the ground all the Knights charged at the Red Dragon's cave.....

The Dragon had been sleeping off the latest Ferry, but not for long, he roared and belched fire, slashing at the Knights with razor sharp claws.  Many a Knight died in the attempt, but there were so many of them, they eventually overcame the Red Dragon and it lay on the Embankment..... still.  The first thoughts were massive celebrations now the threat had been lifted from the people of London, food of all sorts was provided on huge plates-full and the drink flowed freely.  It occurred to the Mayor that such an event must be celebrated with a suitable memorial and the King thought it would be a great idea.  "Hey, what about a long statue, hollowed out with a fire inside, just like the Red Dragon had??"  "Great idea, we could have a water container inside which would belch steam out of the front, so much more environmentally friendly than smoke!" yelled the Mayor, ever aware of the next elections looming close.  "We could make it like a giant kettle, so the steam rushes out of several spouts!" said the King thoughtfully - clever!

Well, before many months passed, the Mayor had the great idea that it should be shown around the country, ever up for a money spinner, when he saw one.  So, they put a set of mighty steel wheels under it and great racks along the sides, to keep the Presenter's kit in.  Off it went, with it's shiny new paint, headed, first, to Wales, which was considered very appropriate for a Dragon to be heading - as anyone who has experienced a Welsh mother-in-law can confirm!!  And so it came to pass, and it was housed in it's new home across at Paddington, as there was no more room near to Waterloo and they could use the railway lines to move it.  Men, women and boys flocked to see the monster leave.  Traders plied Tea, Sandwiches and Sausage rolls, the money flowed like water.  The journey was so well liked in Wales that it became a regular trip, soon to be every day.  Time passed, many of the men and women didn't bother to see it off any more, but the little boys always remained.  Shortly after the first few journeys, the racks along the sides of the Red Dragon, were removed.  This was because of the great tunnel, just before the Dragon had it's Bath visit, where the racks kept catching on the sides, pitching some of the boxes from them [which is how the tunnel got it's nick-name - honest].  Initialy, the rack on the left was removed and the first little boy to notice was a young Welsh lad, who shouted to all the others, "Look you, all, there's nooo rrrack on this side, bach!"  People laughed at the boy's shout, as it took them a while to see what he had.  The little incident was remembered by everyone and the shout soon became the "heads-up" for the mighty Red Dragon.  Shortly after, the rack on the opposite side was removed, as it had damaged a coach on a train, passing it in a station.  There were, of course steam trains on the lines as well as the Red Dragon, but nothing was quite so special as the amazing Red Dragon steaming mobile statue.  Whenever it approached, the first to notice would shout, just like that first little boy "Look you all, a no rack coming!!" and all would remember and know what was approaching.  The little boys' regular call of "A no rack!!" earned them the self-same shout as a nick-name for them. [See, it wasn't the little coats, after all]   Well, what happened to the racks, you might ask?  They were stored on one of the platforms at Paddington and if you look closely next time you pass through, there may just be one on a platform...  just maybe...

As for the real, dead, Red Dragon, well it couldn't lie there and rot, the smell would have been deadly.  Ever, with the eye for a vote, the Mayor suggested cutting it up, grinding it down, stuffing it into sausages, to be cooked and given to the City's orphanages, workhouses and asylums...  and so it came to pass.   It was so widely celebrated for it's generosity that Dickens even referred to it in the opening line in one of his novels.....   "It was the beast of Thames, it was the wurst of Thames."

 

[Tankerman]

1 hour ago, jcredfer said:

Once upon a time, there was a Red Dragon which lived on the river Thames in London.  When the Red Dragon got tired it used to go to it's cave by Waterloo Station, which is now a Horror Museum, on the south bank of the Thames.  I know that because I've been there with my wife and young daughter.  Even got a picture posed with them standing laughing, as I had my head and hands through the holes in some Stocks provided for photo-ops.  I got my own back, as it only took 3 days for a sympathetic visitor to free me from them.  Anyway, the Red Dragon used to get its fire restored by leaping out at the passing wooden ferries and devouring them for fuel.  It also ate the passengers and crew, as being more tasty, to finish the meal.  The Mayor of London and the King tried all sorts of ways to rid the Thames of the menace, but each attempt ended in being a mere snack for the beast, some with crinkly armour toppings.

Eventually the Mayor and King gathered a group of the nation's finest Knights, who were provided with specially woven insulting woollen clothing for under their armoured suits.  Some hid in Waterloo Station, some approached, concealed in ferries and the remainder either side along the Embankment, on their sturdy Chargers.  The Mayor was on the far side of the river, keeping warm from the Hot Air Factory - still there and fully active [I nearly said "fully functioning" - silly me!}.  He held a white Gauntlet high above his head and as it dropped to the ground all the Knights charged at the Red Dragon's cave.....

The Dragon had been sleeping off the latest Ferry, but not for long, he roared and belched fire, slashing at the Knights with razor sharp claws.  Many a Knight died in the attempt, but there were so many of them, they eventually overcame the Red Dragon and it lay on the Embankment..... still.  The first thoughts were massive celebrations now the threat had been lifted from the people of London, food of all sorts was provided on huge plates-full and the drink flowed freely.  It occurred to the Mayor that such an event must be celebrated with a suitable memorial and the King thought it would be a great idea.  "Hey, what about a long statue, hollowed out with a fire inside, just like the Red Dragon had??"  "Great idea, we could have a water container inside which would belch steam out of the front, so much more environmentally friendly than smoke!" yelled the Mayor, ever aware of the next elections looming close.  "We could make it like a giant kettle, so the steam rushes out of several spouts!" said the King thoughtfully - clever!

Well, before many months passed, the Mayor had the great idea that it should be shown around the country, ever up for a money spinner, when he saw one.  So, they put a set of mighty steel wheels under it and great racks along the sides, to keep the Presenter's kit in.  Off it went, with it's shiny new paint, headed, first, to Wales, which was considered very appropriate for a Dragon to be heading - as anyone who has experienced a Welsh mother-in-law can confirm!!  And so it came to pass, and it was housed in it's new home across at Paddington, as there was no more room near to Waterloo and they could use the railway lines to move it.  Men, women and boys flocked to see the monster leave.  Traders plied Tea, Sandwiches and Sausage rolls, the money flowed like water.  The journey was so well liked in Wales that it became a regular trip, soon to be every day.  Time passed, many of the men and women didn't bother to see it off any more, but the little boys always remained.  Shortly after the first few journeys, the racks along the sides of the Red Dragon, were removed.  This was because of the great tunnel, just before the Dragon had it's Bath visit, where the racks kept catching on the sides, pitching some of the boxes from them [which is how the tunnel got it's nick-name - honest].  Initialy, the rack on the left was removed and the first little boy to notice was a young Welsh lad, who shouted to all the others, "Look you, all, there's nooo rrrack on this side, bach!"  People laughed at the boy's shout, as it took them a while to see what he had.  The little incident was remembered by everyone and the shout soon became the "heads-up" for the mighty Red Dragon.  Shortly after, the rack on the opposite side was removed, as it had damaged a coach on a train, passing it in a station.  There were, of course steam trains on the lines as well as the Red Dragon, but nothing was quite so special as the amazing Red Dragon steaming mobile statue.  Whenever it approached, the first to notice would shout, just like that first little boy "Look you all, a no rack coming!!" and all would remember and know what was approaching.  The little boys' regular call of "A no rack!!" earned them the self-same shout as a nick-name for them. [See, it wasn't the little coats, after all]   Well, what happened to the racks, you might ask?  They were stored on one of the platforms at Paddington and if you look closely next time you pass through, there may just be one on a platform...  just maybe...

As for the real, dead, Red Dragon, well it couldn't lie there and rot, the smell would have been deadly.  Ever, with the eye for a vote, the Mayor suggested cutting it up, grinding it down, stuffing it into sausages, to be cooked and given to the City's orphanages, workhouses and asylums...  and so it came to pass.   It was so widely celebrated for it's generosity that Dickens even referred to it in the opening line in one of his novels.....   "It was the beast of Thames, it was the wurst of Thames."

 

 

Quote - The little boys' regular call of "A no rack!!" earned them the self-same shout as a nick-name for them. [See, it wasn't the little coats, after all]  

 

But it was the little coats that gave rise to their nickname of Gangy's in the 1980's

 

Green Anorack, No Girlfriend Yet

[leopardml2341]

[jcredfer]

1 hour ago, Tankerman said:

 

Quote - The little boys' regular call of "A no rack!!" earned them the self-same shout as a nick-name for them. [See, it wasn't the little coats, after all]  

 

But it was the little coats that gave rise to their nickname of Gangy's in the 1980's

 

Green Anorack, No Girlfriend Yet

 

I believe 'twas thus, serving to illustrate how our rich language develops, without an Anorak there would have been no Gangys.  Remember how what used to be merry, happy, singing and laughing, apparently then turned into a person who likes a relationship with a person of the same sex, which in turn became an insult to a person who might otherwise described as very seriously mentally challenged.

 

I love the English Language, I would just like to be able to understand it.    

 

J

 

[PhilJ W]

[KeithMacdonald]

New BLM logo

 

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[Steamport Southport]

15 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

 

[F-UnitMad]

6 hours ago, jcredfer said:

Once upon a time, there was a Red Dragon which lived on the river Thames in London. 

 

.........( yaddayaddayadda times umpty-nine million)

 

Dickens even referred to it in the opening line in one of his novels.....   "It was the beast of Thames, it was the wurst of Thames."

 

Someone is well on their way to doubling the population of my "Ignored Users" list....    

[PhilJ W]

[PenrithBeacon]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[CameronL]

[PenrithBeacon]

[KeithMacdonald]

I'm biding my time tonight ...

 

[TEAMYAKIMA]

Hello everyone

 

Sorry, don't have any jokes - and that's why I posting.

 

We are about to start a new LOCKDOWN magazine for Twickenham & District MRC and we want a BACK PAGE of cartoons and jokes - and so I thought I'd start looking here.

 

I've never looked at this thread before - 527 pages of jokes!!!

 

I've waded through about 10 pages so far and not really found what I'm looking for and so rather than try and read all 517 more pages I thought I would try a direct approach.

 

The thing is that I'm primarily looking for railway themed jokes/cartoons and in the first 10 pages I only found one. The one about people who model monorails being single minded

 

Could I request that if anyone reading this has any RAILWAY (or model railway) themed cartoons or jokes that they send them to me as a PM (assuming that they have already appeared in the last 517 pages of this thread) or, of course, if they haven't appeared here yet - let's see them here please.

 

Many thanks

 

Paul

[Dave47549]

26 minutes ago, TEAMYAKIMA said:

I've never looked at this thread before - 527 pages of jokes!!!

 

 

 - but only about a page worth of original jokes