The Forum Jokes Thread

[luckymucklebackit]

3 hours ago, Ruffnut Thorston said:

Concorde....

 

Does it get you drunk at twice the speed of sound?

 

 

 

 

The Lanarkshire  champagne - pour into a Soda Stream and serve,  total inebriation 100% guaranteed!

[PhilJ W]

[jcredfer]

1 hour ago, PhilJ W said:

 

On a railway modeller's Forum, too.....

 

Julian

 

[jcredfer]

Long, long ago, far up in the Welsh hills, lived a thriving village living off the produce from Sheep and hardy Welsh cattle.  Not so far away, just over the top of the rocky ridge, which ran above their riverside community, there was a rocky outcrop, in which was a small entrance to some caves.  Being Wales, these caves were claimed as home by a fierce green Dragon and no-one durst venture to try the many tunnels to deal with the menace in such uncharted and confined spaces.  In the open, this fearsome beast was completely at the advantage, his huge wings wafted him high away from spears and arrows, from whence he would swoop down, at lightening speed, to thrust it's massive claws into an unsuspecting lamb.  It would pull a steep turn to whoosh down the valley, then lift gracefully up towards the top of the ridge, where it would devour the unlucky victim.

In truth, this wasn't completely intolerable, a Dragon with it's hunger satisfied with the odd whole lamb, was not going to be too much of a nuisance.  After all, why should it risk losing some of it's magnificent gleaming scales, with an already full stomach, just to get something just a bit bigger.  However.....

.....  there was - just one - little snag!

He was very partial to 21 year old maiden ladies {ofttimes known as a Welsh rare-bit}, they suited his taste buds perfectly and filled the stomach to somnolent perfection, particularly when they were lightly toasted with a dose of Dragon breath.  Being lazy and very fond of his gleaming scales, the Dragon did compromise to limit the consumption of such perfect confectionary, to one per year.....   provided, only that, the suitably qualified meal was adequately pre-prepared and presented bound to a stake and ready for Dragon roasting, with absolutely none of that awful woollen covering stuff!.....  Ughh!!

It was roundly agreed that the situation was less than satisfactory, many of whom said it was ridiculous that the beast hadn't been dealt with years ago.  Conversations, on the subject of the beast being dealt with, drifted into stories of past attempts by hired Knights, who had been less than successful, in dealing with the creature and ended up with their armour proving to be perfect roasting tins.  Whatever the point of view, there was complete agreement that the situation was absolutely - ridiculous! - and there must be someone who could provide a solution.  What really irked was the arrogance of the Dragon, contracting to just one maiden per year, in exchange for being left to take it's pick of the lambs for the remainder of the year, frankly, viewed by many as being another ridiculous situation.....  to the stage where the annual event was referred to {by some} as "time approaches for the Ridiculous" and so it became known, accompanied by sad faces and mournful expressions. "Ridiculous" time.....

Iain was completely enraged!!  He had been best mates with his sister for 20 years, played together, learned to ride bikes, Skates, Skied in the Brecon's, sheared sheep and occasionally had a few too many ciders in the local bar.  NO!!  Its NOT going to be my sister this year, its ridiculous, she is a mainstay of our way of life.!!!  She is young, pure, a light in the village and example to all our children.....  

.....  "Perfect!!" Hissed the Dragon from the cliffs on high.  The villagers, shrank back, whispering, "Its him, the Ridiculous".  "I WON"T HAVE IT!!" shouted Iain, He would find a Knight to save his sister and kill the Dragon.

The due day approached, the maid had been qualified and certified as virgin, prepared and secured to the stake - sans covering.  Iain had found a Knight, courageous and willing to face the Ridiculous, who was concealed behind a bush, close-by.  He didn't look much the part, but claimed excellent results...  despite his armour bearing more weathering than an Austerity 2-8-0 wartime retired specimen further weathered by Jaz.  All waited, at a distance, concealed and dismayed at the impending event.  As they watched, the Dragon flew high over the ridge and inspected the scene, noting the rusty knight heaped behind the bush and ratcheted up the roast level for his breath.  Time to go...  the Dragon rolled over, swept his wings back and plunged downwards.   The knight tensed the elastic on his catapult with the smooth motion of a professional and took careful aim.  Un-noticed, the virgin victim slipped her, lamb fat greased wrists from the bonding rope, eased her ankles from the loosened bonds.....  and waited.....

The Dragon aimed for the Knight, the Knight mirrored his every turn and twist, waiting for the right moment to strike.  The virgin victim watched, with little hope.  Despite the weathering on the tin plate, the Knight had a little more skill than his appearance, to the shock of the Dragon.  The Dragon had plunged low to fry the Night snack, but the round-out was too close and gave the opportunity for the Knight to release a gobstopper at it's head, striking it's eye, so as to cause the Dragon to hit the ground.  The maiden seized her moment and leapt at the Dragon's neck, reasoning that being so close behind the jaws she would be less vulnerable to the range of their bite.  The angry Dragon soared into the air above the valley, as the virgin realised that from her grasp on the Dragon's neck, she could bite that vulnerable area just behind the lobe of the ear.  The Dragon roared in pain and turned and twisted to shake the virgin off, but she clung on and bit a huge chunk of his ear, clean off, then dug her teeth into the nape of the Dragon's neck, with the strength of panic, that sunk down to it's vertebrae.  The Dragon flung itself around the sky, in vain, but the virgin wouldn't let go, she chewed a lump, then spat it out, then chewed another chunk to spit that out, too.  Consumed with pain, and the teeth digging further into the Spinal Chord, the Dragon plunged to it's death onto the valley floor.

Down at ground level the `knight turned to Iain and said, "That's unbelievable, I can't believe what I'm seeing !"  Iain smiled knowingly and replied "I agree, that's Vergin' on the Ridiculous".
 

Julian

 

[F-UnitMad]

@jcredfer I want my time back.....     

[pH]

You’re going for the “Most ‘groans’ on a post” award, aren’t you?

[The Johnster]

9 hours ago, petethemole said:

Thunderbird!

s are go!

 

2 hours ago, jcredfer said:

Long, long ago, far up in the Welsh hills, lived a thriving village living off the produce from Sheep and hardy Welsh cattle.  Not so far away, just over the top of the rocky ridge, which ran above their riverside community, there was a rocky outcrop, in which was a small entrance to some caves.  Being Wales, these caves were claimed as home by a fierce green Dragon and no-one durst venture to try the many tunnels to deal with the menace in such uncharted and confined spaces.  In the open, this fearsome beast was completely at the advantage, his huge wings wafted him high away from spears and arrows, from whence he would swoop down, at lightening speed, to thrust it's massive claws into an unsuspecting lamb.  It would pull a steep turn to whoosh down the valley, then lift gracefully up towards the top of the ridge, where it would devour the unlucky victim.

In truth, this wasn't completely intolerable, a Dragon with it's hunger satisfied with the odd whole lamb, was not going to be too much of a nuisance.  After all, why should it risk losing some of it's magnificent gleaming scales, with an already full stomach, just to get something just a bit bigger.  However.....

.....  there was - just one - little snag!

He was very partial to 21 year old maiden ladies {ofttimes known as a Welsh rare-bit}, they suited his taste buds perfectly and filled the stomach to somnolent perfection, particularly when they were lightly toasted with a dose of Dragon breath.  Being lazy and very fond of his gleaming scales, the Dragon did compromise to limit the consumption of such perfect confectionary, to one per year.....   provided, only that, the suitably qualified meal was adequately pre-prepared and presented bound to a stake and ready for Dragon roasting, with absolutely none of that awful woollen covering stuff!.....  Ughh!!

It was roundly agreed that the situation was less than satisfactory, many of whom said it was ridiculous that the beast hadn't been dealt with years ago.  Conversations, on the subject of the beast being dealt with, drifted into stories of past attempts by hired Knights, who had been less than successful, in dealing with the creature and ended up with their armour proving to be perfect roasting tins.  Whatever the point of view, there was complete agreement that the situation was absolutely - ridiculous! - and there must be someone who could provide a solution.  What really irked was the arrogance of the Dragon, contracting to just one maiden per year, in exchange for being left to take it's pick of the lambs for the remainder of the year, frankly, viewed by many as being another ridiculous situation.....  to the stage where the annual event was referred to {by some} as "time approaches for the Ridiculous" and so it became known, accompanied by sad faces and mournful expressions. "Ridiculous" time.....

Iain was completely enraged!!  He had been best mates with his sister for 20 years, played together, learned to ride bikes, Skates, Skied in the Brecon's, sheared sheep and occasionally had a few too many ciders in the local bar.  NO!!  Its NOT going to be my sister this year, its ridiculous, she is a mainstay of our way of life.!!!  She is young, pure, a light in the village and example to all our children.....  

.....  "Perfect!!" Hissed the Dragon from the cliffs on high.  The villagers, shrank back, whispering, "Its him, the Ridiculous".  "I WON"T HAVE IT!!" shouted Iain, He would find a Knight to save his sister and kill the Dragon.

The due day approached, the maid had been qualified and certified as virgin, prepared and secured to the stake - sans covering.  Iain had found a Knight, courageous and willing to face the Ridiculous, who was concealed behind a bush, close-by.  He didn't look much the part, but claimed excellent results...  despite his armour bearing more weathering than an Austerity 2-8-0 wartime retired specimen further weathered by Jaz.  All waited, at a distance, concealed and dismayed at the impending event.  As they watched, the Dragon flew high over the ridge and inspected the scene, noting the rusty knight heaped behind the bush and ratcheted up the roast level for his breath.  Time to go...  the Dragon rolled over, swept his wings back and plunged downwards.   The knight tensed the elastic on his catapult with the smooth motion of a professional and took careful aim.  Un-noticed, the virgin victim slipped her, lamb fat greased wrists from the bonding rope, eased her ankles from the loosened bonds.....  and waited.....

The Dragon aimed for the Knight, the Knight mirrored his every turn and twist, waiting for the right moment to strike.  The virgin victim watched, with little hope.  Despite the weathering on the tin plate, the Knight had a little more skill than his appearance, to the shock of the Dragon.  The Dragon had plunged low to fry the Night snack, but the round-out was too close and gave the opportunity for the Knight to release a gobstopper at it's head, striking it's eye, so as to cause the Dragon to hit the ground.  The maiden seized her moment and leapt at the Dragon's neck, reasoning that being so close behind the jaws she would be less vulnerable to the range of their bite.  The angry Dragon soared into the air above the valley, as the virgin realised that from her grasp on the Dragon's neck, she could bite that vulnerable area just behind the lobe of the ear.  The Dragon roared in pain and turned and twisted to shake the virgin off, but she clung on and bit a huge chunk of his ear, clean off, then dug her teeth into the nape of the Dragon's neck, with the strength of panic, that sunk down to it's vertebrae.  The Dragon flung itself around the sky, in vain, but the virgin wouldn't let go, she chewed a lump, then spat it out, then chewed another chunk to spit that out, too.  Consumed with pain, and the teeth digging further into the Spinal Chord, the Dragon plunged to it's death onto the valley floor.

Down at ground level the `knight turned to Iain and said, "That's unbelievable, I can't believe what I'm seeing !"  Iain smiled knowingly and replied "I agree, that's Vergin' on the Ridiculous".
 

Julian

 

For some reason, I felt it neccessary to read that to myself in complete silience, in my head, but using the voice of Jones the Steam, Ivor the Engine's driver,

[newbryford]

It didn't take long.

 

[jcredfer]

This is true...  whilst a solo student pilot landed a Jet at RAF Elvington, a large rabbit ran across the Runway and, sadly, was struck by the lowered Flap, on the Starboard side.

The subsequent Board of Enquiry came to the conclusion that:-
1. The damage was limited to a Hair line crack, in the flap edge.
2. It was fortunate that the incident was not a mid-hare collision.
3. The incident was a Hairy moment for the student pilot.
4. The approaching aircraft seems to have put the Hare into a bit of a Flap.
5. The pilot would have preferred to be travelling slowly enough to be able to steer clear of the animal.

There were, many, other conclusions of similar nature, the above are just a few actual ones.....   some of the others may occur to you, too.

Julian

 

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[jcredfer]

Salisbury is a lovely place to live, as the inhabitants are very caring about their surroundings, when the Guildhall exterior was being restored they covered the scaffolding in a canvas - painted with a picture of the very same Guildhall. {they actually did!!}  Not only that, but the number 288 is banned from the whole city, it's apparently too gross.

 

Whilst I was teaching the less mathematically inclined classes, many of them found that negative numbers were really difficult and would stop at nothing to avoid them.


Julian

 

[F-UnitMad]

I think we have our RMweb Groan Champion already....

[ikks]

18 hours ago, jcredfer said:

Long, long ago, far up in the Welsh hills, lived a thriving village living off the produce from Sheep and hardy Welsh cattle.  Not so far away, just over the top of the rocky ridge, which ran above their riverside community, there was a rocky outcrop, in which was a small entrance to some caves.  Being Wales, these caves were claimed as home by a fierce green Dragon and no-one durst venture to try the many tunnels to deal with the menace in such uncharted and confined spaces.  In the open, this fearsome beast was completely at the advantage, his huge wings wafted him high away from spears and arrows, from whence he would swoop down, at lightening speed, to thrust it's massive claws into an unsuspecting lamb.  It would pull a steep turn to whoosh down the valley, then lift gracefully up towards the top of the ridge, where it would devour the unlucky victim.

In truth, this wasn't completely intolerable, a Dragon with it's hunger satisfied with the odd whole lamb, was not going to be too much of a nuisance.  After all, why should it risk losing some of it's magnificent gleaming scales, with an already full stomach, just to get something just a bit bigger.  However.....

.....  there was - just one - little snag!

He was very partial to 21 year old maiden ladies {ofttimes known as a Welsh rare-bit}, they suited his taste buds perfectly and filled the stomach to somnolent perfection, particularly when they were lightly toasted with a dose of Dragon breath.  Being lazy and very fond of his gleaming scales, the Dragon did compromise to limit the consumption of such perfect confectionary, to one per year.....   provided, only that, the suitably qualified meal was adequately pre-prepared and presented bound to a stake and ready for Dragon roasting, with absolutely none of that awful woollen covering stuff!.....  Ughh!!

It was roundly agreed that the situation was less than satisfactory, many of whom said it was ridiculous that the beast hadn't been dealt with years ago.  Conversations, on the subject of the beast being dealt with, drifted into stories of past attempts by hired Knights, who had been less than successful, in dealing with the creature and ended up with their armour proving to be perfect roasting tins.  Whatever the point of view, there was complete agreement that the situation was absolutely - ridiculous! - and there must be someone who could provide a solution.  What really irked was the arrogance of the Dragon, contracting to just one maiden per year, in exchange for being left to take it's pick of the lambs for the remainder of the year, frankly, viewed by many as being another ridiculous situation.....  to the stage where the annual event was referred to {by some} as "time approaches for the Ridiculous" and so it became known, accompanied by sad faces and mournful expressions. "Ridiculous" time.....

Iain was completely enraged!!  He had been best mates with his sister for 20 years, played together, learned to ride bikes, Skates, Skied in the Brecon's, sheared sheep and occasionally had a few too many ciders in the local bar.  NO!!  Its NOT going to be my sister this year, its ridiculous, she is a mainstay of our way of life.!!!  She is young, pure, a light in the village and example to all our children.....  

.....  "Perfect!!" Hissed the Dragon from the cliffs on high.  The villagers, shrank back, whispering, "Its him, the Ridiculous".  "I WON"T HAVE IT!!" shouted Iain, He would find a Knight to save his sister and kill the Dragon.

The due day approached, the maid had been qualified and certified as virgin, prepared and secured to the stake - sans covering.  Iain had found a Knight, courageous and willing to face the Ridiculous, who was concealed behind a bush, close-by.  He didn't look much the part, but claimed excellent results...  despite his armour bearing more weathering than an Austerity 2-8-0 wartime retired specimen further weathered by Jaz.  All waited, at a distance, concealed and dismayed at the impending event.  As they watched, the Dragon flew high over the ridge and inspected the scene, noting the rusty knight heaped behind the bush and ratcheted up the roast level for his breath.  Time to go...  the Dragon rolled over, swept his wings back and plunged downwards.   The knight tensed the elastic on his catapult with the smooth motion of a professional and took careful aim.  Un-noticed, the virgin victim slipped her, lamb fat greased wrists from the bonding rope, eased her ankles from the loosened bonds.....  and waited.....

The Dragon aimed for the Knight, the Knight mirrored his every turn and twist, waiting for the right moment to strike.  The virgin victim watched, with little hope.  Despite the weathering on the tin plate, the Knight had a little more skill than his appearance, to the shock of the Dragon.  The Dragon had plunged low to fry the Night snack, but the round-out was too close and gave the opportunity for the Knight to release a gobstopper at it's head, striking it's eye, so as to cause the Dragon to hit the ground.  The maiden seized her moment and leapt at the Dragon's neck, reasoning that being so close behind the jaws she would be less vulnerable to the range of their bite.  The angry Dragon soared into the air above the valley, as the virgin realised that from her grasp on the Dragon's neck, she could bite that vulnerable area just behind the lobe of the ear.  The Dragon roared in pain and turned and twisted to shake the virgin off, but she clung on and bit a huge chunk of his ear, clean off, then dug her teeth into the nape of the Dragon's neck, with the strength of panic, that sunk down to it's vertebrae.  The Dragon flung itself around the sky, in vain, but the virgin wouldn't let go, she chewed a lump, then spat it out, then chewed another chunk to spit that out, too.  Consumed with pain, and the teeth digging further into the Spinal Chord, the Dragon plunged to it's death onto the valley floor.

Down at ground level the `knight turned to Iain and said, "That's unbelievable, I can't believe what I'm seeing !"  Iain smiled knowingly and replied "I agree, that's Vergin' on the Ridiculous".
 

Julian

 

Brilliant!!!

[jcredfer]

7 minutes ago, ikks said:

Brilliant!!!

 

I have to confess that the original was one of Frank Muir's, more than some 60 years ago  -  and he was far better at dressing it up, en-route.  

 

Julian

 

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[jbqfc]

Finally!

It’s taken almost 4 years, admittedly taken at my own pace, and strangely made easier by having to stay at home for much of the last few months.

It’s immensely satisfying as I had to dedicate many hours of study and revision.

There isn’t even a recognised award for the subject, though in my opinion it’s easily the equivalent of a PhD or perhaps even a Masters’. But it’s far more about personal achievement, and all the sacrifices I and my family have had to make have been vindicated.

I can proudly say that now...

I can change the clock on the oven!

[peanuts]

11 hours ago, jcredfer said:

Salisbury is a lovely place to live, as the inhabitants are very caring about their surroundings, when the Guildhall exterior was being restored they covered the scaffolding in a canvas - painted with a picture of the very same Guildhall. {they actually did!!}  Not only that, but the number 288 is banned from the whole city, it's apparently too gross.

 

Whilst I was teaching the less mathematically inclined classes, many of them found that negative numbers were really difficult and would stop at nothing to avoid them.


Julian

 

they have done exactley the same on the old london road firestation opposite Piccadily station in manchester whilst it undergoes its transformation into yet more apartments