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The Forum Jokes Thread

Colin_McLeod

By Colin_McLeod,
in Wheeltappers

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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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CameronL

CameronL

Posted
Posted (edited)

Just spotted this sign outside our local butcher.

 

 

IMG_20200928_094348_031.jpg.34c1da99224caf6ec47e9993bcc96627.jpg

 

Is that really the kind of information you need to make an informed purchasing decision? I suppose it kept the cows happy, but by the time the beast's ready for the butcher's window it's a bit immaterial.

Edited by CameronL
Changed a bit.
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CameronL

CameronL

Posted
Posted

There was a rural pub, out in the middle of nowhere, but very well-frequented. As it was so remote everybody who went there drove, and the local traffic policeman had a habit of parking just across the  street from the car park, so he could follow and breathalyse anyone who came out of the pub looking like they’d had a few.

 

One night, just before closing, a man came out of the pub. He staggered down the steps at the front, clutching the handrail with both hands and nearly falling. At the bottom he weaved unsteadily to a car, slipped and fell across the bonnet. Righting himself, he fumbled in his pockets for his car keys, and after a long search, found them and promptly dropped them on the floor. With the doors unlocked he almost fell into the driving seat and, following several failed attempts, managed to put his seatbelt on. By this time the traffic policeman was sure he was onto a collar for driving under the influence.

 

The car started, drove out of the car park and down the road with the policeman following. He was surprised to see that the car was being perfectly driven: all speed limits observed, all junctions handled accordingly. After several miles of this the policeman was really puzzled – the man had seemed well over the limit in the car park.

 

Then, further on at a T-junction the car turned left without indicating. The driver had made a mistake so the policeman could stop him. He put the blues on and pulled him over.

 

He explained that he’d stopped the man for failure to indicate at a T-junction and asked him to provide a breath test.

 

Which proved negative. The man was totally sober. Doing him for a fail to indicate wasn’t worth the paperwork. “OK, sir,” the policeman grudgingly said. “You’re free to go. I must say that apart from that one lack of an indicator your driving was absolutely perfect.”

 

“Thank you, officer,” the man replied. “That’s good to know. I need to drive well for my job.”

 

“And what job might that be?”

 

The man smiled and said “I’m a professional decoy.”

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Baby Deltic

Baby Deltic

Posted
Posted
21 hours ago, CameronL said:

There was a rural pub, out in the middle of nowhere, but very well-frequented. As it was so remote everybody who went there drove, and the local traffic policeman had a habit of parking just across the  street from the car park, so he could follow and breathalyse anyone who came out of the pub looking like they’d had a few.

 

One night, just before closing, a man came out of the pub. He staggered down the steps at the front, clutching the handrail with both hands and nearly falling. At the bottom he weaved unsteadily to a car, slipped and fell across the bonnet. Righting himself, he fumbled in his pockets for his car keys, and after a long search, found them and promptly dropped them on the floor. With the doors unlocked he almost fell into the driving seat and, following several failed attempts, managed to put his seatbelt on. By this time the traffic policeman was sure he was onto a collar for driving under the influence.

 

The car started, drove out of the car park and down the road with the policeman following. He was surprised to see that the car was being perfectly driven: all speed limits observed, all junctions handled accordingly. After several miles of this the policeman was really puzzled – the man had seemed well over the limit in the car park.

 

Then, further on at a T-junction the car turned left without indicating. The driver had made a mistake so the policeman could stop him. He put the blues on and pulled him over.

 

He explained that he’d stopped the man for failure to indicate at a T-junction and asked him to provide a breath test.

 

Which proved negative. The man was totally sober. Doing him for a fail to indicate wasn’t worth the paperwork. “OK, sir,” the policeman grudgingly said. “You’re free to go. I must say that apart from that one lack of an indicator your driving was absolutely perfect.”

 

“Thank you, officer,” the man replied. “That’s good to know. I need to drive well for my job.”

 

“And what job might that be?”

 

The man smiled and said “I’m a professional decoy.”

This begs the question though, that if  someone truly did that would they be arrested for perverting the course of justice?

 

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grahame

grahame

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

Wasting police time.

 

I'd have thought the police were wasting their own time by staking out and following the wrong suspect. They might have a hard job proving that the driver was deliberately aiding and abetting other crimes to be committed (other drunk drivers) had he not admitted to being a decoy.

 

Nonetheless, it was an amusing tall story.

 

 

 

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luckymucklebackit

luckymucklebackit

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, Baby Deltic said:

This begs the question though, that if  someone truly did that would they be arrested for perverting the course of justice?

 

 

This yarn has been doing the rounds for a long time, think we can class it as a Rural Myth, although I bet some have thought about it.  Come to think of it, if it really was a rural pub, out in the middle of nowhere, chances are the local Bobby would have been propping up the bar with the rest of them!

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