RMweb Premium J. S. Bach Posted September 27, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 27, 2020 On 25/09/2020 at 09:49, Steamport Southport said: What did zero say to eight? Nice belt. It's a visual joke It just now registered! 2 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 (edited) Just spotted this sign outside our local butcher. Is that really the kind of information you need to make an informed purchasing decision? I suppose it kept the cows happy, but by the time the beast's ready for the butcher's window it's a bit immaterial. Edited September 28, 2020 by CameronL Changed a bit. 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baby Deltic Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 1 2 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 There was a rural pub, out in the middle of nowhere, but very well-frequented. As it was so remote everybody who went there drove, and the local traffic policeman had a habit of parking just across the street from the car park, so he could follow and breathalyse anyone who came out of the pub looking like they’d had a few. One night, just before closing, a man came out of the pub. He staggered down the steps at the front, clutching the handrail with both hands and nearly falling. At the bottom he weaved unsteadily to a car, slipped and fell across the bonnet. Righting himself, he fumbled in his pockets for his car keys, and after a long search, found them and promptly dropped them on the floor. With the doors unlocked he almost fell into the driving seat and, following several failed attempts, managed to put his seatbelt on. By this time the traffic policeman was sure he was onto a collar for driving under the influence. The car started, drove out of the car park and down the road with the policeman following. He was surprised to see that the car was being perfectly driven: all speed limits observed, all junctions handled accordingly. After several miles of this the policeman was really puzzled – the man had seemed well over the limit in the car park. Then, further on at a T-junction the car turned left without indicating. The driver had made a mistake so the policeman could stop him. He put the blues on and pulled him over. He explained that he’d stopped the man for failure to indicate at a T-junction and asked him to provide a breath test. Which proved negative. The man was totally sober. Doing him for a fail to indicate wasn’t worth the paperwork. “OK, sir,” the policeman grudgingly said. “You’re free to go. I must say that apart from that one lack of an indicator your driving was absolutely perfect.” “Thank you, officer,” the man replied. “That’s good to know. I need to drive well for my job.” “And what job might that be?” The man smiled and said “I’m a professional decoy.” 4 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baby Deltic Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 2 8 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted September 28, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 28, 2020 2 hours ago, CameronL said: The man smiled and said “I’m a professional decoy.” In other words, there to encourage others to drink drive. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 I phoned up a hotel and the receptionist said hello best western. I said Unforgiven with Clint Eastwood . 1 1 3 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Popular Post PhilJ W Posted September 28, 2020 RMweb Premium Popular Post Share Posted September 28, 2020 2 19 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 He Had one job! 17 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Ramblin Rich Posted September 28, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted September 28, 2020 55 minutes ago, peanuts said: He Had one job! He had one too many! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted September 28, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 28, 2020 Should have gone to Specsavers. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruffnut Thorston Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 .........So, that is how Sheep Dogs are made.... 2 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 Someone please explain this... 1 1 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted September 28, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 28, 2020 4 minutes ago, Steamport Southport said: Someone please explain this... Auditioning for the role of devious pig in the next Shaun the Sheep movie. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium J. S. Bach Posted September 28, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 28, 2020 12 minutes ago, Steamport Southport said: Someone please explain this... Photoshop? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium petethemole Posted September 28, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 28, 2020 I thought it was a Lincolnshire Curlycoat, a breed now extinct, but it's actually a Hungarian Mangalitsa, a similar breed. 2 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 It's a Hungarian pig breed called a Mangalica. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mangalica 1 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baby Deltic Posted September 29, 2020 Share Posted September 29, 2020 1 18 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baby Deltic Posted September 29, 2020 Share Posted September 29, 2020 21 hours ago, CameronL said: There was a rural pub, out in the middle of nowhere, but very well-frequented. As it was so remote everybody who went there drove, and the local traffic policeman had a habit of parking just across the street from the car park, so he could follow and breathalyse anyone who came out of the pub looking like they’d had a few. One night, just before closing, a man came out of the pub. He staggered down the steps at the front, clutching the handrail with both hands and nearly falling. At the bottom he weaved unsteadily to a car, slipped and fell across the bonnet. Righting himself, he fumbled in his pockets for his car keys, and after a long search, found them and promptly dropped them on the floor. With the doors unlocked he almost fell into the driving seat and, following several failed attempts, managed to put his seatbelt on. By this time the traffic policeman was sure he was onto a collar for driving under the influence. The car started, drove out of the car park and down the road with the policeman following. He was surprised to see that the car was being perfectly driven: all speed limits observed, all junctions handled accordingly. After several miles of this the policeman was really puzzled – the man had seemed well over the limit in the car park. Then, further on at a T-junction the car turned left without indicating. The driver had made a mistake so the policeman could stop him. He put the blues on and pulled him over. He explained that he’d stopped the man for failure to indicate at a T-junction and asked him to provide a breath test. Which proved negative. The man was totally sober. Doing him for a fail to indicate wasn’t worth the paperwork. “OK, sir,” the policeman grudgingly said. “You’re free to go. I must say that apart from that one lack of an indicator your driving was absolutely perfect.” “Thank you, officer,” the man replied. “That’s good to know. I need to drive well for my job.” “And what job might that be?” The man smiled and said “I’m a professional decoy.” This begs the question though, that if someone truly did that would they be arrested for perverting the course of justice? 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted September 29, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 29, 2020 26 minutes ago, Baby Deltic said: This begs the question though, that if someone truly did that would they be arrested for perverting the course of justice? Wasting police time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
grahame Posted September 29, 2020 Share Posted September 29, 2020 5 minutes ago, Compound2632 said: Wasting police time. I'd have thought the police were wasting their own time by staking out and following the wrong suspect. They might have a hard job proving that the driver was deliberately aiding and abetting other crimes to be committed (other drunk drivers) had he not admitted to being a decoy. Nonetheless, it was an amusing tall story. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Nick C Posted September 29, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted September 29, 2020 11 hours ago, Steamport Southport said: Someone please explain this... 10 hours ago, Steamport Southport said: It's a Hungarian pig breed called a Mangalica. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mangalica Surely we need more of these - an animal that can produce both sausages and wooly jumpers! 3 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted September 29, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 29, 2020 20 minutes ago, Nick C said: Surely we need more of these - an animal that can produce both sausages and wooly jumpers! Or wooly sausages and skin-tight clothing? 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted September 29, 2020 Share Posted September 29, 2020 5 hours ago, Baby Deltic said: This begs the question though, that if someone truly did that would they be arrested for perverting the course of justice? This yarn has been doing the rounds for a long time, think we can class it as a Rural Myth, although I bet some have thought about it. Come to think of it, if it really was a rural pub, out in the middle of nowhere, chances are the local Bobby would have been propping up the bar with the rest of them! 2 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium iands Posted September 29, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 29, 2020 I seem to recall seeing it in a comedy show sketch many years ago - B&W TV, so early/mid 60s. Might even have been an early Dave Allen. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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