The Forum Jokes Thread

[Hroth]

9 hours ago, PhilJ W said:

You'd have thought that they'd have realised that going "gummy" would have been safer... 

[F-UnitMad]

[Nick C]

14 hours ago, TheSignalEngineer said:

 

A similar incident recently between New Mills and Hayfield. A lad on a motorcycle pulled a wheelie when overtaking a car which was sticking rigidly to the 30mph limit. The driver was the sergeant from the county Road Policing Unit in an unmarked traffic car. 

 

There was a tale many years ago (I can't find any references to it now alas, so it may only be an urban legend) of a similar one on the Isle of Wight - lad on a motorbike confident that the front-facing speed camera on the dual carriageway couldn't read the numberplate on the back of his bike, or identify him through his tinted visor, pulled a wheelie while speeding towards it, adding as a flourish a pair of V-signs as the camera went off. As with yours, the car behind was an unmarked police car...

[Dagworth]

16 hours ago, TheSignalEngineer said:

When I lived in Crewe a long time ago there was a bit we called the Four 'Alls. There was the Town Hall, the Market Hall, the Cheese Hall pub and opposite there was a space where you could chat up ladies of dubious repute.

https://www.google.co.uk/maps/@51.8881607,-2.0801054,3a,30.3y,114.89h,105.94t/data=!3m6!1e1!3m4!1sgJ9F4BkYX9nauwmfVZbSpw!2e0!7i13312!8i6656?hl=en-GB

 

Andi

[KeithMacdonald]

On 16/09/2020 at 08:54, steve1 said:

Where does that monkey come from???

 

steve

 

Hartlepool

[Steamport Southport]

On 17/09/2020 at 23:42, The Johnster said:

6015.  But one King carried two names, 6029, the last, orignally King Stephen and renamed King Edward VIII in 1936s, which accounts for the anomaly.  If you are going to include Philip, who I was under the impression was given the rank of Consort in England while the monarch was Mary, though Mary was a full rank Queen in Spain, then you should include the future Louis VIII of France who was installed legitimately as King of England for a short time in 1216.

 

The GW seems to have only included post Norman Conquest Kings, but there were Saxon KIngs of England, including Edgar, Edward the Confessor, and Harold Godwinstone that could have been brought into service had more locos been required.  And of course there were the Queens, 2 Marys, 2 Elizabeths, and a Victoria.

 

I think you're missing 6028 King George VI previously King Henry II

 

 

 

[Reorte]

I had an egg with no yolk the other day. It was all white.

[The Johnster]

3 hours ago, Nick C said:

 

There was a tale many years ago (I can't find any references to it now alas, so it may only be an urban legend) of a similar one on the Isle of Wight - lad on a motorbike confident that the front-facing speed camera on the dual carriageway couldn't read the numberplate on the back of his bike, or identify him through his tinted visor, pulled a wheelie while speeding towards it, adding as a flourish a pair of V-signs as the camera went off. As with yours, the car behind was an unmarked police car...

Isle of Wight?  Dual Carriageway?  

 

Does remind me of a biker I once met in a rough pub in a village in West Wales who told me that the local police station had just got a new souped up Ford Granada (this was back in the 70s) with the latest gizmo, the bar of emergency lights on the top.  He was looking forward to being caught by it so he could smash the fitting off with the baseball bat he habitually had about his person.  

 

Come to think of it I've been in pub conversations with some scary types in my time!

[BobM]

 

and come to think of it...why do they always 'fire at Will' on a battlefield, what has he ever done..?

Edited September 22, 2020 by BobM

[The Johnster]

If Bill Stickers is innocent, he will proven so by a jury of his peers, but he will be prosecuted nonetheless if the prosecution service think they can get a conviction against him.  I think I first heard this one when I was in primary school, the late 50s; it's good to give the old ones an airing now and then...

 

When a ship is in trouble, why do they always call for that Mandy woman, you know, Mandy Lifeboats.

 

What are occasional tables the rest of the time, are they part time traffic signals?  

[Nick C]

52 minutes ago, The Johnster said:

Isle of Wight?  Dual Carriageway?  

 

Does remind me of a biker I once met in a rough pub in a village in West Wales who told me that the local police station had just got a new souped up Ford Granada (this was back in the 70s) with the latest gizmo, the bar of emergency lights on the top.  He was looking forward to being caught by it so he could smash the fitting off with the baseball bat he habitually had about his person.  

 

Come to think of it I've been in pub conversations with some scary types in my time!

The Isle of Wight dual carriageway almost qualifies for this thread by itself - it's about a mile long!

[simontaylor484]

9 minutes ago, BobM said:

 

and come to think of it...why do they always 'fire at Will' on a battlefield, what has he ever done..?

Somebody did that in Sheffield when i was at uni but it was Bill Posters 

[The Johnster]

3 minutes ago, Nick C said:

The Isle of Wight dual carriageway almost qualifies for this thread by itself - it's about a mile long!

So a holiday in the 1950s is now more like a holiday in the 1960s.  When we went for family hollys to Eire in the 60s, I thought that it was in many ways like going for a holiday in the Middle Ages, great place for a kid on holiday but you wouldn't want to stay there permanently, then when I went back in the 90s thought it was like going for a holiday in the 60s, and it's probably more like the 70s over there now...

[simontaylor484]

Johnster you have had some more questionable drinking buddies than even me. My mum asked me if there were many in one afternoon when i came home blathered 

I reeled of the names

Glass eyed Gary 

Dave the not a jew but had a big nose

Werewolf mark extreme facial hair

And Marjorie the cigar she smoked more than the baldy hamlet man

 

[The Johnster]

I remember bursting out laughing in the middle of an afternoon session in the Foresters, the roughest pub in Canton, spit and sawdust the sawdust was last night's furniture, for no obvious reason.  It was just that it had dawned on me that I was on a table with Victor the thug, who'd recently been released after 3 years over the wall for GBH, Paul the house burglar, and Aran the Pimp (short for Aran the Pimp and Drug Dealer who will cut you if he thinks you are holding out on him, beeatch).  The subject under discussion was what setting you use for your coloureds in your washing machine.

 

Crims need clean shirts too, you know.

 

Another Forester's story concerns the bloke who came in with a massive Uncle Bulgaria soft toy he'd nicked from a charity shop.  He was informed in no uncertain terms that he had to take it back, and promised to do so after his beer, which everyone agreed was fair enough, when (not surprisingly) a police sergeant walked in looking for Uncle Bulgaria.  He had with him a young cadet WPC, who he instructed to arrest the man for the kidnap and unlawful imprisonment of a Womble, to wit Uncle Bulgaria, to the massive amusement of all.

 

There was a barmaid at the Foresters who was a lovely woman but the sort who took no sh*t from anyone, and made a comment about the low morals of one of the regulars one day, and he responded with 'you can shut up, you're the biggest in Canton'.  For a second I thought she was going to deck him, and from the look on his face so did he, but what she actually did was much, much better.  Tossing her head in indignations and summoning up grade A military strength haughtiness, which she was good at, she simply stuck her nose in the air and said 'In Wales', and ignored him for the rest of the day.

[ikks]

Bloody nursery Jonno!!, the Mitre in Allenton Derby was a real pub...all spit no sawdust, one of the regulars when he wasn't barred, was a certain Danny Doherty { I called him sir!!), he bit a blokes ear off in an altercation in the pub car park, same guy chased a bloke probably 2 K's to Osmaston Road railway bridge and hung him over the top and when the police arrived and asked him what he was doing, he said "waiting for a train", true story. a couple of my mates had followed him and were there. His cousin Terry, a much "nicer" bloke worked mainly night shift at Derby Loco and  was a little light fingered, anyway, he apparently decided to take home a set of safety valves to take to the "scrappers" from what, I think was a stanier 5, when he clocked on, on the next shift he was nicely persuaded to bring them back!!. Times were different then, a lot of these bokes had been through WW2, were not particuly well off and sometime when opportunity presented itself.............

Most though, were decent blokes, although, when my parents learned that I frequented the Mitre, they were just a bit concerned, err!! no horrified.............Crims corner it was known as, I have since learned that many people would would never venture near the place. I, though, loved sitting there over a pint or six, listening to the railway/tradesmen relating their tales/experiences,(never of the war though},generally in fairly humorous terms

Mike

 

 

 

 

[Dagworth]

3 hours ago, The Johnster said:

What are occasional tables the rest of the time

 

[leopardml2341]

1 hour ago, ikks said:

Bloody nursery Jonno!!, the Mitre in Allenton Derby was a real pub...

 

 

 

 

The Mitre is no more.....

https://www.derbytelegraph.co.uk/news/derby-news/the-mitre-pub-derby-demolition-4070681

[Tankerman]

On 21/09/2020 at 11:14, F-UnitMad said:

Oh, a BMW driver!! What a surprise!!

 

This is, I understand to be a true story from a few years ago. I don't know if any of these lads were BMW drivers, but as it happened in Essex they could well have been, who got their own back on the police traffic department.

 

Seeing a police speed camera van parked in a lay-by they parked behind it and engaged the crew in conversation by asking how it worked, how accurate it was etc., etc. While they were doing this one of them went around the front of the van and removed the number plate. They then ended the conversation and left.

 

After going back the way they had come they put the police van plate on the front of their car and drove it past the camera van quite a few times at speeds well over the limit. The result being that the automated system in the van sent seventeen speeding tickets to itself.

[Baby Deltic]

[peanuts]

. "OK Fred, Velma, and Daphne. Name one of the Big Five game animals in Africa."

"Rhino."

"I know you do, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

[CameronL]

Here's some more  that could have come fromThe Two Ronnies' "Items of Late News" -

 

"And finally, some trafffic news. A serious road accident has blocked the B3143 near Piddletrenthide in Dorset. A lorry travelling North with a load of strawberries has collided with a Southbound sugar tanker. Both vehicles caught fire. Police say the jam could take several hours to clear. 

 

Meanwhile on the M23 just south of the Pease Pottage services queues are forming after an ice cream van  broke down in the contraflow. Police are asking motorists to avoid the area, or at least have the right money if they stop to buy one.

 

It's good night from me ... and it's good night from me."

[ikks]

10 hours ago, leopardml2341 said:

The Mitre is no more.....

https://www.derbytelegraph.co.uk/news/derby-news/the-mitre-pub-derby-demolition-4070681

My sister mentioned this in one of her emails, reading the above link it indicates that the place was dangerous, well it was always bloody dangerous, especially around closing time most weekends

MIKE

[Nick C]

15 hours ago, Tankerman said:

 

This is, I understand to be a true story from a few years ago. I don't know if any of these lads were BMW drivers, but as it happened in Essex they could well have been, who got their own back on the police traffic department.

 

Seeing a police speed camera van parked in a lay-by they parked behind it and engaged the crew in conversation by asking how it worked, how accurate it was etc., etc. While they were doing this one of them went around the front of the van and removed the number plate. They then ended the conversation and left.

 

After going back the way they had come they put the police van plate on the front of their car and drove it past the camera van quite a few times at speeds well over the limit. The result being that the automated system in the van sent seventeen speeding tickets to itself.

The version of that I heard took place in Australia - but that's not to say it's not happened more than once!

[PhilJ W]

If your easily offended look away now.