The Forum Jokes Thread

[peanuts]

[PhilJ W]

1 hour ago, CameronL said:

Maybe our next king could be the name for a double Fairlie.  On Fairlies each bogie has its own throttle so the engine can be in the situation where both ends are trying to go in opposite directions.

 

A lot of noise and hot air is therefore produced to no good effect .

 

Does this sound familiar?

Several recent prime ministers?

[iands]

29 minutes ago, peanuts said:

Very good and funny. 

[petethemole]

10 hours ago, The Johnster said:

The GW seems to have only included post Norman Conquest Kings, but there were Saxon KIngs of England, including Edgar, Edward the Confessor, and Harold Godwinstone that could have been brought into service had more locos been required. 

Not forgetting Edgar the Atheling, elected as King by the Witenagemot (nobles and bishops) to succeed Harold after his death. They then sold him out to William The Bastard.

[Compound2632]

9 minutes ago, petethemole said:

Not forgetting Edgar the Atheling, elected as King by the Witenagemot (nobles and bishops) to succeed Harold after his death. They then sold him out to William The Bastard.

 

Or indeed kings of the West Saxons, given the company's geographical range.

 

[Two_sugars]

wrong thread.

 

Edited September 18, 2020 by Two_sugars

[F-UnitMad]

12 hours ago, The Johnster said:

The GW seems to have only included post Norman Conquest Kings, but there were Saxon KIngs of England, including Edgar, Edward the Confessor, and Harold Godwinstone that could have been brought into service had more locos been required.  And of course there were the Queens, 2 Marys, 2 Elizabeths, and a Victoria.

Pedant alert :- the second Queen Elizabeth was only crowned several years after the original GWR (builder and owner of King Class locos) ceased to exist*.

 

 

*Extra Pedant Alert:- Did the GWR ever really 'cease to exist', except on paper? The anarchic independant nature of the BR(W) Region is well known, and of course a GWR exists today....

 

[The Johnster]

5 hours ago, CameronL said:

Maybe our next king could be the name for a double Fairlie.  On Fairlies each bogie has its own throttle so the engine can be in the situation where both ends are trying to go in opposite directions.

 

A lot of noise and hot air is therefore produced to no good effect .

 

Does this sound familiar?

Yes, it does.  Didn't Webb make a loco like that...

 

 

[The Johnster]

4 hours ago, peanuts said:

I get the joke, but you should have already had more respect for me...

[The Johnster]

1 hour ago, F-UnitMad said:

Pedant alert :- the second Queen Elizabeth was only crowned several years after the original GWR (builder and owner of King Class locos) ceased to exist*.

 

 

*Extra Pedant Alert:- Did the GWR ever really 'cease to exist', except on paper? The anarchic independant nature of the BR(W) Region is well known, and of course a GWR exists today....

 

Extra extra pedant alert; there was a precedent for renaming Kings to honour the current monarch set  by Stephen's renaming as Edward VIII, admittedly not continued with George VI (prime candidate John if Stephen indicated a policy of renaming Kings viewed as less successful by historians).  You can't really name a King class loco after a Queen, you need a new class.

 

Extra extra extra pedant alert; there was a continuation of previous policy regarding locomotives on all the BIg 4 railways for some time after the date of nationalisation, as by and large the CME departments retained the staff in post.  It was not until the WR resisted the introduction of BR standard locos and asked for more Castles, 2884s, and 5101s as opposed to Britannias, 9Fs, and 3MT prairies that the concept of the 'Great Western Region' took root, though there had been the kerfuffle about the Ivatt 2MT moguls that replaced Dean Goods on the Mid-Wales line*.  The ordering of Hydraulics was widely considered as a continuation of this, but was in fact a rational decision given the power-to-weight ratios desirable for the South Devon banks.

 

 

*if you don't know the story, in 1949 BR upgraded the stock used on the Brecon-Moat Lane services with brand new Hawksworth coaches and Ivatt 2MT moguls.  The loco crews complained to Brecon and Moat Lane shed foremen that the 2MTs did not steam as well as the previous Dean Goods; this on a route with only one significant bank, small loads, and a very easy timetable.  The complaints were passed to division at Croes Newydd, who passed them to Marylebone, who passed them to Derby, responsible for the design.  Derby responded with a letter suggesting that Moat Lane and Brecon would prefer it if the Ivatts had copper capped chimneys, and that the design was a proven success that nobody else had found any fault with, so there...

 

An Ivatt was sent to Swindon for testing, but how could a Victorian goods loco compare to a modern, efficient, proven design like the Ivatt 2MT?   Tests however proved that the steaming rate of the Dean Goods was significantly better than the Ivatt, and the problem was given to Sam Ell, an acknowledged wizard with steaming and exhausts, to sort out.  He rejigged the exhaust and provided a slightly larger diameter chimney, which resulted in the Ivatt being able to haul a 20 coach test train at 60mph on the main line.  

 

Ivatt 2MTs, and their BR 78xxx counterparts, put in good service with happy crews on the Mid Wales route thereafter, and occasionally appeared on the very demanding Brecon-Newport services.  The LMR applied it's own alterations to the draughting; I could not say whether these were as good as the Swindon ones, you would need to speak to someone who worked on both.

[The Johnster]

Just now, The Johnster said:

Extra extra pedant alert; there was a precedent for renaming Kings to honour the current monarch set  by Stephen's renaming as Edward VIII, admittedly not continued with George VI (prime candidate John if Stephen indicated a policy of renaming Kings viewed as less successful by historians).  You can't really name a King class loco after a Queen, you need a new class.

 

Extra extra extra pedant alert; there was a continuation of previous policy regarding locomotives on all the BIg 4 railways for some time after the date of nationalisation, as by and large the CME departments retained the staff in post.  It was not until the WR resisted the introduction of BR standard locos and asked for more Castles, 2884s, and 5101s as opposed to Britannias, 9Fs, and 3MT prairies that the concept of the 'Great Western Region' took root, though there had been the kerfuffle about the Ivatt 2MT moguls that replaced Dean Goods on the Mid-Wales line*.  The ordering of Hydraulics was widely considered as a continuation of this, but was in fact a rational decision given the power-to-weight ratios desirable for the South Devon banks; a D800 Warship was 2 coaches lighter than a 40 for the same hp.

 

 

*if you don't know the story, in 1949 BR upgraded the stock used on the Brecon-Moat Lane services with brand new Hawksworth coaches and Ivatt 2MT moguls.  The loco crews complained to Brecon and Moat Lane shed foremen that the 2MTs did not steam as well as the previous Dean Goods; this on a route with only one significant bank, small loads, and a very easy timetable.  The complaints were passed to division at Croes Newydd, who passed them to Marylebone, who passed them to Derby, responsible for the design.  Derby responded with a letter suggesting that Moat Lane and Brecon would prefer it if the Ivatts had copper capped chimneys, and that the design was a proven success that nobody else had found any fault with, so there...

 

An Ivatt was sent to Swindon for testing, but how could a Victorian goods loco compare to a modern, efficient, proven design like the Ivatt 2MT?   Tests however proved that the steaming rate of the Dean Goods was significantly better than the Ivatt, and the problem was given to Sam Ell, an acknowledged wizard with steaming and exhausts, to sort out.  He rejigged the exhaust and provided a slightly larger diameter chimney, which resulted in the Ivatt being able to haul a 20 coach test train at 60mph on the main line.  

 

Ivatt 2MTs, and their BR 78xxx counterparts, put in good service with happy crews on the Mid Wales route thereafter, and occasionally appeared on the very demanding Brecon-Newport services.  The LMR applied it's own alterations to the draughting; I could not say whether these were as good as the Swindon ones, you would need to speak to someone who worked on both.

 

[PhilJ W]

To be really pedantic there was a locomotive named after our present monarch. But it was built and named before she became queen, Princess Elizabeth.

[NorthBrit]

I thought this was a Forum Jokes Thread?

[jcredfer]

34 minutes ago, NorthBrit said:

I thought this was a Forum Jokes Thread?

 

Mary had a little lamb,

It's fleece was white as snow,

But where the H*ll it came from,

The doctor didn't know!

 

With best wishes

J

 

[Manxcat]

A travelling salesman gets lost whilst driving in the countryside. It is getting late so when he sees a light in the distance he drives towards it and discovers a farm. He parks the car, knocks on the door of the farmhouse and explains his predicament to the farmer's wife. When he asks if he could pay to stay the night the farmer's wife says he should come in and ask her husband.

 

The farmer listens and says "Of course you can but we only have two bedrooms, one for my wife and me and the other for my beautiful 20 year-old daughter. However, you are welcome to sleep amongst the hay in our barn and we will not even expect any payment."

 

"Hold on" says the salesman, "don't you mean that I can stay in the second bedroom with your lovely daughter?" "Absolutely not" says the farmer, "What sort of father do you think I am?"

 

"OH MY GOD", says the salesman, "I'm in the wrong joke!"

[Hroth]

7 hours ago, The Johnster said:

Yes, it does.  Didn't Webb make a loco like that...

 

A loco like that?  I thought most of Webbs compounds were like that.....

 

54 minutes ago, NorthBrit said:

I thought this was a Forum Jokes Thread?

 

People DO get sidetracked.

Normal service will be resumed.  Just be glad we're not up to the Xmas Cracker season yet...

 

18 minutes ago, jcredfer said:

Mary had a little lamb,

 

And it was always gruntin'

She tied it to a five-bar gate

And XXXXXX XXX XXXXXX XXXX XX!

(I know its after the watershed, but there's always catch-up and repeats to consider...)

 

The best version is:

 

Mary had a little lamb,

With roast potatoes, peas and mint sauce!

 

 

 

 

[petethemole]

Mary had a little lamb

She kept it in a bucket.

Every time the lamb got out,

The bulldog tried to put it back again.

[PhilJ W]

Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon

10,000 volts went up its **** and turned its wool to nylon.

 

Edited September 18, 2020 by PhilJ W

[PhilJ W]

Mary had a skirt that was split right up the sides

every time she wore it the boys could see her thighs

she had another skirt that was split right down the front

but she didn't wear it that often.

[jcredfer]

One day there were two ants, who had developed a habit of taking turns to jump to go out and bring back food for the nest.  It was real fun.  They would approach the food to be collected one step at a time, in turn.  It was ok for bringing back sections of leaf they had cut off, as well, as they took turns to jump each end of their prize work, which was easier than lumping  a whole bit on your own.

 

One day the Queen was watching the supplies arriving through one of the entrance tunnels, when the two ants appeared, stepping each end of a leaf cutting towards the nest.  Woah! she cried, what's going on here?  We are sharing the load of the leaf cutting, they replied, we take each end of the leaf, one jump at a time, which makes it easier to carry.   What!! shouted the Queen, in utter amazement at the inefficiency of what they were doing.  Yes they replied, it is so much easier to take half the weight at one end first and then half the weight at the other end next.....   and so much less tiring.  You blithering idiots!! screamed the Queen, the idea is for each of you to carry the maximum nutrition you can carry, for the benefit of the colony.   Yes, yes we know that, they replied, but stepping out in turns is so much fun and distracts from the drudge of the fodder trail...  and what is more, one step at a time on the way back gives us something else to think about, instead of concentrating on the weight of an individual lump of nutrition.  

 

STOP!! screamed the Queen.  You two have completely lost the reason you are here for.  Your task is to collect leaf segments and carry them back to support the matter in hand, which is supporting the colony.  Instead you are intent on playing step-in-turn and contributing even less to the nest.  NOW GO...  and get back to the matter in hand...  GOT IT!!

 

That might be rather difficult, your Majesty...

 

WHATT!!!!!..............

 

Well, we take one step at a time, all the way...  and we do recognise that it slows the progress...  and has caused a bit of a distraction...   the thing is, that by taking one alternative step at a time, is what we Ped-Ants are compelled to do..... 

 

With apologies to those of delicate disposition.

 

Julian

 

 

 

[Ramblin Rich]

29 minutes ago, jcredfer said:

.....Ped-Ants...

 

 

 

Were they boys or Goyles?

[jcredfer]

15 minutes ago, Ramblin Rich said:

Were they boys or Goyles?

 

I can't be sure they were not Scots...

 

Julian

 

Edited September 18, 2020 by jcredfer

[Dagworth]

17 minutes ago, Ramblin Rich said:

Were they boys or Goyles?

Chuck them in a bowl of water to find out,  only the males are buoyant!

 

Andi

[jcredfer]

21 minutes ago, Dagworth said:

Chuck them in a bowl of water to find out,  only the males are buoyant!

 

Andi

 

But the girls can be very good at Gar - goyling

 

Julian

 

[PhilJ W]