The Forum Jokes Thread

[PenrithBeacon]

[PhilJ W]

https://hassili.com/monkey-leave-card/

[PhilJ W]

https://hassili.com/delayed-confession/

[PhilJ W]

https://hassili.com/desperation-is-the-best-teacher/

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[The Johnster]

I was thinking something along these lines as I went up to the local Spar to pick up my click and collect W4 yesterday.  The sun was shining and I was enjoying the walk, but limping a little from a rheumatic knee and going very slowly.  At the very time I need exercise to keep supple rheumatism prevents me from having it.  I am every day further down the spiral that leads inexorably to senility, decrepitude, and the final, merciful, release of death.  It's being so cheerful as keeps me going you know...

 

My cancer scare earlier this year (prosate) was successfully dealt with by Radiotherapy, bombarding my bits with radioactivity, and has left me impotent and 100% sexually disfunctional, so that aspect of life is over for me (St Augustine of Hippo, an early christian hardliner who you wouldn't have expected it from, wrote that when this happened to him in his dotage it was like being unchained from a lunatic), another paving stone on the downhill path.  Gives me more time and energy for modelling, though.  I've got hair growing out of my nose and my ears, I'm going deaf, my short term memory is rubbish, I'm going deaf my BMI says I'm clinically obese, I have bits that hurt where I never knew I had bits before; the cards are stacking up against me, and I'm going deaf.  The Squeeze, who is Polish and wonderful, doesn't understand this aspect of British culture, that you can be on your last gasp, never to see another sunrise, circling the drain, but will still respond to 'how are you' with 'I'm fine, thank you'.  It is of course never a question, it is a greeting, the same as the Polish 'dzin dobry', which means 'good day', a greeting one would have commonly used here in Victorian times both as a 'hail and well met good fellow' greeting and as an indication that the conversation was at an end 'I will now bid you a good day, sir'.  There is a lot of stuff in English that doesn't mean what it says, and equally doesn't say what it means.

 

Of course, if you are seriously ill and suffering, you might modify the response from 'I'm fine, thanks' to something like 'can't complain, not too bad considering, worse things happen at sea'.  It's part of the stiff upper lip of course, the Birkenhead Drill and all that, we're British, dammit Carruthers.  I have always considered myself among the Stoics, wasting my life hoping that they'll take the hint and things will get better when I should have been making them better myself with a baseball bat, or better still a Kalashnikov.  But the philosophy is suitable for me dotage; have a beer, play with your trains, and when the Grim Reaper knocks on the door, point meaningfully to your watch.  Don't argue with him, he's in a hurry, he's got to be at an experimental traffic junction in 10 minutes...

 

Yours for now,

[Geevor Clayton Loco]

 

I like this bloke's use of a bike chain.

I think he's going to go places.

 

 

 

But he'll have to walk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'coz I stole his bike.

[F-UnitMad]

4 hours ago, The Johnster said:

I've got hair growing out of my nose and my ears, I'm going deaf, my short term memory is rubbish, I'm going deaf my BMI says I'm clinically obese,

Your short term memory problem might be worse than you realise...  

[The Johnster]

And I'm going deaf as well...

[J. S. Bach]

Huh?

[PhilJ W]

Who said that?

[Baby Deltic]

 

 

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

“With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......

"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!

[mezzoman253]

Scientists believe they have found evidence of  life on Venus.

 

No cause for alarm, it's believed to be armless.

Edited September 14, 2020 by mezzoman253

[Binky]

I see the pope is selling some of his old robes on ebay.

 

I was thinking of putting in a bid...

 

But it's Papal only!

[steve1]

steve

[luckymucklebackit]

6 minutes ago, steve1 said:

steve

 

Whats missing is "It was the Chinese that caused the iceberg to calf off and float in that direction"

[F-UnitMad]

Reminds me of this old groan-worthy - 

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

 

Halfway.

 

[The Johnster]

Also, wet.

[steve1]

Where does that monkey come from???

 

steve

[Hroth]

9 hours ago, F-UnitMad said:

Reminds me of this old groan-worthy - 

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

 

Halfway.

 

 

15 minutes ago, steve1 said:

Where does that monkey come from???

 

steve

 

from:

 

The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!

 

A typically whacky Ardmann film.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Pirates!_In_an_Adventure_with_Scientists!

 

 

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

Just had a call from a solicitor. My late uncle has left me some property. I now have to find out where Sod Hall is.

Edited September 16, 2020 by PhilJ W

[PhilJ W]

[chris p bacon]

2 hours ago, steve1 said:

Where does that monkey come from???

 

steve

 

It's 'ba boom tish'