The Forum Jokes Thread

[Geevor Clayton Loco]

INSTRUCTIONS ON FALLING DOWN STAIRS

Step 1

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Step 9

Step 15

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Step 35

Floor

[Geevor Clayton Loco]

I had two dates and pretended to guard one of them.

It was the date-a protection act.

[Baby Deltic]

[Geevor Clayton Loco]

EUROPEAN PIPE SPECIFICATION

EC Directive 21-95-32275-EC-666

1. All pipes are to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic centred around the hole.

2. All pipes must be hollow throughout the entire length of the pipe - do not use holes of a different length to the pipe.

3. The ID (internal diameter) must not exceed the the OD (outside diameter), else the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipes must be supplied empty, so that water, steam etc can be put in at a later date.

5. All pipes over 500ft (150m) in length, should be marked with the words "LONG PIPE" for ease of identification.

6. All pipes over 2 miles (3.20km) long must also be marked with "LONG PIPE" halfway along so the contractor does not have to walk the full length of the pipe to establish whether or not it is a long pipe.

7. All pipes over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have "LARGE PIPE" clearly written on it so the contractor does not mistake it for a small pipe.

8. All pipes must be specified under one of the following categories to prevent accidents:

a) A LEVEL pipe

b) An UPHILL pipe

c) A DOWNHILL pipe

This is to prevent water placed in an incorrect pipe from flowing the wrong way on a slope.

9. There are a large number of so called pipes on the market under the 3mm length threshold. These are classified as "WASHERS", and should be used accordingly.

10a. The joints between pipes carrying water, must be water tight. Those pipes carrying air need only be air tight.

10b. Directional joints should be classed as "LEFTHAND" "RIGHTHAND" "UP" or "DOWN" and clearly labelled as such to prevent the contractor from inadvertently laying the pipes so that they are going the wrong way.

[PhilJ W]

17 minutes ago, Geevor Clayton Loco said:

EUROPEAN PIPE SPECIFICATION

EC Directive 21-95-32275-EC-666

1. All pipes are to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic centred around the hole.

2. All pipes must be hollow throughout the entire length of the pipe - do not use holes of a different length to the pipe.

3. The ID (internal diameter) must not exceed the the OD (outside diameter), else the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipes must be supplied empty, so that water, steam etc can be put in at a later date.

5. All pipes over 500ft (150m) in length, should be marked with the words "LONG PIPE" for ease of identification.

6. All pipes over 2 miles (3.20km) long must also be marked with "LONG PIPE" halfway along so the contractor does not have to walk the full length of the pipe to establish whether or not it is a long pipe.

7. All pipes over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have "LARGE PIPE" clearly written on it so the contractor does not mistake it for a small pipe.

8. All pipes must be specified under one of the following categories to prevent accidents:

a) A LEVEL pipe

b) An UPHILL pipe

c) A DOWNHILL pipe

This is to prevent water placed in an incorrect pipe from flowing the wrong way on a slope.

9. There are a large number of so called pipes on the market under the 3mm length threshold. These are classified as "WASHERS", and should be used accordingly.

10a. The joints between pipes carrying water, must be water tight. Those pipes carrying air need only be air tight.

10b. Directional joints should be classed as "LEFTHAND" "RIGHTHAND" "UP" or "DOWN" and clearly labelled as such to prevent the contractor from inadvertently laying the pipes so that they are going the wrong way.

That is as translated from a two line note by the British civil servants.

[Baby Deltic]

[Steamport Southport]

[Geevor Clayton Loco]

How do you describe a pun you thought of yourself?

Home groan.

[luckymucklebackit]

13 hours ago, Geevor Clayton Loco said:

EUROPEAN PIPE SPECIFICATION

EC Directive 21-95-32275-EC-666

1. All pipes are to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic centred around the hole.

2. All pipes must be hollow throughout the entire length of the pipe - do not use holes of a different length to the pipe.

3. The ID (internal diameter) must not exceed the the OD (outside diameter), else the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipes must be supplied empty, so that water, steam etc can be put in at a later date.

5. All pipes over 500ft (150m) in length, should be marked with the words "LONG PIPE" for ease of identification.

6. All pipes over 2 miles (3.20km) long must also be marked with "LONG PIPE" halfway along so the contractor does not have to walk the full length of the pipe to establish whether or not it is a long pipe.

7. All pipes over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have "LARGE PIPE" clearly written on it so the contractor does not mistake it for a small pipe.

8. All pipes must be specified under one of the following categories to prevent accidents:

a) A LEVEL pipe

b) An UPHILL pipe

c) A DOWNHILL pipe

This is to prevent water placed in an incorrect pipe from flowing the wrong way on a slope.

9. There are a large number of so called pipes on the market under the 3mm length threshold. These are classified as "WASHERS", and should be used accordingly.

10a. The joints between pipes carrying water, must be water tight. Those pipes carrying air need only be air tight.

10b. Directional joints should be classed as "LEFTHAND" "RIGHTHAND" "UP" or "DOWN" and clearly labelled as such to prevent the contractor from inadvertently laying the pipes so that they are going the wrong way.

I worked in a steel tube mill for many years and part of my job was to review customer specifications.  Shell once submitted one for linepipe for the north sea, it specified the OD, Bore and Wall Thickness with a tolerance for each and if you rolled these pipes to the maximum wall thickness allowed, even if you were at maximum OD then you would be out of spec for the Bore.  We always rolled to maximum wall Thickness in order to be able to grind away surface defects and still be in tolerance, so it went back to Shell for alterations

 

Jim

[Legend]

On 01/09/2020 at 21:46, Baby Deltic said:

well that one had be burst out laughing ! Good one 

[Jinty3f]

Onya and Karl married way back in Imperial Russia. Karl went on to become a well known political theorist, whilst Onya is credited with inventing the starting pistol.

[Compound2632]

56 minutes ago, Jinty3f said:

Onya and Karl married way back in Imperial Russia. Karl went on to become a well known political theorist, whilst Onya is credited with inventing the starting pistol.

 

I dare say you're right about Onya but Karl was born in Trier in the Rhineland-Palatinate, at the time part of the Kingdom of Prussia.

[kevinlms]

A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.

The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

 

That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner."

"Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution."

 

The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

 

There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[F-UnitMad]

1 hour ago, kevinlms said:

A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses,........

We definitely need a "posted before" button. Or maybe a "funnier the first time" button?

 

"Not funny the first time" is, of course, rather subject to opinion.

[Compound2632]

Or even: "Grows on me with repetition"?

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[The Johnster]

6 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

To be pedantic, turning other peoples’ tvs into heroin...

[Dagworth]

23 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

Anyone else here know Pip Wilson? He used this as a signature for years.

 

Andi