The Forum Jokes Thread

[Dickon]

31 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

Erotic is where you use one feather, kinky is where you use the whole chicken.

 

In the version I heard about 50 years ago;

erotic was tickling your partner with a feather

kinky involved a tub of Swafega and the entire chicken

 

I'm amazed i can still remember it!

[34theletterbetweenB&D]

20 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

Someone was inspired by that to write an extended version.

Seen a version which included detail about the bowling on the lines of 'the team that is out bowls the balls from one end to the other end until the over is over, then from the other end to the other end until the over is over, and so on end to end, over by over until the team that is in is all out and then they all go in or possibly stay out with the team that was out now in and the team that was in now out bowling the balls from one end to the other end until the over is over, then from the other end to the other end until the over is over, and so on end to end, over by over until the team that is in is all out and then they all go in or...

[KeithMacdonald]

13 minutes ago, Dickon said:

 

In the version I heard about 50 years ago;

erotic was tickling your partner with a feather

kinky involved a tub of Swafega and the entire chicken

 

I'm amazed i can still remember it!

 

Some things like that last a long time in the memory.

 

What did you do with the Swafega?

[CameronL]

16 minutes ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 

Some things like that last a long time in the memory.

 

What did you do with the Swafega?

Smear it on your bedroom doorknob so the children can't come in and interrupt you. 

[RJS1977]

Sue Barker, introducing a Question of Sport tennis special (Ally McCoist/John Parrott days):

 

"I asked the team captains to name their Wimbledon heroes. They said 'Vinnie Jones' and 'Uncle Bulgaria'"

[RJS1977]

[Binky]

I went in to my local pet shop to buy a spider, they wanted £100.

 

I like to support local businesses but £100 for a spider is a bit much!

 

I'll see if I can find one on the web.

[Allegheny1600]

At one of the major London train stations, two elderly gentlemen run into each other who always annoyed each other as schoolboys. One has become a pastor and is quite stout; he wears a habit similar to that of the Franciscan monks. The other has made a career in the Army; his uniform is hung all over with medals. 
The pastor addresses him: "Tell me, Mr. Stationmaster, when is the next train going to Cambridge?" 
The other replies: "At 11:00 am, but are you still traveling in your condition, madam." 

[Allegheny1600]

I seem to have a theme going here;

 

[Allegheny1600]

From America;

 

A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blow its horn for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well you know, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

[CameronL]

I have a mate who was in the Army. They sent him for a training course at camouflage school. 

 

He was picked up by the Military Police after wandering round Aldershot for three days trying to find it.

[PhilJ W]

The captain of a pirate ship spotted a Spanish galleon on the horizon and he turned to the first mate and said "Fetch my red shirt." After they'd captured the galleon the mate asked "Why the red shirt?" The captain said"So that if I'm wounded the men won't notice and carry on fighting." A few days later the captain spotted a fleet of Spanish warships. He turned to the mate and said "Fetch my brown trousers."

[Brian The Signal Engineer]

Here's an old one that still tickles me.

 

HELL

The following is supposedly an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Bonus Question : Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!"


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

[CameronL]

Did you know that David Beckham's net worth is $450 million.

 

When you have that much money it's easy to feel Posh.

[Steamport Southport]

Now, now!  

 

 

It's easy to criticise poor old Posh & Becks. But they've stuck together through thick and thin.

[J. S. Bach]

4 hours ago, Brian The Signal Engineer said:

Here's an old one that still tickles me.

Bonus Question : Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? ...snip...
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

An oldie but a goodie!

[jbqfc]

[Tankerman]

5 hours ago, Brian The Signal Engineer said:

Here's an old one that still tickles me.

 

HELL

The following is supposedly an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Bonus Question : Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!"


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

 

This is one of the best jokes that has been posted on here since the thread was started.

[Steamport Southport]

[Steamport Southport]

[billbedford]

If Pi is never ending, why is there still world hunger?

 

[KeithMacdonald]

2 minutes ago, billbedford said:

If Pi is never ending, why is there still world hunger?

 

 

[The Johnster]

If it never ends, it probably never begins either, explaining why there is world hunger...  

 

 

Anyway, if it's a beef pie the Hindus won't eat it, if it's a pork pie the Jews and the Muslims won't eat it, if it's a fish pie the Christians will only eat it on Fridays, and if it's a cottage pie, the Welsh will burn it.  And if it's a pie with four and twenty blackbirds baked in it, I'm not eating it; have you seen how many fleas and lice there are on a blackbird...

[The Johnster]

50 minutes ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 

My password is the middle 8...

[CameronL]

Breaking news - in America President Trump has declared the wildfires in California "a major disaster".

 

It takes one to know one