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The Forum Jokes Thread

Colin_McLeod

By Colin_McLeod,
in Wheeltappers

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Message added by AY Mod,

Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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APOLLO

APOLLO

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Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken *******, You've sh1t the bed !!'

 

bRIT15

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Steamport Southport

Steamport Southport

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A man is in the pub and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the landlord says to his drinking buddy  "Why don't you take him home? I'm not giving him any more to drink."

 

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house, manages to get his keys out, open the door and stumbles in.

 

 

The next day his wife finds him lying on the couch in the front room.

 

"Well you seem to have had a good night. But where's your wheelchair?"

 

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peanuts

peanuts

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A Chav is walking down the street unhappy with life as usual and sees what he thinks is an old tin can which he "wellies" down the road. Suddenly there is a flash and a cloud of smoke and before him stands a Genie,who says to him "I am the Genie of the Lamp and you have Three Wishes". The Chav abuses him and tells him to get out of his way before he causes him a "serios one". The Genie pesists and says that nevertheless he has Three Wishes and must choose. The Chav says that he wants to be married to a beautiful woman and the Genie tells him that his Wish is granted,and he has Two Wishes left. The Chav replies "Yeah right,so make me Rich then" and the Genie replies that his Wish is granted and he has One Wish left. The Chav then says that the Genie better "do one" as he was getting right peed off with all this,but the Genie simply replies that he wants to know his last Wish. The Chav says he wants to be Royalty and the Genie had better "clear right off",the Genie says that his Wish is granted and all of a sudden there is a cloud of smoke and a flash. The next thing our brave hero knows is that he is waking up.The first thing he sees is a beautiful serene woman lying next to him in bed,hardly believing his eyes he looks around him at the four poster bed festooned in purple velvet trimmed with gold braid and the crystal chandelier.His eyes then focus on a sideboard where a Gold Imperial Crown rests on a sumptuous silk cushion. Beside himself with joy at all his Wishes coming true,he hears a tap on the bedroom door and a voice saying to him, "You must hurry Your Majesty Franz Ferdinand we have to be in Sarajevo in an hour"

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DavidB-AU

DavidB-AU

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On 09/08/2020 at 16:03, Enterprisingwestern said:

 

I remember a question on QI asking which war in percentage of population terms was the worst for casualties, and the English civil was the clear winner.

 

 

I recall another question about what individual battle was the worst for casualties and the answer was the Battle of Towton during the Wars of the Roses. Casualties as a proportion of total numbers on the field and as a proportion of the population, it was worse that the Somme.

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