The Forum Jokes Thread

[Sidecar Racer]

 

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day.

Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you,

so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride

. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.

The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat . . .

 

didn't give a **** one way or the other.

[Compound2632]

1 hour ago, CameronL said:

1st Revolutionary: "Come the Revolution, brother, everyone will drive a Rolls-Royce!"

2nd Revolutionary: "What if I don't want to drive a Rolls-Royce?"

1st Revolutionary: "Come the Revolution, brother, you'll drive what you're told to!"

 

That reminds me of a Polish joke from the Martial Law era:

1st Comrade: Comrade, the Polish economy is flourishing under martial law - soon every comrade will have his own helicopter.

2nd Comrade: What's the point of everyone having their own helicopter?

1st Comrade: Well, if you are in Cracow and hear that there are cabbages on sale in Warsaw...

[NorthBrit]

There was I --- pleased as Punch at the Christening of our son.
James Robert Bruce. Heir to the family pile in Scotland.
All the family are happy also; Mother and Father seeing their first grandchild. Grandmama is now a Great Grandmother. (Mindst' you she has always been great as far as I am concerned.) A great occasion indeed. James Robert Bruce, all family names of first born sons throughout the centuries.

All at the Estate wished the young lad well.

Young James began to walk. His first steps were a delight to see. Tears were in Lady Elizabeth's (my wife) eyes.

Now he walks ---- and runs-----

We have changed young James's name to Egon. --------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------


----------------------------------------------------------------------------


"Where's Egon?"

"Where's Egon?"

 

[simontaylor484]

Was he one of the African tribe of pygmys. The elawi tribe they jump.up and down in The long grass and shout were the elawi 

 

The late great Charlie Williams

Edited August 7, 2020 by simontaylor484
Predictive text

[great central]

Then there was the oomatingy tribe, only wore loincloths. Lived in an area with lots of spikey plants......

[MartynJPearson]

6 hours ago, great central said:

Then there was the oomatingy tribe, only wore loincloths. Lived in an area with lots of spikey plants......

 

Was that the tribe who lived alongside the oomagoolies bird, a bird with very short legs, named after the sound it makes when landing?

 

Then there was the brownnose tribe - a tribe who moved from place to place by crawling very closely behind one another. The leader was called pinknose.

[KeithMacdonald]

3 minutes ago, MartynJPearson said:

Then there was the brownnose tribe - a tribe who moved from place to place by crawling very closely behind one another. The leader was called pinknose.

 

Was that the tribe that discovered it was specially talented at Middle Management clerical jobs?

[newbryford]

[petethemole]

2 hours ago, MartynJPearson said:

 

Was that the tribe who lived alongside the oomagoolies bird, a bird with very short legs, named after the sound it makes when landing?

 

Then there was the brownnose tribe - a tribe who moved from place to place by crawling very closely behind one another. The leader was called pinknose.

 

All these and others are on display at the Wild West Show, with the elephant and the kangaroo-oo-oo.  Various versions can be found on line including a relatively recent one.

[raymw]

 

>??
> (This is really old but has been one of my favorites for decades.)
>
> Three nuns die and go to heaven.
>
> At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a
> biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.
>
> "Who was the first woman?" he asks the first nun.
>
> "Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.
>
> "Where did Eve live?" he asks the second nun.
>
> "The Garden of Eden." The gates swing open once more.
>
> "Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more
> difficult question. What was the first thing Eve said when she saw
> Adam?" St. Peter asks of the third nun.
>
> "My, that's a hard one..."
>
> The gates swing open.
>
>

[CameronL]

4 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 

Was that the tribe that discovered it was specially talented at Middle Management clerical jobs?

No, they were the Beenkowntas.

[PhilJ W]

What tribe specialised in HR?

[CameronL]

4 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

What tribe specialised in HR?

I forget the name, but their chief used to carry a big stick around all day, but nobody understood why. They all said he had a massive staff but no-one knew what it was for.

[KeithMacdonald]

13 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

What tribe specialised in HR?

 

Headhunter tribe?

[dogbox321]

Cannibals?

 

Nope, sorry cannot be right, my Mother in Law worked in HR........and she's never tried to eat me! (Probably like to kill me, but not eat me LOL!)  I were her favorite son-in law, until my wife's sister got married!

 

She goes to a Pilates Class though.....Am I getting close? 

[dogbox321]

On 02/08/2020 at 23:41, davefromacrossthepond said:

No worries over Covid....our president said it will disappear in April when it gets warmer............. 

......I can see why Mr Trump hates fake news so much now.......

 

Think your president will disappear* before the virus.......(if opinion polls are anything to go on!)

 

* - as in after the results of a democratic election - going back to running his businesses.

 

P.S.  If Covid-19 is being managed so well - why is it unsafe to hold an election?

[jcredfer]

I read HR* in full, or initials and a mental picture appears, of a storeroom staffed by white coated, black-booted, robots, with clip-boards, walking along the corridors of shelving populated with real people sat on the shelving, awaiting the call for their skills, whist others are being stacked back, having performed well enough to be recycled later.  The Skip, in the courtyard, in the rear car park appears to have the remnants of worn-out empty human shells.  

 

Julian

 

*a stock or supply of money, materials and other assets that can be drawn on  by a person or organisation in order to function.....

 

[CameronL]

37 minutes ago, dogbox321 said:

......I can see why Mr Trump hates fake news so much now.......

 

Think your president will disappear* before the virus.......(if opinion polls are anything to go on!)

 

* - as in after the results of a democratic election - going back to running his businesses.

 

P.S.  If Covid-19 is being managed so well - why is it unsafe to hold an election?

What is the difference between Donald Trump and Covid-19?

 

One is an unstoppable blight that's ruining a country and causing unnecessary suffering to millions of people.

 

And the other one's a virus.

[PhilJ W]

Perhaps when Trump says jump some politicians should know the answer is not "How high".

[luckymucklebackit]

One of the lesser known knights of the round table used to wander around the table all the time, after he died his name was given to the measurement of the outside edge of the table - that knight was known as......

 

 

Sir Cumferance.

[luckymucklebackit]

The inventor of the outboard motor has died. There will be a ceremony on his boat powered by his original motor and followed by a wake

[J. S. Bach]

GROAN!!  TWICE!!!!

Edited August 7, 2020 by J. S. Bach

[Stanley Melrose]

9 minutes ago, luckymucklebackit said:

One of the lesser known knights of the round table used to wander around the table all the time, after he died his name was given to the measurement of the outside edge of the table - that knight was known as......

 

 

Sir Cumferance.

Going back many years I recall finding a copy of the Examiners' Report on the previous year's A level examinations in an office that I probably shouldn't have been in.  I got to the report on that year's History examination and found that one examiner was enthralled by the exploits of the gallant Sir Bastepol during the Crimean War as related by one examinee.

 

Stan

[Buhar]

Young squires were often seen doubling over with their legs crossed when approached by Sir Cumcision.

 

Alan

[KeithMacdonald]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

 

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

 

"Yes", she sighed, "He's an old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

 

"My God!" I said,

 

"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

And that’s how the fight started….