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The Forum Jokes Thread


Colin_McLeod
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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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3 hours ago, steve1 said:

Starting with "Why did he marry me?"

 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-53501482

 

steve

 

Given the Mental Health issues, with Bipolar disorder, added to by the confusion and concern remaining after his first potus campaign rally, whose "words sometimes do not align with his intentions", according to his wife, he makes the perfect follow-on from the current incumbent.  Trump should perhaps be addressing concerns in that direction, the play-off might provide hours of amusement politically free viewing.  

 

Julian

 

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8 hours ago, simontaylor484 said:

I do believe Frinton on sea has a similar demographic profile

Famous for its level crossing gates.  More of a Pearly colour than your traditional white ones. 

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1 hour ago, Enterprisingwestern said:

 

Overheard in an RAF recruitment office many years ago.

"I'm sorry Mr Gibson, if that's the name of your dog then you will be of no use to us"

 

Mike.

 

What actually happened was that he had a bunged-up nose and said "By dobs name is Digger*".

A kindly interviewer handed him a packet of Tunes and after sucking one for a couple of minutes he was able to reply, in crystal clear tones,

"My dogs name is ......."

 

* Apparently the Bowdlerisation that is to be used in the remake, according to Stephen Fry....

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While we are on the subject of the name of a certain dog, may I point you in the direction of the original lyrics from "I've got a little list from the Mikado". Even such genteel establishment figures such as Gilbert and Sullivan would find themselves under attack from the PC brigade these days.

Bernard 

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A bit like Squanto, always portrayed as a sandwich short of a picnic.  This remarkable man greeted Mayflower landing in perfect english; he also spoke Spanish and French fluently.  He’d made at least 2 Atlantic crossings, having been captured by the Canadian French and sold to a Spanish slave plantation somewhere in the Caribbean, sent on a sea voyage and captured by English pirates.  He’d spent some years in London, free but poor and working at various labouring jobs before working a passage back across the atlantic. 
 

He was probably the most travelled man on that Cape Cod beach, and given that the others had just crossed the atlantic at a time when the bulk if their countrymen lived entirely within 5 miles of their birthplace, was no mean feat!  History, by which I mean our history, has not been fair to this remarkable man.  

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Hacker: Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers. The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country; the Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; the Financial Times is read by people who own the country; the Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country, and the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.

 

Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?

 

Bernard: Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big t**s.

 

 

Still true today as it was back then.

 

 

Jason

 

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39 minutes ago, Gibbo675 said:

Hi Mike,

 

Unfortunately they aren't joking now:

 

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8530111/Gravestone-Dambuster-heros-beloved-black-Labrador-N-REPLACED-RAF-review.html

 

Those of us that are educated know full well that the word means nothing more than the Latin word for dark brown or black after all. 

 

I'll probably now get banned from the Jokes Thread for linking the Daily Mail !!!

 

Gibbo.

That was my reference point for my comment.

What a ridiculous world we exist in.

 

Mike.

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14 minutes ago, Enterprisingwestern said:

That was my reference point for my comment.

What a ridiculous world we exist in.

 

Mike.

 

Will the PC Brigade have a field day when the New Zealand Rugby team play here?:crazy_mini:

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1 hour ago, NorthBrit said:

 

Will the PC Brigade have a field day when the New Zealand Rugby team play here?:crazy_mini:

Probably the same as the Black Dyke Mills brass band got when they toured the USA.

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24 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

Probably the same as the Black Dyke Mills brass band got when they toured the USA.

 

And none of them are black and none of them are dykes? Tut, cultural appropriation. :D

 

Now you have me imagining the Black Dyke Mills brass band on tour, and stopping at a Road Diner.

 

Hostess : Whaddaya want?

Black Dyke Mills brass band member: Eh oop lass, does thow have any faggots and mushy peas?

 

Lost in translation.

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40 minutes ago, Colin_McLeod said:

 

If this was Facebook instead of RMweb I would be very explicit about my views on such an aggressive comment. Is it really necessary to promote violence?

 

Colin,

 

I am far from a violent man. I do not promote violence. As Asimov put it, “Violence is the last resort of the incompetent.”. However, when it comes to my family, I reserve the right to protect them in any manner I see fit.

 

steve

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