Popular Post steve1 Posted June 24, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted June 24, 2020 I can’t make out my wife. First she says I can have a tattoo if I want one, next she’s complaining about having a dozen bagpipers in the garden. steve 1 2 23 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 One day a young man found himself at the Pearly Gates, standing in the queue to get into Heaven. He hadn’t been there very long when two big, burly angels came up to him. “Excuse me sir,” said one of them, “but there seems to be a problem with your application. St Peter will see you now.” They picked him up by the elbows and carried him to an office, where St Peter was sitting reading a huge, leather-bound book. “Is there a problem?” the young man asked. “There is” replied St Peter. “I’m not sure we can let you in” “Why not?” the young man asked, horrified. “Well, according to The Book you haven’t actually done any good in your life. You have to have done a good deed to get into Heaven – and apparently you haven’t.” “Well, I was brought up in an orphanage,” said the young man. “Not much opportunity there, and since then I’ve had a job that earned me an honest living but didn’t really give me much opportunity to do anything good. But I didn’t do anything bad – I never harmed anyone.” “That’s part of the problem,” said St Peter. “If you’d done anything bad we could send you straight to Hell. As it is, they won’t have you either.” “So where do I go then?” “If we can’t sort this, you’ll spend eternity in Limbo.” “And what’s that like?” “Ever been to Stoke?” “That bad,” said the horrified young man. “Isn’t there anything you could do?” “It’s up to you,” replied St Peter. “You just need to think of a good deed you did some time in your life. It doesn’t have to be much – 50p in a charity box or an old lady helped across the road is enough.” “Well there is one,” said the young man. “I was driving down the road and I saw a chapter of Hells Angels about to gang-rape a teenage girl. Well, I wasn’t having that. I stopped my car, got the tyre iron out of the boot, walked up behind their leader and hit him on the back of the head saying ‘Leave her alone, you greasy, bloated barbarians!’” “Well, that certainly counts!” replied St Peter, “But it isn’t in The Book. When did it happen?” And the young man replied “About five minutes ago.” 17 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted June 25, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 25, 2020 16 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 My mates realy chuffed he joind a ukranian dating site now hes got a chick in keiv ! 2 9 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 On 24/06/2020 at 15:23, steve1 said: I can’t make out my wife. First she says I can have a tattoo if I want one, next she’s complaining about having a dozen bagpipers in the garden. steve I know what you mean. I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said "Something small and shiny." Even though it fitted the description she wasn't impressed with the packet of rail joiners. 1 17 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted June 25, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 25, 2020 3 hours ago, CameronL said: I know what you mean. I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said "Something small and shiny." ... "and expensive" was implied, y'know. 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Reorte Posted June 25, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 25, 2020 Just now, Compound2632 said: ... "and expensive" was implied, y'know. That'll be fancy phosphor bronze cast rail joiners then. 3 12 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post raymw Posted June 25, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted June 25, 2020 Area 51 You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51. Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks at Area 51 were very surprised when without permission or radio contact, a Cessna landed at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft, handcuffed the pilot and hauled him to an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI-NSA background check on the pilot and locked him up overnight. By noon the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. However, the next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna violated restricted airspace and again plopped down on the long runway at Area 51. Again, MP's with guns drawn surrounded the plane which this time contained two people. The same pilot jumped out, with hands-up, laid spread-eagle on the ground and screamed, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" 1 24 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post luckymucklebackit Posted June 25, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted June 25, 2020 Groan buttons at the ready..... Steak pie in Trinidad £3 Steak pie in Barbados £4.50 Steak pie in Tobago £3.20 That's the pie rates of the Caribbean. 2 15 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 Ahhhh !! Pie Jokes Brit15 3 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 20 minutes ago, luckymucklebackit said: Groan buttons at the ready..... Steak pie in Trinidad £3 Steak pie in Barbados £4.50 Steak pie in Tobago £3.20 That's the pie rates of the Caribbean. More sustenance than the film. Julian 1 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 why did the Mexican take anti- anxiaty pills for hispanic attacks 2 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 (edited) Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff? Tequila. Edited June 26, 2020 by Steamport Southport Predictive text changing words again... 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 1 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Alex TM Posted June 26, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 26, 2020 Seen on a homemade poster in a window this lunchtime: what's the most dangerous Mexican food ..... a taco! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 13 minutes ago, leopardml2341 said: Cheap 1980's Austrian Wine ? 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted June 26, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 26, 2020 Steak pie in Cornwall £3.80 That’s the pie rates of Penzance. 7 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 1 hour ago, Gibbo675 said: Cheap 1980's Austrian Wine ? /pedant mode on That was antifreeze. /pedant mode off steve 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted June 26, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 26, 2020 16 minutes ago, steve1 said: /pedant mode on That was antifreeze. /pedant mode off steve Reminds me of a Spitting Image sketch of a wine bar with the Austrian wine being delivered from a car radiator. Mike. 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted June 26, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 26, 2020 2 hours ago, leopardml2341 said: Won't take long to stop if you drink that stuff, stop dead! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 A young lady walked into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had sex with her the previous evening, after they met in a pub He was stacking washing powder boxes on shelves. "You lying " she yells!! "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot" "No" he says. " I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team" 15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted June 27, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 27, 2020 https://thumbs.gfycat.com/ConcreteWarmAnglerfish-mobile.mp4 1 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold 96701 Posted June 27, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 27, 2020 On 21/06/2020 at 20:24, grahame said: Exactly. Anglias isn't the correct pronunciation, or spelling, of English. And I guess they can't tell the difference between the various UK nations, which is odd as they lhave specific words for Scottish, Welsh and northern Irish. There are a number of things that get my goat when sitting on Cardiff or Newport stations listening to the announcements and seeing the multilingual displays. One is Llundain Paddington, but the main infraction with the Welsh pronunciations is Manceino Piccadilly. I have no problem with English towns that used to be part of Wales being given their original Welsh names, but since when has Manchester been in Wales to warrant them calling it something else? As a Lancastrian, I find it to be extremely arrogant. After all, Peking became Bejing, Bombay became Mumbai so who the hell thinks that they have the right to mispronounce Manchester? Crewe, Wilmslow and Stockport don't get such "special" treatment. Rant over. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baby Deltic Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocor Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 10 hours ago, 96701 said: There are a number of things that get my goat when sitting on Cardiff or Newport stations listening to the announcements and seeing the multilingual displays. One is Llundain Paddington, but the main infraction with the Welsh pronunciations is Manceino Piccadilly. I have no problem with English towns that used to be part of Wales being given their original Welsh names, but since when has Manchester been in Wales to warrant them calling it something else? As a Lancastrian, I find it to be extremely arrogant. After all, Peking became Bejing, Bombay became Mumbai so who the hell thinks that they have the right to mispronounce Manchester? Crewe, Wilmslow and Stockport don't get such "special" treatment. Rant over. Ah!, maybe this is just a subtle subversion as payback to a historical conquer. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now