The Forum Jokes Thread

[Damo666]

One morning a 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

 

"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "Everybody seems to be swearing, I think it's about time we started swearing too."

 

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

 

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"

 

"Ooh, I don't know" says the 4 year old, unsure.

 

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

 

"Well, mum, I was thinking I'll have some f***ing Coco Pops"

 

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

 

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!

 

"Don't know," he blubbers, "but I sure don't want any of those f***ing Coco Pops."

[PhilJ W]

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/dog-steals-set-false-teeth-21877119

[luckymucklebackit]

[PhilJ W]

[luckymucklebackit]

1 hour ago, PhilJ W said:

 

Must be photoshopped - where did that toilet roll come from!

 

(Easy to wash the brushes I suppose!)

 

[PhilJ W]

[Nick C]

Q: What borders on stupidity?

 

 

A: Mexico and Canada.

[davefromacrossthepond]

5 hours ago, luckymucklebackit said:

Must have had help from Ivanka and Jared.

[Baby Deltic]

[Al51]

1 hour ago, Baby Deltic said:

 

I thought they folded....

 

[gordon s]

Seems German men have similar problems........

 

 

Edited April 17, 2020 by gordon s

[Baby Deltic]

16 minutes ago, Al51 said:

 

I thought they folded....

 

They went outside the envelope..

 

[gordon s]

The nothing box......

 

 

[Sprintex]

[Sprintex]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Kylestrome]

But did he get served?

[Compound2632]

Man walks into a pub, bent on humour. Inside, he finds the pumps are mounted on a polished mahogany block, just six inches off the floor. He walks out, exclaiming "the bar has been set too low even for my jokes".

[Gibbo675]

2 hours ago, Compound2632 said:

Man walks into a pub, bent on humour. Inside, he finds the pumps are mounted on a polished mahogany block, just six inches off the floor. He walks out, exclaiming "the bar has been set too low even for my jokes".

Hi Stephen,

 

That is so poor it is brilliant !

 

Gibbo.

[PhilJ W]

5 hours ago, Baby Deltic said:

The bruise will go down in a couple of days.

[PhilJ W]

[peanuts]

What part of the body can you spell using the letters pneis.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

spine   ......................... gawd filthy minds the lot of ya 

[Damo666]

Two hunters travelled to Canada to hunt moose. They searched around and found a bush pilot with a good reputation.

They hired him and had him fly them to a cabin located by a small remote lake in the Northwest Territories. The pilot carefully landed the plane on the  lake, and let the two hunters off at the pier. Over the roar of his engine, the pilot told them "Now this lake is mighty short, and I won't have much room to take off, so I can only take out one moose. OK fellas?"

 

The hunters readily agreed. The pilot said he would return in one week, turned his plane around, and flew off.

 

One week later, the pilot returned. He carefully landed his plane on  the lake, pulled up to the pier, and looked out in dismay. There sat the two hunters on the pier, all smiles, with two dead moose. The pilot shut off his engine, climbed out, and told the hunters "Listen fellas. I told you, only one moose." Both hunters immediately began to try and talk the pilot into taking both moose. They pointed out how big the moose were, what great trophies they'd make, and how they'd gladly pay extra for the trouble.

 

The pilot refused. Then the first hunter said "Hey, we had Joe Meyerson as our pilot last year, and he flew out of here with two moose, with a plane no bigger than yours." The pilot's pride was stung, for Joe Meyerson was one of his biggest competitors for the tourist dollars. The pilot thought about it for a couple of seconds, then said "OK, you're on!"

 

The two hunters quickly helped the pilot secure the moose between the pontoons and the cabin of the plane, and everyone got in. The pilot checked the wind, and slowly headed for the farthest point of the lake. When the pilot reached the end of the lake, he turned the plane around and gave it full throttle. The plane quickly accelerated, speeding across the short lake. Only yards from the rapidly approaching shore, the pilot pulled back hard on the stick.

 

The plane rose slowly into the air. It cleared the shore, cleared some trees, and then crashed into some tall pines.

 

An hour later, the first hunter, who is lying on the ground surrounded by broken plane and messy moose, sits up.

Disoriented and having difficulty staying upright, he moans "Where are we?"

 

The second hunter, also just sitting up, pauses to consider the question, looks behind himself, turns back around, rubs is throbbing head, and says, "About a hundred yards further than last year."