The Forum Jokes Thread

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[Colin_McLeod]

[jcredfer]

31 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

 

Toy late for paper answers...

 

Julian

 

[Colin_McLeod]

I can't trust you lot. You leave me with no choice.

You're all grounded until further notice.

 

 

[jcredfer]

28 minutes ago, Colin_McLeod said:

I can't trust you lot. You leave me with no choice.

You're all grounded until further notice.

 

 

Sadly not true for the majority.

 

Sadly very true for the small minority who don't have the mental facilities to have even the foggiest idea about the enormous problems they are going to cause.

 

Julian

 

[Welly]

^^^

Boris should have kept his hands away from his face to help cut down on the risk of catching the virus.

[sem34090]

[Shedman5]

UK Virus ALERT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The Russians have said “It's not us”

[kevinlms]

10 minutes ago, Shedman5 said:

UK Virus ALERT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The Russians have said “It's not us”

Way behind the times regarding Australia. The Bunnings Sausage Sizzle was cancelled about 10 days ago!

[DavidB-AU]

1 hour ago, Shedman5 said:

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

As of tomorrow, the barbie IS cancelled. 

[Compound2632]

7 minutes ago, DavidB-AU said:

 

As of tomorrow, the barbie IS cancelled. 

 

Here in the UK, Gove has stated that deliveries of non-essential items including toys and clothes can continue.

So Barbie's OK.

[Gibbo675]

12 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

Here in the UK, Gove has stated that deliveries of non-essential items including toys and clothes can continue.

So Barbie's OK.

Hi Stepehn,

 

Once the Barbie has burned out will you be left with Cindy's ???

 

Poor, very poor,

 

Gibbo.

[PhilJ W]

But what about Ken?

[Gibbo675]

36 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

But what about Ken?

Hi Phil,

 

He has no real use at, with or for a Barbie, for he has no meat.

 

Gibbo.

[Kylestrome]

16 hours ago, Colin_McLeod said:

 

Maybe we could use this as a substitute for the missing 'groan' button?

[Chris116]

[AndrewC]

18 minutes ago, Chris116 said:

separated at birth????

 

[Sidecar Racer]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals,

kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her

enough to maintain their silence

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic

after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know

what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house

 

.... then walked home .... and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)

 

[PhilJ W]

Working from home and the schools shut.

[PhilJ W]

[newbryford]

Even Mrs NB found this one funny.

 

 

 

[F-UnitMad]

When SWMBO suggested that I might have to sell some of my trains to get us through the financial problems caused by Covid-19, I think "Over my dead body" might have been the wrong answer.... 

[Colin_McLeod]

1 hour ago, F-UnitMad said:

When SWMBO suggested that I might have to sell some of my trains to get us through the financial problems caused by Covid-19, I think "Over my dead body" might have been the wrong answer.... 

 

 

[PhilJ W]