Titan Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 4 hours ago, petethemole said: The real joke(?) is that you'd be done for wastin police time. Surely the police can't argue solving a crime is a waste of police time? 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 4 hours ago, petethemole said: The real joke(?) is that you'd be done for wastin police time. 6 minutes ago, Titan said: Surely the police can't argue solving a crime is a waste of police time? 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 (edited) Post removed as it didn't make sense now. Edited February 7, 2020 by leopardml2341 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post F-UnitMad Posted February 7, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 7, 2020 1 hour ago, leopardml2341 said: Post removed as it didn't make sense now. That never stopped a lot of people on RMweb..!!! 1 12 12 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted February 7, 2020 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted February 7, 2020 Before you go popping that bubble wrap, remember that the air came from China. 1 2 13 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 Just seen in a Neighbourhood Blog..... "Is there anyone who could replace my old garden tap? I can't even get it off." ..... Had terrible thoughts about what the inappropriate application of a spanner and blow torch might do, so recommended a good doctor. Julian 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 7, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 7, 2020 (edited) I remember when plastic surgury was a taboo subject. Today if you mention 'Botox' no one raises an eyebrow. Edited February 7, 2020 by PhilJ W 2 1 16 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 1 hour ago, PhilJ W said: I remember when plastic surgury was a taboo subject. Today if you mention 'Botox' no one raises an eyebrow. It's good for lips 'though - you just have to lick them and stick them to a shop window - success every time. Regards Julian 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 Are noticeboards a sign of things to come? Echo is a word you can use again, and again, and again! If Donald Trump offers Boris Johnson advice, is it the blond leading the blond? 1 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted February 8, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 8, 2020 Trump? Blonde? 1 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 On 07/02/2020 at 10:45, luckymucklebackit said: I heard a funny noise in my shed, so I called the police. “Hello”, I said, “I think someone is in my shed stealing stuff". “Do you have anything valuable in the shed”, the dispatcher asked. “Well, just my tools, the kid's bike and the lawn mower.” I said. “Sorry”, she said, “we’ve got no one available at the moment. Someone will be with you in the morning” and hung up. Five minutes later I called back. “Hello, I phoned earlier about someone in my shed. No need to worry about it anymore though, I’ve just shot him”. Within 10 minutes the area was crawling with cops, helicopters, and K-9 dog handlers. After catching the crook, the Sergeant came up to me and said, “Hey, you told us you shot the intruder, but he’s alive and well.” “Yeah? And you told me you had no one available.” Jim Would not have happened in my day. We would have attended kicked the sh!t out the little fokker and then denied all allegations of police brutality. 2 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 On 07/02/2020 at 18:39, Colin_McLeod said: Before you go popping that bubble wrap, remember that the air came from China. D e a d 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 steve 1 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 On 07/02/2020 at 18:39, Colin_McLeod said: Before you go popping that bubble wrap, remember that the air came from China. How dare you imply that the Chinese government would not have been totally regulated for the air in those plastic bubbles to be, filtered, sterilised, disinfected and certified purer than the air emanating from the output from the extractor fans of their very own pure political chambers. Oh ye of little faith... pop away and snuff-up... enjoy! Regards Julian 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 (edited) On 04/02/2020 at 11:28, Oldddudders said: Following the outstanding success of my last joke - getting at least 10 groans counts as a bullseye! - I have a follow-up. This one is at the smuttier end of the spectrum, so move on if you are easily offended. A little boy, not much more than a toddler, has noticed that mummy is a very different shape from daddy. So one day he asks daddy why that might be. "Daddy, what are those big things on mummy's chest?" Daddy is a mite flummoxed about how to respond to one so small, but he plunges in: "Those are mummy's balloons. When mummy gets very old and dies, her balloons will inflate, and she'll float up to heaven to be with God." Good story, eh? Naturally the little boy swallows daddy's explanation without question, and all is well. Until a few weeks later, on a Sunday morning daddy is right down the bottom of the garden, digging away in the vegetable patch (as yer do), when the little boy comes running down the path. "Daddy, daddy! I think mummy's dying!" "Why do you think that, son?" "Well, the milkman's blowing up her balloons - and she's saying 'Oh, God - I'm coming!'" Reminds me of another one. Also slightly smutty.... Dad was relaxing in his armchair in the lounge reading the Sunday paper when his two kids ran in shouting "Daddy, Daddy! What's love juice?" "Ask your mother!" replies the dad slightly embarrassed. "We can't. She's gone to the shops" Dad puts down his paper and starts "When a Mummy and a Daddy love each other they "love each other" and when they "love each other" they produce something called love juice. This is where babies come from." The kids look horrified and burst into tears. Dad suddenly says "Where did you hear such words anyway?" The children sob "We were only watching the tennis" EDIT: For some reason it's editing very gentle words from that which you would use in kindergarten... Jason Edited February 8, 2020 by Steamport Southport 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, andytrains said: D e a d had a delivery of a huge roll of bubble wrap the other day asked the boss what to do with it ? pop it in the corner over there he says four hours i was there popping them all Edited February 8, 2020 by peanuts 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 Just found on Skype Lessons .com https://www.skype-lessons.com/english-lessons/ English Lessons for Father Ted 1) Which author does Father ted like? 2) Why does Miss Clarke want to stay at Father Ted’s house? 3) What does Father Ted suggest Miss Clarke do when she arrives? 4) Why was Dougal hiding? 5) How do they put Father Jack’s wheelchair into ‘automatic’? 6) Why doesn’t Mrs Doyle like Miss Clarke’s book? 7) Why has Miss Clarke had a rough year? 8) Which book do Father Ted and Miss Clarke discuss? 9) What must Father Ted do at 7 o clock? 10) Why mustn’t Jim ring the doctor? 11) Why are Dougal and the nuns already at Miss Clarke’s house? 12) What has Miss Clarke decided to do? 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted February 9, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 9, 2020 3 hours ago, andytrains said: Would not have happened in my day. We would have attended kicked the sh!t out the little fokker and then denied all allegations of police brutali And then you'd have done the same to the crook. What have you got against small Dutch aeroplanes anyway? 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted February 9, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 9, 2020 Mummy mummy, is the au pair a robot? No darling, why? Well daddy is upstairs in her bedroom and says he is going to screw her back off. Mike. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 The Farmer Goes To Town A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed... they couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem..how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, ' Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.' 1 17 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 9, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 9, 2020 On 20/01/2020 at 15:02, The Johnster said: Unfair. Why are BMW drivers excluded... Because they are complete . 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 31 minutes ago, PhilJ W said: Because they are complete .......... plonkers!! Julian 1 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted February 9, 2020 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted February 9, 2020 3 hours ago, Enterprisingwestern said: says he is going to screw her back off. That's a novel activity ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 1 hour ago, Colin_McLeod said: That's a novel activity ! Punctuation errors, probably. ...... says he is going to screw her - back off! Julian 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 9, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 9, 2020 2 hours ago, PhilJ W said: Because they are complete . 1 hour ago, jcredfer said: Julian Censored! another word is richards. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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