The Forum Jokes Thread

[APOLLO]

 

Brit15

[jcredfer]

2 hours ago, The Johnster said:

West Bromwich, Brighton & Hove, or Perfidious?

 

Or the name for Britain before being called Britania...  apparently?

 

Regards

Julian

 

[Compound2632]

1 hour ago, jcredfer said:

 

Or the name for Britain before being called Britania...  apparently?

 

Regards

Julian

 

 

Britannia is the Latin form of the Greek name for these islands, Pretanika, in turn derived from the proto-Celtic Pretan (c.f. modern Welsh Prydain).

 

So we're all prats, really. 

Edited December 29, 2019 by Compound2632

[The Johnster]

Wikipedia, bless 'em, say that Albion was derived from the Classical Greek interpretation of the Celtic name for the island; when the inhabitants began calling themselves Britons and the main island Predain, which morphed into Latin as Britannia, and the Romans absorbed msot of the island south of Hadrian's Wall into their empire, the Britons began to be described differently from the Scotti and Picti, although of course they had many tribes of their own.  It might be from this period that Alba became a word to describe what we now call Scotland (the Scotti were still living in Ireland at this time remember).  Derivates of 'Alba' are used in Welsh and Irish languages to describe Scotland. 

 

Albion never quite faded away, though, and those who had knowledge of Classical Greek, including Shakespeare, Geoffrey of Monmouth, and Blake ensured that it remained in the English language.  Shakespeare uses it to describe the English, not the British peoples.

[Compound2632]

29 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

So we're all prats, really. 

 

This is the joke thread?

 

I was going for humour rather than erudition but if we must:

 

Pretanika referred to the archipelago (the British Isles) , including the islands of Albion (Great Britain) and Ierne (Ireland). Britannia started off meaning the British Isles but for the Romans, came to be the name of the province - Great Britain south of Hadrian's Wall. 

 

England has been Perfidious Albion to our continental neighbours since the 13th century and for the forseeable future.

 

 

[jcredfer]

30 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

This is the joke thread?

 

I was going for humour rather than erudition but if we must:

 

Pretanika referred to the archipelago (the British Isles) , including the islands of Albion (Great Britain) and Ierne (Ireland). Britannia started off meaning the British Isles but for the Romans, came to be the name of the province - Great Britain south of Hadrian's Wall. 

 

England has been Perfidious Albion to our continental neighbours since the 13th century and for the forseeable future.

 

 

 

Naah. they just didn't understand what was good for them.....  

 

Anyway, it wasn't the English who were causing the problems with the continent, it was the Norman Barons who invaded and then continued to fall out with their continental cousins.  The English just provided superior soldiers for the Barons.

 

Julian

 

{PS. Waits with fingers well into the ears, for the replies.   }

 

[J. S. Bach]

57 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

 ...snip... England has been Perfidious Albion to our continental neighbours since the 13th century and for the forseeable future.

 

"Continental"?  Hmmm, some "over here" might think the same thing.

[Dave Hunt]

One day God had his mate from another universe round for tea. "How's it going with this universe?" the visitor asked.

"Very well," God answered.

"What about that little planet you spent so long making?" his friend asked.

"Ah, there are some problems but overall I'm pleased with it, God said, "I've taken a lot of trouble to build in checks and balances. Look, it's cold at the top and bottom but very warm round the middle. a lot of it is covered with water but there's plenty of dry bits too."

"What about those clever animals you made, humans I think you called them."

"Oh, a few problems again but I'm especially pleased with the ones on these little islands here - they call themselves the British - they can be stubborn but generally they see the other person's point of view, don't get too excited when things don't go their way and help others when they can."

"So, where's the balance for that?" came the query.

"Well," said God, "Just over here are what are called the French........."

 

[jcredfer]

17 minutes ago, Dave Hunt said:

One day God had his mate from another universe round for tea. "How's it going with this universe?" the visitor asked.

"Very well," God answered.

"What about that little planet you spent so long making?" his friend asked.

"Ah, there are some problems but overall I'm pleased with it, God said, "I've taken a lot of trouble to build in checks and balances. Look, it's cold at the top and bottom but very warm round the middle. a lot of it is covered with water but there's plenty of dry bits too."

"What about those clever animals you made, humans I think you called them."

"Oh, a few problems again but I'm especially pleased with the ones on these little islands here - they call themselves the British - they can be stubborn but generally they see the other person's point of view, don't get too excited when things don't go their way and help others when they can."

"So, where's the balance for that?" came the query.

"Well," said God, "Just over here are what are called the French........."

 

 

.......   and his mate asked, "How do you explain the behaviour of the ones to the East of the pond you labelled Mediterranean??"

 

J

[Compound2632]

2 hours ago, J. S. Bach said:

"Continental"?  Hmmm, some "over here" might think the same thing.

 

Not since the 13th century, though.

[Gibbo675]

36 minutes ago, jcredfer said:

 

.......   and his mate asked, "How do you explain the behaviour of the ones to the East of the pond you labelled Mediterranean??"

 

J

That would be cause of two things, the Sykes-Picot Agreement and Balfour Declaration.

 

Not a joke, not even funny at all.

 

Lets see how long it takes me to get chucked off this thread !!!!

[jcredfer]

13 minutes ago, Gibbo675 said:

That would be cause of two things, the Sykes-Picot Agreement and Balfour Declaration.

 

Not a joke, not even funny at all.

 

Lets see how long it takes me to get chucked off this thread !!!!

So it would seem.

 

Oh well.....  one good "turn" deserves another....

 

J

 

Edited December 29, 2019 by jcredfer

[Steamport Southport]

Back to the jokes...

 

A priest, a vicar and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over who’s the best at what they do.

 

Eventually they decide that in order to prove who’s the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion.

 

 

A few weeks later.. they meet up at the bar and the priest announces, "I found a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord. He liked it so much that he now comes to mass every week."

 

The vicar says, "Well, I saw a bear in the clearing. I started reading him the bible and he loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized in about a week."

 

The priest and the vicar turn to look at the rabbi, who now has a broken arm, a fractured collarbone and several cuts and bruises.

 

The rabbi says, You know what, looking back.. maybe I shouldn't have started with a circumcision....

 

 

[Colin_McLeod]

It was 11 years ago today that my pal James ran out of the room shouting "It's a boy. It's a boy" with tears running down his face.

We never went back to Thailand. 

[kevinlms]

3 hours ago, Dave Hunt said:

One day God had his mate from another universe round for tea. "How's it going with this universe?" the visitor asked.

"Very well," God answered.

"What about that little planet you spent so long making?" his friend asked.

"Ah, there are some problems but overall I'm pleased with it, God said, "I've taken a lot of trouble to build in checks and balances. Look, it's cold at the top and bottom but very warm round the middle. a lot of it is covered with water but there's plenty of dry bits too."

"What about those clever animals you made, humans I think you called them."

"Oh, a few problems again but I'm especially pleased with the ones on these little islands here - they call themselves the British - they can be stubborn but generally they see the other person's point of view, don't get too excited when things don't go their way and help others when they can."

"So, where's the balance for that?" came the query.

"Well," said God, "Just over here are what are called the French........."

 

I thought Brexit was going to get a mention there...

[jcredfer]

8 hours ago, kevinlms said:

I thought Brexit was going to get a mention there...

 

Close call...  it nearly didn't.  

 

Julian

 

Edited December 30, 2019 by jcredfer

[RJS1977]

On 27/12/2019 at 02:40, The Johnster said:

John Laurie, Corporal Fraser, in Dad's Army, and I believe a bit of ad libbing not in the script.  Brilliant!

 

Corporal Fraser? He was briefly a Lance Corporal in 'A Stripe for Fraser', a sergeant in 'A. Wilson (Manager)' and a captain in 'If the Cap Fits', but never a full Corporal.

[Two_sugars]

1 hour ago, RJS1977 said:

 

Corporal Fraser? He was briefly a Lance Corporal in 'A Stripe for Fraser', a sergeant in 'A. Wilson (Manager)' and a captain in 'If the Cap Fits', but never a full Corporal.

 

Yeah. . but. . . . It dis'nt hafta be the truth to be a good tale . . . . Does It?

 

John

[Bernard Lamb]

13 hours ago, jcredfer said:

 

.......   and his mate asked, "How do you explain the behaviour of the ones to the East of the pond you labelled Mediterranean??"

 

J

Now that is clever.

How did you know that the one about the Rabbi and the bear was going to be posted in a few hours.
Bernard

[Steamport Southport]

I've got a Jewish joke book somewhere written by Jewish comedians such as Lenny Bruce and Woody Allen. Some of it is really near the knuckle, but most of it is about the perceived tightness like the Scots and Yorkshiremen stereotypes.

 

 

Why did Israel have the Six Day War?

 

Because they had the weapons on seven day approval....

 

 

 

Jason

[jcredfer]

2 hours ago, Bernard Lamb said:

Now that is clever.

How did you know that the one about the Rabbi and the bear was going to be posted in a few hours.
Bernard

 

My wife's name is Claire Voiant.

 

Julian

 

[The Johnster]

12 hours ago, kevinlms said:

I thought Brexit was going to get a mention there...

I think you got away with it.

[PhilJ W]

No comment neccessary.

7 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

 

 

[CHAZ D]

Not my work but I wish it was!

[Gibbo675]

5 hours ago, PhilJ W said:

No comment neccessary.

 

Hi Phil,

 

They look just like the type of middle class wannabes that get me 'round to sort out the mess that they have made of their houses after such capers and then proceed to tell me how to use my own tools. Those would be very tools that they wouldn't know the names of if they picked them up and looked carefully at them.

 

I have been know to say to such twerps that I am more than happy to bill them should they be quiet either that or I go home for free !

 

It is also my guess that they measure everything in "centimeters", Richard Craniums that they are.

 

Gibbo.