pH Posted November 20, 2019 Share Posted November 20, 2019 5 hours ago, Reorte said: As part of safety considerations for resignalling schemes wigs are going to be put on distant signals - hair on the side of caution. They already do that at some level crossings in North America, plus they have motors to shake them to attract motorists' attention. The motors are known as wigwags. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNWR18901910 Posted November 21, 2019 Share Posted November 21, 2019 A fella was writing to his girlfriend every day for the last three years, but that all changed when one day she married the postman. 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNWR18901910 Posted November 21, 2019 Share Posted November 21, 2019 LODE STARRRRR!!!!!!!!! This was inspired by a joke from the film Spaceballs and I just had to make this after my actual trip to the NRM and seeing this GWR preserved loco. I don't have a model of it (yet), but I will, someday. For now, it remains on my list as a potential addition to my collection of Pre-Grouping Steam. I hope everybody likes the joke. Spaceballs (C) Mel Brooks and MGM 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNWR18901910 Posted November 21, 2019 Share Posted November 21, 2019 When they were carrying Houdini's coffin, one of the pallbearers said, "I bet he won't get out of this one." 1 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted November 23, 2019 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted November 23, 2019 8 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 What did the slug say to the snail? Big Issue.... Jason 1 3 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Damo666 Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 Get your priorities right! 3 2 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted November 24, 2019 Share Posted November 24, 2019 My Grandparents were named Pearl and Dean but we just called them Grandma and Grandpapa.papa , papa, pa, papa, pa... 2 1 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted November 24, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 24, 2019 Two eggs got married. On the wedding night the bride dressed in a see-through nightdress. Upon seeing her the groom immediately donned a crash helmet, when she asked him why he said "Last time I got hard someone hit me on the head with a spoon." 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 Why can't dyslexics tell jokes? They always punch up the screw line! I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium have started dating, I was like...OMg! 1 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 The RMT and the TOC's have collaborated to produce an advent calendar. It will be released when they've decided who will open the doors! 1 1 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 On 24/11/2019 at 15:54, luckymucklebackit said: My Grandparents were named Pearl and Dean but we just called them Grandma and Grandpapa.papa , papa, pa, papa, pa... "My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off." "My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. Which is probably why his submarine sank." "About a month before my grandfather died, we covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly." "My other grandfather was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below. He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us." "Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do; he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment. Probably turning in his grave." Got to love a bit of Milton. Jason 3 2 13 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 With mouldy old jokes like that, no wonder you want a bit of Milton..... Regards Julian 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Popular Post PhilJ W Posted November 25, 2019 RMweb Premium Popular Post Share Posted November 25, 2019 Amazon has failed me, I sent for four kindles and they sent me a 2 Ronnies video. 4 1 20 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted November 26, 2019 Share Posted November 26, 2019 47 minutes ago, PhilJ W said: Amazon has failed me, I sent for four kindles and they sent me a 2 Ronnies video. Was that New Zealand Amazon? Look for the New Zealand decking adverts. I won't link them in case anyone gets offended... But the title is All Three New Zealand Deck Ads (HD Quality) Jason 1 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted November 27, 2019 Share Posted November 27, 2019 My cat was special, it had 16 lives, unfortunately it got run over by a 4x4! I've just purchased a bush trimmer from B&Q, it cost me £1000! When I asked why so much, I was told that it was cutting hedge technology! 12 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted December 1, 2019 Share Posted December 1, 2019 I'm slowly morphing into a cat, don't ask miaow! What do you call a bee that can't make up it's mind? A maybe! Why isn't a whirlwind romance the same as a stormy relationship? 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted December 1, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 1, 2019 I walked into the kitchen as the wife was preparing breakfast. Much to my surprise she grabbed hold of me and we made wild passionate love. I then asked her what made her so frisky, she said "The egg timers broken." 1 17 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted December 2, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 2, 2019 Which sort of reminds me of a true story. I went to an all boys Grammar School next door to an all girls one, and was told this by one of the girls. Their headmistress was proper 'old school', a bit prim and a spinster of the sort that called her girls 'gels'. She was giving them the morality lecture in assembly and came out with the comment 'gels, if you should find yourselves succumbing to temptation, you must take a moment to consider whether a half hour of pleasure could ever balance out a lifetime of shame'. A girl at the back piped up 'please, Miss, how do you make it last half an hour'... Our own headmaster almost equalled this with an assembly announcement which he started but never got the chance to finish. 'Boys', he said one morning in his usual somewhat pompous and very formal style, 'I am happy to announce that yesterday evening I was approached by a sixth form girl.....' that's as far as he got, as the assembly hall descended into cheering, cat calls, and congratulatory pats on his back and handshakes from the teachers on the stage. I'd never seen a headmaster faceplant before. 2 12 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 "A" level PE lesson 25 years ago, the teacher started by writing the numbers 1 2 3 4 5 down the left side of the whiteboard. As he did so, he said "There are 5 functions of Respiration..." Short pause to let that sink in... turned round and asked "Leah, give me one." With a delighted grin, she replied "What right now?" The whole class exploded into laughter and the lesson simply descended into chaos, from then on, anything he tried to say was similarly picked on by the whole class. Regards Julian PS. Yes it is true... and yes it was me. 12 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted December 3, 2019 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted December 3, 2019 A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street: "But office." The man began. "I can explain." "Just be quiet." Snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But officer, I just wanted to say."... "I said to keep quiet you're going to jail." A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said. "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it." Answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!" 2 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted December 3, 2019 Share Posted December 3, 2019 (edited) On 02/12/2019 at 01:39, The Johnster said: Our own headmaster almost equalled this with an assembly announcement which he started but never got the chance to finish.... ....congratulatory pats on his back and handshakes from the teachers on the stage. That's the bit that takes that story to the next level Why does it conjure up for me images of John Cleese in "Clockwise"..?? Edited December 3, 2019 by F-UnitMad Get the right smiley, d'oh!! 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted December 3, 2019 Share Posted December 3, 2019 The man who invented Strepsils died yesterday, There will be no coffin at the funeral! Is irony the opposite of wrinkly? The only word in the English dictionary which is spelt incorrectly, is incorrectly! 1 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted December 4, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 4, 2019 A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. “Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.” “What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter. “The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.” “Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?” “Not exactly,” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.” 1 12 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted December 4, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 4, 2019 (edited) A teacher asked her class "What is sex?" Johnny got up and said "Sex is a *temptation*, caused by a *sensation*, where a boy sticks his *location*, into a girl's *destination*, to increase the *population*, of the next *generation*. Did you get my *explanation*? Or do you need a *demonstration*?" The teacher fainted Edited December 4, 2019 by Chris116 Spelling! 1 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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