manna Posted August 27, 2019 Share Posted August 27, 2019 G'Day Folks 6 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 Groan buton request at the ready Sir Ian Wilmut, the scientist who cloned Dolly the sheep successfully made a clone of himself and took it down the pub to show off. The clone goes up to the bar and shouts, "Hoi! barmaid with the big udders, get me a pint!" The clone gets his pint and swaggers across the pub, pinching women's rear ends, giving their boobs a wee jiggle and saying filthy suggestions to them on the way back to Sir Ian, who is sitting there thoroughly embarrassed. Sir Ian decides there and then to do away with his creation and leads him up to the highest building he can see and pushes it off the edge. Sir Ian gets back down to the bottom and is swiftly huckled by the police. "I suppose I'll be doing life for murder." he says, resigned to his fate. "No" the policeman says, "We're arresting you on suspicion of making an obscene clone fall." 15 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two_sugars Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 Oh Dear!!!!! 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage, the keeper said it was bread in captivity. What do you call the security guards outside a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy 1 6 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 Glass coffins, will they become popular? Remains to be seen. A limbo champion walked into a bar. He was disqualified 1 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 I took the shell off my racing snail, in the hope of making it faster and lighter. If anything, it's made him more sluggish I've heard Switzerland is nice, good weather, great scenery. And the flag is a big plus 2 1 1 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 Our builder was trying to put the final stones on top of the wall he was building, but he kept bursting into tears. I thought to myself, "He's just not coping well" It's amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my co-worker, she said "You look so gorgeous, I didn't recognise you!" 1 1 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Reorte Posted August 28, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 28, 2019 32 minutes ago, jcm@gwr said: Our builder was trying to put the final stones on top of the wall he was building, but he kept bursting into tears. I thought to myself, "He's just not coping well" He needs a machine to do it for him. It's a coping mechanism. 2 3 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Ramblin Rich Posted August 28, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 28, 2019 Well done jcm@gwr. I don't know which book you're getting these from but it's making our staff room a happier place! 1 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 14 minutes ago, Ramblin Rich said: Well done jcm@gwr. I don't know which book you're getting these from but it's making our staff room a happier place! Just sharing with friends and colleagues, if they're good enough (and not too rude) they get shared here! 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 Teacher: "Describe yourself in 3 words" Me: "Completely useless at any form of arithmetic" And in case you're board! Having just won a Scrabble competition, I was lost for words. Why is it that only one company is allowed to make Monopoly? 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 I went to a zoo and came away most unimpressed, all it had was one Japanese dog, It was Shihtzu ! 3 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted August 28, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 28, 2019 3 hours ago, jcm@gwr said: Just sharing with friends and colleagues, if they're good enough (and not too rude) they get shared here! I post many of the worst ones in another forum. A friend of mine refers to them as KKBJB. (Krazy Kev's Bad Joke Book). He has offered me some of his squillions of Nigerian Dollars, to get it published. I'll include a footnote thanking you all, when I get filthy RICH! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted August 28, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 28, 2019 49 minutes ago, kevinlms said: I post many of the worst ones in another forum. A friend of mine refers to them as KKBJB. (Krazy Kev's Bad Joke Book). He has offered me some of his squillions of Nigerian Dollars, to get it published. I'll include a footnote thanking you all, when I get filthy RICH! At current exchange rates thats about 12/6d. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch, 1 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted August 29, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 29, 2019 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. 1 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted August 29, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 29, 2019 43 minutes ago, Sidecar Racer said: In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. I blame decimalisation. 2 4 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted August 29, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 29, 2019 2 hours ago, Compound2632 said: I blame decimalisation. You are showing your age with that remark!!!! I agree with you! 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted August 29, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 29, 2019 39 minutes ago, Chris116 said: You are showing your age with that remark!!!! I was just over six years old on Decimal Day, so my practical experience of Lsd was somewhat limited. 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted August 29, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 29, 2019 1 hour ago, Compound2632 said: I was just over six years old on Decimal Day, so my practical experience of Lsd was somewhat limited. I was nearly 17 when they changed from LSD. I can still convert prices fairly quickly which proves that a) I was paying attention at school b) My brain is still working It is very worrying just how prices went up around that time under the cover of many people not knowing what they were being charged. Sadly the prices have never stopped going up. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnarcher Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 (edited) I was at university when decimalisation happened, so had some experience of both Lsd and LSD. A confusing time. Edited August 30, 2019 by johnarcher 1 1 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Reorte Posted August 30, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 30, 2019 16 hours ago, Chris116 said: It is very worrying just how prices went up around that time under the cover of many people not knowing what they were being charged. Sadly the prices have never stopped going up. All before I was born but I understand that it was a period of high inflation anyway, not that that would've helped. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted August 30, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Reorte said: All before I was born but I understand that it was a period of high inflation anyway, not that that would've helped. The pound is going down compared to other currencies which is inflationary as it is. We all know the reason but that takes us into territory that I for one do not want to go on this forum. Edited August 30, 2019 by PhilJ W 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 How do you titlate an ocelot? Oscillate its tits a lot! 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 What do you call a gazelle that goes around chopping other gazelles heads off? . . . . . . Vlad the Impala. 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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