RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted August 19, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 19, 2019 1 hour ago, Steamport Southport said: I went to a job interview earlier. The interviewer asked whether I can perform under pressure. I replied "No. But I can sing Bohemian Rhapsody". Jason Was that a real life or just a fantasy? Mike. 3 1 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 1 hour ago, Steamport Southport said: I went to a job interview earlier. The interviewer asked whether I can perform under pressure. I replied "No. But I can sing Bohemian Rhapsody". Jason That reminds me of my old mate, Eddie. He went for a job as a farrier and the interviewer asked him "Have you ever shoed a horse?" Eddie said "No but I once told a donkey to eff off!" 9 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 7 hours ago, Joseph_Pestell said: If the combined might of the Fringe can't come up with something better than that, UK comedy is on a downturn. Maybe there were a lot of vegans on the judging panel who gave extra points for a vegetable joke. Possibly a vegetable who gave extra points for a vegan. J 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted August 19, 2019 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted August 19, 2019 6 hours ago, Steamport Southport said: I've heard half of them years ago..... Jason They were read out on the BBC news this morning. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 Bloke from Barnsley suffering from piles walks into a Chemist and asks “ Nah then lad , does tha sell arse cream ?” Chemist replies “Aye Lad, Magnum or Cornetto ? “ 1 1 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. He’s staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar . He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying ’Ask me anything’ The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him. ’Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything.’ says the barman. ’What do you mean he knows everything?’ asks the scouser. ’Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets anything’ 'Yeah right’ says the scouser. ’If you don’t believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he’ll know the answer’ ’Alright’ says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man. ’Where am I from ?’ ’Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ’ says the Red Indian. And he was right. ’Alright’ says the scouser, ’that was easy you probably recognised my accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?’ ’ Liverpool ’ says the memory man quick as a flash. ’Yes and who did they play?’ ’Leeds United’ again without blinking ’And the score?’ ’2-1’ says the memory man without hesitation. ’Pretty good,but I bet you don’t know who scored the winning goal?’ ’Ian St John’ says the Indian in an instant. Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just can’t get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect . He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory man. He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent in his warpaint and full regalia. The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the traditional manner.. ’How’. The memory man squints at the scouser… ’Flying header in the six yard box.” 3 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted August 20, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 20, 2019 Which of King Arthurs Knights built the round table? Sir Cumference. Hat and coat on. 1 1 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted August 20, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 20, 2019 58 minutes ago, PhilJ W said: Which of King Arthurs Knights built the round table? Sir Cumference. Hat and coat on. Which one was Jewish? Sir Cumsized. 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted August 20, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 20, 2019 Which two run around London? North Sir Cular Road and South Sir Cular road. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 The probability that the next joke will be just as bad? Sir Tain.... 1 3 4 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted August 20, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 20, 2019 The soldiers were on parade. The inspecting officer entered onto the square, and his horse had a limp. "I say! Do you have a farrier here?" asked the officer... My horse has thrown a shoe" Much murmuring.. "Sorry sir, we don't have a farrier, but the MT detachment have a good bunch of fitters". And so, the horse was led away by the mechanic. Some time later, the officer came in. "I say! You've done a first-class job on my horse! I've never seen such a good job! But tell me, why is my horse on his back, with all four legs in the air?" "Yes sir, he's been like that since we took his neck out of the vice...." 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pH Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 Some years ago, my brother and I and our families had a meal in a restaurant in Cornwall with a King Arthur theme, complete with large round tables. A game of "invent new knight's names" developed and ran through the whole meal. So, allowing for memory losses due to aging since then, I could supply several dozen names .... but I won't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian Smeeton Posted August 20, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 20, 2019 8 minutes ago, pH said: Some years ago, my brother and I and our families had a meal in a restaurant in Cornwall with a King Arthur theme, complete with large round tables. A game of "invent new knight's names" developed and ran through the whole meal. So, allowing for memory losses due to aging since then, I could supply several dozen names .... but I won't. Spoilsport!! Regards Ian 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 5 hours ago, Enterprisingwestern said: Which one was Jewish? Sir Cumsized. What do you need to circumcise a whale? Four Skin Divers !!!! 1 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 (edited) 10 hours ago, raymw said: A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. He’s staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar . .....so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect . He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory man. I found the implied stereotype of this comment within the joke to be far funnier than the actual punchline. Edited August 20, 2019 by F-UnitMad 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 My teacher asked me to characterize myself in 5 words. “Quite lazy.” 1 1 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 2 hours ago, F-UnitMad said: I found the implied stereotype of this comment within the joke to be far funnier than the actual punchline. Yet Liverpool has a lower unemployment rate than most places in the UK and even did back in the day..... I blame Carla Lane with that unfunny sitcom Bread. Lazy stereotypes from someone who hadn't even been to the city for decades and read the gutter press. Jason 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 7 hours ago, Steamport Southport said: Yet Liverpool has a lower unemployment rate than most places in the UK and even did back in the day..... I blame Carla Lane with that unfunny sitcom Bread. Lazy stereotypes from someone who hadn't even been to the city for decades and read the gutter press. Jason Hi Jason, If you read the joke properly it does say that the so called Scouser is from Birkenhead, that would put him in Tranmere Rovers territory. Why would real Scousers care, not being from Cheshire after all ? Gibbo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 I put my hearing in for repair about two months ago, haven't heard anything since! Taylor Swift has written about 200 songs about guys leaving her and no songs about making love! Think she would have worked it out by now? 2 9 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”. So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”. The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?” Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time”? 2 1 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted August 23, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 23, 2019 They were dear old ladies and very grey, but must have been blondes in their younger days. They were featured on BBC's 'Nationwide' during the fuel shortages and rationing in 1974. Sisters, one lived in Norwich and one in Sheffield and they visited each other on alternate weekends. In order to help out in the fuel crisis, they agreed to save the nation's fuel resources and do their bit; they would meet half way instead. And of course because they were both doing it, twice as much petrol was saved! Bless. 3 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted August 23, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 23, 2019 I had an Irish mixed grill the other day. Mashed potatoes. Boiled potatoes. Hash browns. Fried potatoes. Chips....... etc. 1 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted August 23, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 23, 2019 Irish Mirror After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.' He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly woman he's running around with.' 1 14 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 This is true, actually happened. When my wife was expecting the birth of my son, 40 or so years ago, I was waiting in the 'fathers wating room' at Southmead, Bristol. There was another prospective father their too. After few minutes, there was a 'bit of a hub-bub', and an Irish lad - another expectant father- , and an older guy - I guess his father - came into the room and sat across the room from us. On the wall, above my head, opposite them was an electro/mechanical slave clock, which every half minute gave a clunk, and moved the minute hand. When that happened, the lad seemed startled, glanced up, then looked at his father. After a five minutes or so, he said to his father - 'for sure, that's a wonderful thing, do you think it's gas or electric?'. The other guy and myself had to leave, to recover from our suppressed laughter. 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted August 25, 2019 Share Posted August 25, 2019 2 hours ago, God's Wonderful Railway 1835 said: Fantastic idea, I'm off to the garage to make a board... now. J 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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