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The Forum Jokes Thread


Colin_McLeod
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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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1 hour ago, F-UnitMad said:

And what's "dis" as well..? :rolleyes: :nono: *grumpy old man Mode /off*

 

Slightly frightening that it's getting close to 40 years since John Lennon was murdered - also that he'd be close to 80 now if he hadn't.

 

, and how old would Abraham Lincoln be?

 

Mike.

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At age 3, success is ... not peeing in your pants.
At age 15, success is ... having friends.
At age 18, success is ... having a driver's licence
At age 20, success is ... having sex.
At age 40, success is ... having money.
At age 50, success is ... having money.
At age 65, success is ... having sex.
At age 75, success is ... having a driver's licence
At age 80, success is ... having friends.
At age 85, success is ... not peeing in your pants.

 

Brit15

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10 hours ago, F-UnitMad said:

And what's "dis" as well..? :rolleyes: :nono: *grumpy old man Mode /off*

 

Slightly frightening that it's getting close to 40 years since John Lennon was murdered - also that he'd be close to 80 now if he hadn't.

Hi There,

If John Lennon would have been nearly 80 by now, do you think he would have thought it looked like Harold Lloyd ?

 

Gibbo.

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13 hours ago, Enterprisingwestern said:

 

, and how old would Abraham Lincoln be?

 

Mike.

 

13 hours ago, PhilJ W said:

About 210.

Correct - born Feb 12th 1809, so he would have not long celebrated his 210th Birthday this year. ;)

 

Wasn't it Kenny Everet when he was on the radio who used to announce famous people's birthdays as if they were still alive? e.g. "Beethoven is 223 today" or such like. And Simon Mayo used to do a bit about births and deaths of famous people, with a rather dark remark about their death; so again e.g.; "In 1827 Beethoven was composing - in 1828 he was... de-composing" :D

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Which brings us nicely round to Monty Python once again!!!!

 

Beethoven's gone, but his music lives on,
And Mozart don't go shopping no more.
You'll never meet Liszt or Brahms again,
And Elgar doesn't answer the door.
Schubert and Chopin used to chuckle and laugh,
Whilst composing a long symphony,
But one hundred and fifty years later,
There's very little of them left to see.
They're decomposing composers.
There's nothing much anyone can do.
You can still hear Beethoven,
But Beethoven cannot hear you.
Handel and Haydn and Rachmaninov
Enjoyed a nice drink with their meal,
But nowadays, no one will serve them,
And their gravy is left to congeal.
Verdi and Wagner delighted the crowds
With their highly original sound.
The pianos they played are still working,
But they're both six feet underground.
They're decomposing…

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8 hours ago, Colin_McLeod said:

A Cyclops and a unicorn; now that's an accident waiting to happen.

 

Wrong!!

 

Perfect combination - eye perfectly sited to aim along the horn.

 

Regards

Julian

Edited by jcredfer
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Are you talking about a cycloptic unicorn, like you're some sort of dna mashing freak?!

Away with you Sirrah. This thread's for serious accident risk assessment of two different mythological creatures. T'coh, some people...

 

C6T. 

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That said, I believe Unicorns, Narwhales and them liquid alloy Terminators using "stabbing weapons" can be foiled quite easily by popping a cork on their most prominent pointy bits, thus conforming to most European (and post Brexit) British health and safety legislation. Phew, bullet dodged, eh friends?!

C6T. 

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21 minutes ago, Classsix T said:

That said, I believe Unicorns, Narwhales and them liquid alloy Terminators using "stabbing weapons" can be foiled quite easily by popping a cork on their most prominent pointy bits, thus conforming to most European (and post Brexit) British health and safety legislation. Phew, bullet dodged, eh friends?!

C6T. 

 

.....   Not unless you managed to pop a cork on the front end of the bullet.  Speaking as ret'd military: that idea isn't high on the training list.

 

Regards

 

Julian

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1 hour ago, jcredfer said:

 

.....   Not unless you managed to pop a cork on the front end of the bullet.  Speaking as ret'd military: that idea isn't high on the training list.

 

Regards

 

Julia

Irony not high either? 

 

C6T. 

Edited by Classsix T
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3 hours ago, jf2682 said:

It is interesting to note how human life is convolved around mid life, about 40 year of age.  I have noticed as I get older (!'m 65) my personality traits and behaviour have started to revert to my early adulthood - intolerance, sharp tempered, and selfish.  Is it just me?  In a few years I'm going to be racing my trains around a circle of track again!!

That's assuming you remember how to turn a controller on, something a 3 year old doesn't seem to have trouble with!

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