RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted December 20, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 20, 2018 Please spare us these jokes .......... ! I dunno, maybe some RMweb readers make their own Christmas crackers. That would be ideal for one! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted December 20, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 20, 2018 One night a couple of years ago, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had got a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend. Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton-eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton-eye Joe? Reminds me about a past neighbour of mine. His girlfriend left him and went off with his best mate. A couple of years later, his new girlfriend left him and went off with his best mate. Sorry, I don't know if it was the same 'best mate' each time, but I do know that after the 2nd occasion, he sold up and moved away. True story! But I do wonder how many mates he has now? 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted December 20, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 20, 2018 (edited) Reminds me about a past neighbour of mine. His girlfriend left him and went off with his best mate. A couple of years later, his new girlfriend left him and went off with his best mate. Sorry, I don't know if it was the same 'best mate' each time, but I do know that after the 2nd occasion, he sold up and moved away. True story! But I do wonder how many mates he has now? To which the joke goes , My girlfriend ran off with my best mate , I really miss that dog . Edited December 20, 2018 by Sidecar Racer 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted December 20, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 20, 2018 There was a young lady from Devizes Who didn't think through the breast enhancement surgery. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
davefromacrossthepond Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 Luckily there's a guy at work from the UK who fills me in on all of these. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted December 20, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 20, 2018 There was a young man From Cork who got Limericks And Haikus confused. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 G'day Folks 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 G'day FolksIs it just me, or were the actual 'Peanuts' cartoon series the most UN-funny (if that's a word!?) cartoons ever drawn? I don't think I laughed at a single one. Now 'Calvin and Hobbes', on the other hand - sheer genius!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 G'day Folks I don't think 'Peanuts' was meant to be 'funny' in the Funny sense, it was more into satire and social awareness, although a dog that think's he's a pilot is quite funny. manna Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 Personally I quite like the Matt cartoons in the Telegraph. See here: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/matt/ https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=Matt+cartoons&client=safari&hl=en-gb&prmd=insv&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjOzZaAw7DfAhXYTxUIHXZgAaQQ_AUoAXoECA0QAQ&biw=375&bih=559 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 Christmas Cheer I don't like to brag BUT... Good Christmas deed done! Yesterday afternoon at the checkout I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone’s Nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Nan out. She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted December 21, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 21, 2018 Christmas Cheer I don't like to brag BUT... Good Christmas deed done! Yesterday afternoon at the checkout I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone’s Nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Nan out. She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.... Why didn't you save yourselves some time and effort and put just over £6.83's worth back? Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted December 23, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 23, 2018 Going up or down? 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted December 23, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 23, 2018 Appropriate for the day before C*******s Eve. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two_sugars Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 Have you tried changing the batteries? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 A man was sitting on the edge of the bed.He was observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.What a day!He put her on every ride in the park;The Death Slide, the Corkscrew, The Wall of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster ~ everything there was.Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..What a fabulous adventure!Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,'Well Darling, what was it like being twelve again?'Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.'I meant my dress size, you clown!!!!'The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is still going to get it bleeding wrong! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Reorte Posted December 24, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 24, 2018 IMG-20181223-WA0000.jpg Please don't tell me that's what was spotted at Gatwick and caused all the fuss... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 24, 2018 Share Posted December 24, 2018 I phoned my old mum tonight. "Oy vey!" she said. "So you finally call me. Me, the woman who gave you life and bobeshi to your children. Work my fingers to the bone, I did, and all you ever did was kvetsh. Your father now, he was a mentsh, but you are a klutz and you shlep around like shmendrik. "Mum," I said. "You're an Irish Catholic. You've forgotten to buy me a Christmas present, haven't you?" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted December 26, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 26, 2018 364 to go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted December 26, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 26, 2018 seat belt.jpg Fewer! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted December 26, 2018 Share Posted December 26, 2018 Brit15 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve K Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 Is it just me, or were the actual 'Peanuts' cartoon series the most UN-funny (if that's a word!?) cartoons ever drawn? I don't think I laughed at a single one. Now 'Calvin and Hobbes', on the other hand - sheer genius!! I think you're right on both counts, Jordan. Peanuts is probably full of pathos, or bathos, or something, but definitely lacking in anything resembling humour - a bit like a Carla Lane sitcom, in many ways. Calvin and Hobbes I never read that much, but I've seen enough to get the cleverness of it. Better than that, it's funny, although the humour in that one reminds me of a darker version of Garfield. But that's a good thing! 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 I took a fifty mile taxi trip to my court hearing the other day. On arrival the driver asked me what I was there for. "Bankruptcy" I said, "you may as well follow me in!" Brit15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 Brit15 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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