RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted February 13, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 13, 2011 GOTTA PEE Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to Go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her a## that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' " 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold chris p bacon Posted February 14, 2011 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 14, 2011 Now this isn't strictly a joke but reading my local paper the other day i turn the page to see the headline "on the lookout for Bedfordshire stunners" a piece about local beauty contests, next to it is the headline "Beaver on the rise". . . . . .nothing funnier than real life! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 14, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 14, 2011 Now this isn't strictly a joke but reading my local paper the other day i turn the page to see the headline "on the lookout for Bedfordshire stunners" a piece about local beauty contests, next to it is the headline "Beaver on the rise". . . . . .nothing funnier than real life! After looking at your avatar Chris perhaps you could do with one of these >> http://www.youtube.c...h?v=4LvwYUnSoQo Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 I hear that there's going to be a Bollywood version of that US college musical programme. It's to be called Ghee.... steve Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brush47337 Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 I have decided I had better go on a diet. Yesterday my watch alarm went off and the guy behind me jumped out the way............ ...........................he thought I was reversing. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy Parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said... You'll love this... I know you will... (scroll down...) . . . "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sailor Charon Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I can't remember if we've had either of these so... Shakespeare walks into a pub, and the landlord points at him and calls out, 'Oi! You're bard.' And It's closing time at the same pub, Dr Watson is sitting nursing a pint of beer, so the landlord walks over and asks, "Ain't you got Holmes to go to?" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold chris p bacon Posted February 19, 2011 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 19, 2011 One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'. The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?' The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's family jewels. A horse walks into a bar. "Why the long face" says the barman The horse not understanding the concept of language eats a beermat........................................I'll get me coat. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Graff Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 http://www.break.com/index/couch-airbag-explosion-surprise.html Haha, this made my day!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gdaysydney Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied. 'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. 'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?' 'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. 'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say. 'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.' 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
multiprinter Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for week hunting moose. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountain even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year†3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Duz tha speak Yorkshire A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us." ...................................................................................... A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft ######!" .................................................................................................. A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look. When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin". He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've left the blood y "e" out!" The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you". The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud: "E, she were thin". ................................................................................... Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?" .................................................................................... Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ectasy just above their front teeth. Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum" 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted February 25, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 25, 2011 BOB & THE BLONDE: Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building Preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge does a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, But willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold chris p bacon Posted February 26, 2011 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 26, 2011 I was out shopping today and got harangued by a woman extolling the virtues of brown bread. bloomin Hovis witnesses....get on your nerves. Met a girl while out shopping, Tracey, 43, attractive and looking for some hot action............gave her my ironing........ Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 I trust Andy Y and the Mods will forgive a (slightly )politcal - well politicians anyway - set A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why the U.S. is in trouble: 1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) 2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ..'' Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' His response -- click. 3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG) 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!) 5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh) 6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 7. A New York lawmaker, called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. Is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage. 8. A Senators aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?'' 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'' 10. A female Senator Called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!'' 11. A Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those'' I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'' 12. A New Jersey Congressman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' 'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'' Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED. Names have been removed to protect the guilty! 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 A young engineer was leaving the office at 4.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy." Lesson: Never, ever, assume that your boss knows what he's doing. 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium keefer Posted March 5, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 5, 2011 it's been reported that the beckhams are expecting their 4th child although with david's past history, victoria's not sure that it's hers Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted March 5, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 5, 2011 Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion!! This is good to know!! MEDICAL RESEARCH Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.... Just thought you'd like to know. BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED, FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted March 5, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 5, 2011 A blonde orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them... The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs. Each time the blond calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him! He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...Why do you let the bartender do it?' 'Duh,' says the blonde,'He has a licker license!' Spread the laughter Share the cheer Let's be happy while we are here! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
northendboy Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Chinese lady goes into the bank. 'I want to change yen for pounds' 'ok' says the cashier 'you get 80 yen to the pound' 'Yesterday I get 100, today I get 80' says the Chinese Lady, 'why?' 'Fluctuations' the cashier replied 'Yeah, fluc you white people too..' Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sailor Charon Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 So ex-President Clinton is talking about allegations that he smoked dope on his recent trip to Cornwall. "Well, yes, I must admit that I did do that in Truro, and again in Penzance... And yes, I did it in St Erth. But I did not in Hayle." [sorry] 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 A collection of all those "Wrinklies" jokes, most will have appeared in the "old RMweb" but the best jokes are..... Garage Door The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my shiny Rolls Royce parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.. ------------------------------------------------------------------- An elderly gentleman.... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One more. . .! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sailor Charon Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 I thought I saw a Russian plane the other day, but it was just an optical Ilyushin 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted March 20, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 20, 2011 Apologies in advance to our friends from down under . Australian government at work You will love this one, I haven't stopped laughing For those of you who have never travelled to the country , cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails. Last year, Kevin Rudd received and was reading a report that there were over 10,000 cattle guards in NSW & Queensland. Graziers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Minister to fire half of the cattle guards immediately!! Before the Minister could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Minister for Employment Julia Gillard, intervened with a request that before any cattle guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining. And now she is running the country. Passed on to you without further comment.... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gdaysydney Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 No need - neither Rudd nor Gillard live in the real world ! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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