AndrewC Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 On that note....... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 I'm surprised your granddad didn't convert them to Catholicism. He'd probably say something like how much of a celebration the Catholic feast days were, and all the wonderful aspects of Catholicism. I understand that party political canvassers are trained not to fall for this. Oh that's a pity.... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted August 17, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 17, 2018 Two Jehovah's Witnesses ( or substitute religion of your choice) knock on the door of an elderly lady. She opens the door and asks who they are. They tell her that they are Jehovah's Witnesses (OSROYC) and she lets them both inside. She tells them to take a seat on her sofa, and asked if they would like a cup of tea or coffee. "Two teas would be nice, please," came the reply. Then she asked if they would like custard creams with their drinks. "Oh, yes please, that would be lovely," came the response. Five minutes later the old woman came back into the front room and placed the drinks and biscuits on the table, sat down and said, "So what is it that you want to talk to me about?" The first shrugs her shoulders and says, "We don't know, this is the furthest that we have ever got." Two Jehovahs Witnesses knocked at my door recently. I said I'm very sorry but I didn't see the accident. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 That's precisely what my granddad did - him being a devout Catholic, he'd invite the Jehovas in and offer them a cup of tea, for all the time they were failing in trying to convince him to convert, they weren't converting anyone else! I heard once about a minister who did something similar. After about half an hour one of them said "We're only allowed to spend 30 minutes at each house. We'll have to be on our way." They went out of the front door. The minister went out of the back door, saw his elderly neighbour in her back garden, said "The JWs are on their way round, but I'll deal with them for you if you like," then hopped over the fence, went through her house, opened the front door and said, "Can I have another half hour, please?" 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted August 17, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted August 17, 2018 The Wine Taster At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to "nicely" send him away in this "all too Politically Correct" world. He gave him a glass of their low end wine to drink. The drunk sipped it and without the traditional sniffing or swirling said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” “That’s correct”, said the boss. Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” “Correct.” A third glass… “It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,” the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father.” 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 Bert was having his appointment with the doctor. At the end, he asks the doctor, "Doctor, is there any way I can fool my wife into thinking she's losing her hearing?" The doctor replies, "Here's one method. Ask your wife a question from approximately 40 feet away, and should she fail to answer, move to within 30 feet, then 20 feet, then 10 feet until you're standing right by her." So Bert goes home and that evening prepares to act out the trick. From in the dining room, 40 feet away, Bert asks his wife, "What's for tea tonight love?" No answer. He moves ten feet closer. "What's for tea tonight love?" Again, no answer. Another ten feet closer. "What's for tea tonight love?" Still no answer. Now in the kitchen, Bert once again says, "What's for tea tonight love?" Still no answer. I've done it, he says to himself. I'll go up to her and act all calmly, then complain about her hearing. So he goes up to his wife and in a soft voice asks, "What's for tea tonight love?" His wife turns round and replies angrily, "For the fifth and last bloomin' time Bert, we're having pasta!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted August 21, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 21, 2018 "It's all sh*ts and giggles, until someone giggles and sh*ts..." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 (edited) Farmer Dave went to see his mate Farmer Joe. As Farmer Dave approached Farmer Joe's house, he heard music coming from a barn so he went over to investigate. Opening the door, he was shocked to see Farmer Joe wearing nothing but the skimpiest of thongs, covered in baby oil, gyrating and pole dancing in front of his new Massey Ferguson whilst music blared from its stereo. Farmer Joe saw Dave standing by the door, and immediately ran over. "I can explain," he said, "me and the wife have been having some trouble in, erm, you know, the bedroom, so I went to the doctor and he said I should do something sexy to a tractor". Edited August 21, 2018 by cromptonnut Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedGemAlchemist Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 "Doctor, doctor! My husband can't leave his bed and feels like he's in a Stephen King book! Oh, that must be Misery!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 "Doctor, doctor! My husband can't leave his bed and feels like he's in a Stephen King book! Oh, that must be Misery!" I'm sending Kathy Bates round to teach you a lesson for posting such a groan worthy joke 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedGemAlchemist Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 I'm sending Kathy Bates round to teach you a lesson for posting such a groan worthy joke Worth it. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted August 21, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 21, 2018 As Jeremy Hunt calls for tougher sanctions to punish Russia, some suggest putting him in charge of their healthcare system. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 Brit15 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Alex TM Posted August 21, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 21, 2018 As Jeremy Hunt calls for tougher sanctions to punish Russia, some suggest putting him in charge of their healthcare system. Wouldn't that be tantamount to a declaration of war? 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedGemAlchemist Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 Wouldn't that be tantamount to a declaration of war?It'd certainly be carnage. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted August 22, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 22, 2018 (edited) Cancelled , wrong thread . Edited August 22, 2018 by Sidecar Racer Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 Another doggy joke Brit15 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
billy_anorak59 Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 Dog vs Cat: EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY Day number 180 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE! Day number 181 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE! Day number 182 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE! 1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer. 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE! ... EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time... -- 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Alex TM Posted August 22, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 22, 2018 You seem to know my mother's cat! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Del Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 (edited) WARNING: This is long, and probably not worth your while! The circus is in real trouble. The crowds aren't coming any more, and if they can't sell out in this town, that'll be it. The ringmaster puts up a big poster while they're setting up the Big Top, advertising for new acts. A little while later, a chap come to see the ringmaster. 'I've got an act for you. You won't have seen anything like it in your life.' 'Really? What is it?' 'I can catch a cannonball in my teeth.' 'You mean catch a bullet?' 'No, an actual cannonball.' 'Wow. Well, if you can really do that, I'll put you on tonight.' 'You won't regret it!' So the ringmaster gets the whole circus together, and they go on a big walk around the town, proclaiming The Man Who Will Catch A Cannonball In His Teeth! Posters go up, they've got the megaphones out, the whole lot. An hour before showtime, the place is sold out! The press and TV are there, it's huge! The circus starts, the clowns, the trapeze, the strongman all do their bit to, well, indifference basically. The ringmaster comes out. The lights go down and he is in the single spotlight. 'Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's the moment you've all been waiting for! Never seen before, it is time for The Man Who Will Catch A Cannonball In His Teeth!!!' Out comes the fella, who stands on a podium on one side of the ring. The cannon is set up on the other side. The ringmaster gets the crowd to count down from ten... BANG!!! goes the cannon, the ball flies across the tent and hits the fella slap bang in the mush. He falls down flat, and doesn't move. Absolutely brown bread. Of course, there's uproar, the crowd storm out, the press and TV are all over things. Negative publicity everywhere, that's it, the circus is going to be done for. The emergency services arrive. The paramedics check everything, and although he's very seriously hurt, the performer isn't dead. They put him in the ambulance and take him off to hospital. The ringmaster feels so guilty. He goes to the hospital and sits by the man's bed every day. He's there for a year, every day come rain or shine. One day, he sees the man's little finger move. He's conscious! Little by little, he manages to lift his hand and beckon the ringmaster over to the bed. The ringmaster gets closer, and the guy keeps beckoning. The ringmaster is eventually bent down, with his face millimetres from the patient. Slowly, ever so slowly, the performer takes off his oxygen mask, and in the smallest, tiniest voice that the ringmaster has ever heard, says: v v v v v 'Ta-da!' Edited August 22, 2018 by Del Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted August 23, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 23, 2018 Trump's aide on Monday said to him, "Sir, I had a dream you got your parade. It was miles and miles long, winding through Washington, D.C. Joyful Americans lined the route, literally in the millions. You were riding in the most beautiful carriage. It was the biggest parade in U.S. history."Trump beamed and asked, "Was I happy?"The aide answered, "I don't know, sir, the casket was closed." 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 Yet another !! Brit15 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamieR4489 Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 A Jack Dee joke I was driving along a motorway in a bus lane and was pulled over by the police. An officer walked up and asked me 'Are you a bus sir?'. I replied 'You're new to traffic aren't you.' 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Alex TM Posted August 23, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 23, 2018 Hi, My wife saw the last post. Other than correcting the spelling she said "quite right if you know what's good for you"! Currently looking for a Microsoft software license - other software is, apparently, available. Regards, Alex. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted August 24, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 24, 2018 Hi, My wife saw the last post. Other than correcting the spelling she said "quite right if you know what's good for you"! Currently looking for a Microsoft software license - other software is, apparently, available. Regards, Alex. Didn't you point out to her that it was the American spelling? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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