RMweb Premium newbryford Posted August 9, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 9, 2018 This was posted by Sidecar Racer on 3 August in the Things that make you smile thread. Please do not duplicate posts in the other jokes threads here. In my opinion it is tantamount to stealing other members' work, in that they thought of posting it copying it from somewhere else first Duly amended...... 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 >>> >>> An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... >>> >>> He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. >>> After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, >>> ”Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' >>> The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. >>> >>> In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: >>> 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. >>> 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. >>> 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. >>> 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. >>> 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. >>> 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy .. do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' >>> The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, >>> 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"... >>> 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 G'day Folks 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted August 10, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 10, 2018 Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said "Disneyland Left", so they started crying and headed home! PS My blonde American wife told me this one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Hedgehog, Chicken what difference does it make..... Maybe that's why the wife doesn't send me to Asda to buy the Sunday Dinner One you can eat, oh and you can also eat the other. Cover it in Clay and bake in an open fire. Delish! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two_sugars Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Why would ya cover a perfectly gud chikin in mud??????? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 G'day Folks Chicken Mud cake...................YUM. manna 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Mississippi Mud Pie -- extra portion please. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted August 10, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 10, 2018 (edited) Cancelled . Edited August 10, 2018 by Sidecar Racer Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted August 11, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 11, 2018 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 One you can eat, oh and you can also eat the other. Cover it in Clay and bake in an open fire. Delish! From Dad's Army, "Come in, Your Time Is Up" 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 Brit15 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Alex TM Posted August 12, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 12, 2018 Hi folks, A true story following on from PhilJW's post yesterday: http://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/741-the-forum-jokes-thread/?p=3261770 A few years ago I was at a two day conference in my former home town of Cumbernauld (renowned for its monochrome colour palette). We were each asked to introduce ourselves, i.e. the usual stuff - name, role, location, and something funny about ourselves. As we went round the room some attendees began to say increasingly daft things about themselves. When it came to me, I commented that I had just, that morning, been shocked to discover that 'Fifty Shades of Gray' was not about the colour palette of Cumbernauld! One, young, female attendee laughed - the remainder were silent. I simply thought that it could not have been that funny. Later that day a number of my colleagues told me that they had never heard of the book, and asked what was it. Can you imagine having to explain 'mummy porn' to a bunch of middle-aged male clerics? Bizarre but true. Regards, Alex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 Hi folks, A true story following on from PhilJW's post yesterday: http://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/741-the-forum-jokes-thread/?p=3261770 A few years ago I was at a two day conference in my former home town of Cumbernauld (renowned for its monochrome colour palette). We were each asked to introduce ourselves, i.e. the usual stuff - name, role, location, and something funny about ourselves. As we went round the room some attendees began to say increasingly daft things about themselves. When it came to me, I commented that I had just, that morning, been shocked to discover that 'Fifty Shades of Gray' was not about the colour palette of Cumbernauld! One, young, female attendee laughed - the remainder were silent. I simply thought that it could not have been that funny. Later that day a number of my colleagues told me that they had never heard of the book, and asked what was it. Can you imagine having to explain 'mummy porn' to a bunch of middle-aged male clerics? Bizarre but true. Regards, Alex. A couple of thoughts went through my mind after reading this Alex, but as they are all controversial I will avoid printing them, after all your colleagues would all be good upstanding Presbyterians Jim Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Alex TM Posted August 12, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 12, 2018 (edited) Hi Jim, Upstanding - some of them needed to sit down after it was explained to them! Alex. Edited August 12, 2018 by Alex TM Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 G'Day Folks 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted August 13, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 13, 2018 Joined Tesco's online dating website. Ended up with a bag for life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 (edited) Given that most of the jokes here were doing the rounds in school perhaps they are ALL someone else's work. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. :) Wrong! It was because it was safety pinned to the punk rocker At least that's the version I heard at school. Edited August 13, 2018 by leopardml2341 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyID Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 (edited) A hunter in the US is arrested by a game-warden for killing and eating a bald eagle. When his case comes up he explains to the judge that he was extremely sorry for killing the eagle but it was a matter of survival because he hadn't eaten anything for ten days. The judge let him off with a $20 fine. Before the hunter left the court the judge leaned over and asked him: "I've always wondered what bald eagle tastes like. Can you tell me?" to which the hunter replied, "It's somewhere between whooping crane and spotted owl". Edited August 13, 2018 by AndyID Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted August 16, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted August 16, 2018 Two Jehovah's Witnesses ( or substitute religion of your choice) knock on the door of an elderly lady. She opens the door and asks who they are. They tell her that they are Jehovah's Witnesses (OSROYC) and she lets them both inside. She tells them to take a seat on her sofa, and asked if they would like a cup of tea or coffee. "Two teas would be nice, please," came the reply. Then she asked if they would like custard creams with their drinks. "Oh, yes please, that would be lovely," came the response. Five minutes later the old woman came back into the front room and placed the drinks and biscuits on the table, sat down and said, "So what is it that you want to talk to me about?" The first shrugs her shoulders and says, "We don't know, this is the furthest that we have ever got." 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 Two Jehovah's Witnesses ( or substitute religion of your choice) knock on the door of an elderly lady. She opens the door and asks who they are. They tell her that they are Jehovah's Witnesses (OSROYC) and she lets them both inside. She tells them to take a seat on her sofa, and asked if they would like a cup of tea or coffee. "Two teas would be nice, please," came the reply. Then she asked if they would like custard creams with their drinks. "Oh, yes please, that would be lovely," came the response. Five minutes later the old woman came back into the front room and placed the drinks and biscuits on the table, sat down and said, "So what is it that you want to talk to me about?" The first shrugs her shoulders and says, "We don't know, this is the furthest that we have ever got." That's precisely what my granddad did - him being a devout Catholic, he'd invite the Jehovas in and offer them a cup of tea, for all the time they were failing in trying to convince him to convert, they weren't converting anyone else! 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 I wouldn't trust a religion that is sold door-to-door any more than I would double glazing salesperson doing the same... steve 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted August 16, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 16, 2018 That's precisely what my granddad did - him being a devout Catholic, he'd invite the Jehovas in and offer them a cup of tea, for all the time they were failing in trying to convince him to convert, they weren't converting anyone else! I'm surprised your granddad didn't convert them to Catholicism. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted August 16, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 16, 2018 That's precisely what my granddad did - him being a devout Catholic, he'd invite the Jehovas in and offer them a cup of tea, for all the time they were failing in trying to convince him to convert, they weren't converting anyone else! I understand that party political canvassers are trained not to fall for this. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted August 16, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted August 16, 2018 The nearest we go to converting anyone was when my Mum invited two Mormons in. They arrived "knowing" all their things and left merely "believing" them. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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