The Forum Jokes Thread

[Ian J.]

[kevinlms]

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

 

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of s.x in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He was gorgeous – tall, muscular, and had long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her. He tosses his shirt to her and whispers: “Iron this.”

[Dave 46]

I was going to post a joke about time travel but none of you liked it.

I've seen this elsewhere.  Did you use your time machine to go forward nine hours to post this on the IS Forum jokes thread?

 

Dave

[Colin_McLeod]

I heard that joke before in 2020.

[Compound2632]

I'm not sure that really works! If you were only going to post it, your trip to the future wouldn't tell you whether it was liked. Better, or at least more logical:

 

I posted a joke about time travel but none of you liked it, so I've deleted my post...

[APOLLO]

 

Brit15

[Colin_McLeod]

I'm not sure that really works! If you were only going to post it, your trip to the future wouldn't tell you whether it was liked. Better, or at least more logical:

 

I posted a joke about time travel but none of you liked it, so I've deleted my post...

That variation does not work as it could refer to a joke about time travel that was posted last week. It's like saying "I posted a joke about trains but none of you liked it,so I've deleted my post"

 

Sorry to nit pick - just following your lead.

[Compound2632]

The lack of good jokes about time travel is sufficient proof that it won't ever be invented.

[Titan]

The lack of good jokes about time travel is sufficient proof that it won't ever be invented.

Time will tell.

 

But perhaps the number of old jokes that are repeated as if it was the first time they were ever told is proof that time travel has already happened...

Edited March 6, 2018 by Titan

[luckymucklebackit]

If you did ever invent a time machine and you took the kids for a spin would they sit in the back moaning ‘Are we then yet?

 

Think the best ever time machine gag was Sheldon interviewing Leonard for the room mate agreement -  "If either of us invent time travel, we agree that our first stop will be this meeting 5 seconds from now………………………Well, that's disappointing."

 

Jim

[luckymucklebackit]

I was doing the crossword this morning and turned to the wife - "What is a word for a female relative, four letters, ending in UNT" - She replied "Aunt, of course", "Oh right" I said, "got any tippex?"

 

Jim

[kevinlms]

I was doing the crossword this morning and turned to the wife - "What is a word for a female relative, four letters, ending in UNT" - She replied "Aunt, of course", "Oh right" I said, "got any tippex?"

 

Jim

An easy mistake to make, if she's a small person!

[Colin_McLeod]

An easy mistake to make, if she's a small person!

So he needed Tippex because he had written "RUNT"

[Mike Storey]

Two men in a deckchair.

 

One says "It's nice out."

 

The other says "Yes, but I think it might cloud over later.".

 

 

Have I got this right?

[PhilJ W]

Two men in a deckchair.

 

One says "It's nice out."

 

The other says "Yes, but I think it might cloud over later.".

 

 

Have I got this right?

Not a Morcambe and Wise fan then?

[Mike Storey]

Not a Morcambe and Wise fan then?

 

Oh, quite the opposite. I am just very surprised they got away with the original, when Eric eventually delivered the punchline, after gawdknows how many attempts. It must have been Mrs Whitehouse's night off....

 

As for two men sharing the same bed, without apparently being gay? We thought nothing of it then, apart from Bernard Braden I recall?

 

More tea Ern?

[allan downes]

Guy walks into a pub with a handful of dog's poo in each hand.

 

"Hey guys. Look what I nearly stepped into !"

[luckymucklebackit]

Gents - To Mark International Womens Day, please take a moment to call your wife and tell her to take 5 minutes off doing the cleaning, washing, ironing and the rest of the housework so that she can bake a nice cake so that you can celebrate with her when you get home this evening.

 

(Dare you!)

 

Jim

[allan downes]

 Or, how to kill a joke with too much information.

 

Guy walks into a pub with a handful of dog's poo in each hand.

 

Hey guys.Look what I nearly stepped into outside the door on the pavement - you know, the same pavement that the Council replaced last year but some of the slabs have cracked already , well not  cracked right through so to speak but on closer inspection one or two might have but I'll have more up to date info for you later when I go back out - they're the two  outside the Chinese Take away by the way, or is that the Ironmongers ...? Hmm...Anyway, these slabs are a different colour - or it could be the light and, at a glance, they look to be made out of concrete - or maybe not now when I come to think of it - or at least judging by those I bought at Wicks last year - or was that the year before ? - although I did get some in almost the same color from B&Q  - or entirely another color altogether - or was that Homebase, I've got the receipt at home somewhere, kitchen draw under the hob I think - Oh dear, we haven't got a kitchen draw under the hob. You know how it goes, heh, heh. The wife might know but right now she's having a long earned rest in Benidorm with the milk man and his wife although I only saw two people get into the taxi.

 

Anyway, where was I ? 

Edited March 8, 2018 by allan downes

[Liam]

Who has long ears, the milkman or the wife?

 

Anyway, that reminds me of a meeting an accountant had to have with a boring man....

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4lsZiRRKpvQ

[luckymucklebackit]

Thought it was the Elephants that had Big Ears (because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom)

[brossard]

 Or, how to kill a joke with too much information.

 

Guy walks into a pub with a handful of dog's poo in each hand.

 

Hey guys.Look what I nearly stepped into outside the door on the pavement - you know, the same pavement that the Council replaced last year but some of the slabs have cracked already , well not  cracked right through so to speak but on closer inspection one or two might have but I'll have more up to date info for you later when I go back out - they're the two  outside the Chinese Take away by the way, or is that the Ironmongers ...? Hmm...Anyway, these slabs are a different colour - or it could be the light and, at a glance, they look to be made out of concrete - or maybe not now when I come to think of it - or at least judging by those I bought at Wicks last year - or was that the year before ? - although I did get some in almost the same color from B&Q  - or entirely another color altogether - or was that Homebase, I've got the receipt at home somewhere, kitchen draw under the hob I think - Oh dear, we haven't got a kitchen draw under the hob. You know how it goes, heh, heh. The wife might know but right now she's having a long earned rest in Benidorm with the milk man and his wife although I only saw two people get into the taxi.

 

Anyway, where was I ? 

 

Ronnie Corbett used to tell long rambling stories.  His were funny though. 

 

John

[kevinlms]

Ronnie Corbett used to tell long rambling stories.  His were funny though. 

 

John

As did Frankie Howard, with his prologue's in Up Pompeii! Although in his case, 'now, The Prologue' never got to the end, due to constant interruptions.

[BWsTrains]

I was doing the crossword this morning and turned to the wife - "What is a word for a female relative, four letters, ending in UNT" - She replied "Aunt, of course", "Oh right" I said, "got any tippex?"

 

Jim

Brings back fond memories of MPFC's "Travel Agent sketch" which is in a league of its own on this theme 

[Enterprisingwestern]

I heard that joke before in 2020.

 

, and it wasn't funny then.

 

Ronnie Corbett used to tell long rambling stories.  His were funny though. 

 

John

 

I must have missed that one.

The best part of those were the chairs.

 

Mike.