RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted March 4, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 4, 2018 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted March 5, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 5, 2018 On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of s.x in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He was gorgeous – tall, muscular, and had long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her. He tosses his shirt to her and whispers: “Iron this.” 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Dave 46 Posted March 5, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 5, 2018 I was going to post a joke about time travel but none of you liked it. I've seen this elsewhere. Did you use your time machine to go forward nine hours to post this on the IS Forum jokes thread? Dave Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted March 5, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted March 5, 2018 I heard that joke before in 2020. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted March 5, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 5, 2018 I'm not sure that really works! If you were only going to post it, your trip to the future wouldn't tell you whether it was liked. Better, or at least more logical: I posted a joke about time travel but none of you liked it, so I've deleted my post... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Brit15 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted March 6, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted March 6, 2018 I'm not sure that really works! If you were only going to post it, your trip to the future wouldn't tell you whether it was liked. Better, or at least more logical: I posted a joke about time travel but none of you liked it, so I've deleted my post... That variation does not work as it could refer to a joke about time travel that was posted last week. It's like saying "I posted a joke about trains but none of you liked it,so I've deleted my post" Sorry to nit pick - just following your lead. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted March 6, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 6, 2018 The lack of good jokes about time travel is sufficient proof that it won't ever be invented. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 (edited) The lack of good jokes about time travel is sufficient proof that it won't ever be invented.Time will tell. But perhaps the number of old jokes that are repeated as if it was the first time they were ever told is proof that time travel has already happened... Edited March 6, 2018 by Titan 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 If you did ever invent a time machine and you took the kids for a spin would they sit in the back moaning ‘Are we then yet? Think the best ever time machine gag was Sheldon interviewing Leonard for the room mate agreement - "If either of us invent time travel, we agree that our first stop will be this meeting 5 seconds from now………………………Well, that's disappointing." Jim Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 I was doing the crossword this morning and turned to the wife - "What is a word for a female relative, four letters, ending in UNT" - She replied "Aunt, of course", "Oh right" I said, "got any tippex?" Jim Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted March 7, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 7, 2018 I was doing the crossword this morning and turned to the wife - "What is a word for a female relative, four letters, ending in UNT" - She replied "Aunt, of course", "Oh right" I said, "got any tippex?" Jim An easy mistake to make, if she's a small person! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted March 7, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted March 7, 2018 An easy mistake to make, if she's a small person! So he needed Tippex because he had written "RUNT" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Storey Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Two men in a deckchair. One says "It's nice out." The other says "Yes, but I think it might cloud over later.". Have I got this right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted March 7, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 7, 2018 Two men in a deckchair. One says "It's nice out." The other says "Yes, but I think it might cloud over later.". Have I got this right? Not a Morcambe and Wise fan then? 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Storey Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Not a Morcambe and Wise fan then? Oh, quite the opposite. I am just very surprised they got away with the original, when Eric eventually delivered the punchline, after gawdknows how many attempts. It must have been Mrs Whitehouse's night off.... As for two men sharing the same bed, without apparently being gay? We thought nothing of it then, apart from Bernard Braden I recall? More tea Ern? 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Guy walks into a pub with a handful of dog's poo in each hand. "Hey guys. Look what I nearly stepped into !" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Gents - To Mark International Womens Day, please take a moment to call your wife and tell her to take 5 minutes off doing the cleaning, washing, ironing and the rest of the housework so that she can bake a nice cake so that you can celebrate with her when you get home this evening. (Dare you!) Jim 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 (edited) Or, how to kill a joke with too much information. Guy walks into a pub with a handful of dog's poo in each hand. Hey guys.Look what I nearly stepped into outside the door on the pavement - you know, the same pavement that the Council replaced last year but some of the slabs have cracked already , well not cracked right through so to speak but on closer inspection one or two might have but I'll have more up to date info for you later when I go back out - they're the two outside the Chinese Take away by the way, or is that the Ironmongers ...? Hmm...Anyway, these slabs are a different colour - or it could be the light and, at a glance, they look to be made out of concrete - or maybe not now when I come to think of it - or at least judging by those I bought at Wicks last year - or was that the year before ? - although I did get some in almost the same color from B&Q - or entirely another color altogether - or was that Homebase, I've got the receipt at home somewhere, kitchen draw under the hob I think - Oh dear, we haven't got a kitchen draw under the hob. You know how it goes, heh, heh. The wife might know but right now she's having a long earned rest in Benidorm with the milk man and his wife although I only saw two people get into the taxi. Anyway, where was I ? Edited March 8, 2018 by allan downes 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Who has long ears, the milkman or the wife? Anyway, that reminds me of a meeting an accountant had to have with a boring man.... https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4lsZiRRKpvQ 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Thought it was the Elephants that had Big Ears (because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom) 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
brossard Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Or, how to kill a joke with too much information. Guy walks into a pub with a handful of dog's poo in each hand. Hey guys.Look what I nearly stepped into outside the door on the pavement - you know, the same pavement that the Council replaced last year but some of the slabs have cracked already , well not cracked right through so to speak but on closer inspection one or two might have but I'll have more up to date info for you later when I go back out - they're the two outside the Chinese Take away by the way, or is that the Ironmongers ...? Hmm...Anyway, these slabs are a different colour - or it could be the light and, at a glance, they look to be made out of concrete - or maybe not now when I come to think of it - or at least judging by those I bought at Wicks last year - or was that the year before ? - although I did get some in almost the same color from B&Q - or entirely another color altogether - or was that Homebase, I've got the receipt at home somewhere, kitchen draw under the hob I think - Oh dear, we haven't got a kitchen draw under the hob. You know how it goes, heh, heh. The wife might know but right now she's having a long earned rest in Benidorm with the milk man and his wife although I only saw two people get into the taxi. Anyway, where was I ? Ronnie Corbett used to tell long rambling stories. His were funny though. John 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted March 8, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 8, 2018 Ronnie Corbett used to tell long rambling stories. His were funny though. John As did Frankie Howard, with his prologue's in Up Pompeii! Although in his case, 'now, The Prologue' never got to the end, due to constant interruptions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BWsTrains Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 I was doing the crossword this morning and turned to the wife - "What is a word for a female relative, four letters, ending in UNT" - She replied "Aunt, of course", "Oh right" I said, "got any tippex?" Jim Brings back fond memories of MPFC's "Travel Agent sketch" which is in a league of its own on this theme 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted March 9, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 9, 2018 I heard that joke before in 2020. , and it wasn't funny then. Ronnie Corbett used to tell long rambling stories. His were funny though. John I must have missed that one. The best part of those were the chairs. Mike. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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